UnNews:Owen Wilson's first post-suicide appearance
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
5 October 2007
FOREST LAWN, California - Actor Owen Wilson made his first public appearance since committing suicide last August. The actor had shot himself in the head, and, according to the friends and family members to whom he appeared after attending the premiere of The Darjeeling Limited, “He looked like hell.”
Although not a religious person, Wilson gave his current address as The Seventh Circle of the Inferno, where, he told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies, he “hangs out with other suicides.”
He was as surprised, he confided, to learn that suicide is a sin in God’s eyes as he was to learn that there is a God. “Of course,” he added, “I never see God where I am, but his counterpart, so to speak, assures me that he exists.”
The actor said that, since he was born with or into his body, “however that works,” he had supposed he had the right to do with it as he pleased, which included putting a bullet through its brain. “Boy, was I wrong,” he admitted.
It’s unclear to his family and friends whether Wilson is a ghost or a demon, so they have decided to refer to him as an “apparition.”
He was sporting a shaggy blond beard and a dark jacket covered in blood and “gray matter” (i. e., brain tissue), they said. “After what he did to himself, I’d thought he’d had no brains,” his mother said, “but, obviously, he did--he’s wearing half of them. It must have been his mind he lost.”
Before the film started, Wes Anderson introduced Wilson’s apparition, telling the audience, “I never made a movie without this damned man, and, now that he’s back from the dead, I hope never to have to do so.”
Anderson praised his fellow actor's "courage and determination," calling Wilson "a fighter" and "a survivor." He told the cheering audience, "Neither death nor damnation can keep him down."
Immediately after watching The Darjeeling Limited, Wilson returned to hell, where he expects to live for the rest of eternity, although, he promised fans, “I’ll make cameos as my schedule permits.”
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- Lotta Lies "Owen Wilson makes career comeback, sort of" Instant News, 8.8 nanoseconds ago