UnNews:Pelosi bill would have Bush cracking the books

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5 February 2007

President Bush announces his readiness to learn

WASHINGTON, D. C. - Under legislation proposed by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, President George Bush would be required to spend three hours of each workday being tutored by an English instructor in an effort to bring his linguistic skills up to the level of the typical American third-grade student.

The president, who is known for butchering the English language on a scale that dwarfs even that of his father’s speaking difficulty, annoyed Pelosi and her fellow Democrats by referring to their party as the Democrat Party, rather than the Democratic Party. Although he tried to repair the damage that his twisted tongue created by referring to his own party as the Republic Party, rather than the Republican Party, Pelosi and her cohorts remained miffed.

“It’s ridiculous that the president of the United States of America, the greatest country in the world, speaks like Eliza Doolittle,” the speaker declared.

The purpose of the legislation requiring the president to learn to speak his native speech trippingly on the tongue, as opposed to his tripping over his tongue, is to “equip him with the oratorical skills befitting a politician of his stature so he will no longer be an embarrassment to the American people--at least, not on that score,” Speaker Pelosi decreed.

Bush’s tongue-twisted phrases are legion. In the past, he has committed the following (and many other) faux pas against the English language:

“Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is. I talk to families who die.”

“The only way we can win is to leave before the job is done.”

“I aim to be a competitive nation.”

”If the Iranians were to have a nuclear weapon, they could proliferate.”

President Bush rehearses a sample language lesson in anticipation that Pelosi‘s bill will pass

Under the bill sponsored by Speaker Pelosi, the president would have to spend a total of three hours each workday studying with a tutor, but the time would not have to be continuous. The model that the speaker had in mind, she said, is the one that Hollywood studios use to meet the educational requirements of the California (Pelosi's home state) while employing minors as actors. “As long as they get their three hours in, they can take five minutes here or an hour there to film their scenes,” she explained, “at the tutor’s discretion.”

The president will also be able to take a break from his studies, to tend to matters of state or national defense. “The bill also allows time for potty breaks,” Speaker Pelosi said, “and, for every piece of legislation that he signs, he gets to spend a half an hour less time studying.”

First Lady Laura Bush promises to make sure the president does his homework. “To maintain conjugal visits,” she quipped, “George will have to conjugate his verbs.”

Although some pundits consider Speaker Pelosi’s bill to be “patronizing and condescending,” Senator Hillary Clinton defends the legislation. “He has no one to blame but himself,” she contended. “He should have paid better attention when he was in grade school. Besides, he’s the one who insists that no child be left behind.”

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