UnNews:Pessimist on Wall Street forgets to turn off oven

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

7 October 2008

I didn't take this picture of Charles, okay? Stop asking about my motives.

NEW YORK, New York - Over the last few weeks America has watched its financial market at its worst. Suicide rates have rapidly increased, almost exceeding that of the great Wall Street Crash of 1929, which led to the Great Depression, and the stock market has broken the single greatest drop in American history. Yes, America seems screwed, but that is just the tip of the iceberg.

This morning, at approximately 8:30, Charles Bilello stormed out of his home in West Chester, with a grim outlook on the day. He came so close to committing suicide the day before when Wall Street hit the 800 point drop. His life had no meaning anymore in his opinion. His money was lost in collapsing companies, and his girlfriend was definitely cheating on him. He doesn't know that yet, but she is (by the way, Charles, your hoe is cheating on you with me. Just thought you should know.) Charles didn't think his life could get any worse, until around 11:30 AM, when a shocking thought popped into Charles' head amongst all the turmoil of the market.

"Oh, shit. I forgot to turn off the oven!" Charles probably thought to himself. "Oh well, I probably did turn it off," he most likely decided later that day. Charles had to make himself a breakfast that morning because his wife still wasn't home from her overnight shopping trip that she takes five

This isn't his house, but its roughly what it looks like right now.

times a week. It was a delightful stack of pancakes, topped off with exquisite syrup and a side helping of Bacon, in hopes of curing his imminent depression. It didn't. Of course, I wouldn't know, I am not stalking him or anything.

Charles returned to his home to find that the oven was indeed turned on, and in fact burned down his house, or at least he will soon, hopefully he will read this before he sees it for himself, and the shock will be less than if he wasn't notified. Oh, and if anyone knows Charles, please lead him to this page. It is kind of urgent and I don't want to be blamed for the catastrophe.

So Charles, I know you are out there, please read this before you get home, and just so you know, I know you and you don't know me. I hope you find your way through the rest of your miserable life okay. And if not, suicide can only make things better.