UnNews:Pope still Catholic, but bear does not shit in woods

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

11 October 2010

Artists representation.

VATICAN CITY -- In a rare breach of traditional Vatican security, a wild bear was able to break into the Vatican and subsequently pass stool in one corner of the building.

Cardinal Thelonius Wombat, head of Vatican janitorial services, stated that he was shocked that a wild animal from possibly thousands of miles away was able to breach their strict security. Said Cardinal Wombat, “It is beyond belief that a bear has actually broken into the sacred institution and eased nature on the floor. But we don’t think it was intentional,” the Cardinal stressed. “The bear was obviously locked inside overnight and had nowhere to go.”

The Cardinal specified that the bear had passed stool in the corridor of one of the premises obtained by digging beneath the Cortile Della Pigna, a building conceived according to the modern criterion of function inaugurated on 18 October 1980 by Pope John Paul II.

According to the Cardinal, the bear must have been smuggled into Italy or have escaped from a zoo nearby, because there are no bears in Italy, or Europe for that matter. “It was an inside job,” declared Wombat. “There is no other way a bear could have entered the Vatican.”

Cardinal Wombat said security may have been lax because the Pontiff is currently vacationing in the mountains of Oregon. “Perhaps the Pope camping in the woods has something to do with it!?” he pondered.

We aren't really sure how this got so out of control. But what we do know is that, if you or your family have any concerns about the passing of these so called 'natural' bodily possessions and have your own personal woes when it comes to passing stool in odd places, please contact 1-800-FROWNED UPON for help.