UnNews:Oprah aims low, hits mark

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

18 January 2007

Oprah Winfrey hypnotizes victim to gain more lurid details.

UNION, Mo. - In a courageous attempt to shock, titillate and entertain her audience, Oprah Winfrey managed in a show airing Thursday to get the parents of a kidnapped Missouri teen to say they believe he probably took it up the ass during the more than four years he was missing.

"OK, I'm going to go there and ask you, what do you think happened? Do you think he was was frequently boned up the rear end?" Winfrey asked Craig and Pam Assrape, parents of 15-year-old Stanley Assrape. Both nodded and said, "Yes."

The comments were broadcast the day pizzeria worker and butt rapist Michael Devlin pleaded not guilty to charges of kidnapping another boy who was somehow found last week in Devlin's apartment with Stanley, who was on the show Thursday with his parents. Stanley curiously refused to discuss his anal intrusion in detail.

Devlin's attorney, Michael Kielty, declined to respond to the claim of sexual abuse, saying he hasn't seen evidence in the case. "However, I'm certainly willing to review any related photos or video of sex related to the butthole area," he said.

While it is usually UnNews's policy not to identify alleged victims of sexual abuse in most cases, the purient nature of the crime is just too good to pass up.

Pam Assrape said she did not know when Winfrey asked if her son was tortured, but her husband, Stanley's stepfather, stressed that something happened to dramatically change the boy, who will now no longer eat his vegetables, and has a nose ring.

"I have no doubt that mentally he's not the same boy he was," he said.

Stanley replied, "Gee, thanks a lot, Craig. You too, Oprah. Way to tell the whole country I got boned up the poop-chute. That'll really help me get dates."