UnNews:OMFG!!!1! Teh g4rdn3r 15 a 1337 h4xx0r!!!!1
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
25 August 2008
OREGON, USA -- What does every gamer from the affluent area of Bend, Oregon, like to do to relax during breaks from two-hour deathmatches? That's right, take a stroll outside in the garden of their parents' house. After dark, of course. For no more than five minutes. And staying on the patio. Ahh, bliss.
Except it wasn't so blissful last night for Eugene Burns. When this up-and-coming 30-something ventured outside his (mom's) back door, he encountered something that terrified him to his very core.
"I w45 on teh patio, nd teh g4rd3n guy was ther3, nd h3 w4s cuttin teh hedge wit th15 thing liek a ch41nsaw, nd I was all liek ROFLMAO coz I cud rember th15 oen time wen I pwnd tihs n00b...(rambles on with more nonsense)" the gamer said.
But it wasn't all teary-eyed reminiscence for Eugene.
"Th3n teh guy turn3d ar0und nd I cud see h15 saw nd it was CLIPPING teh hedge!!!!11! OMFG liek!!!11 Teh g4rdn3r 15 a 1337 h4xx0r!!!!1 OMFGWTFBBQBACONSAUCE!!1111!!1"
While the average person may not actually give a rat's ass about whether or not this gardener's trimmer was able to pass through a supposedly solid object, it was clearly a source of extreme stress and discomfort to Eugene, as his mother explains.
"I had only kicked my degenerate son out the door five minutes previously for some fresh air," Astoria Burns recalled, "when that slob came running back in. I was amazed. I've never seen that oaf move any faster than a drunken stagger. He was yelling something about hackers and cheaters and all these other amoral liberal computer game things."
In a further twist, Eugene started shouting bizarre accusations against Astoria.
"Eugene somehow got the idea that I was behind this big conspiracy against him. He said that I was trying to plant a mole in his clan, which is what that fuckwit calls the group he thinks are his friends. It was the most ridiculous thing I've ever been accused of, even more than running that middle-class prostitution ring. I never knew anything about the gardener's computer skills, I only hired Raoul because he looked capable of satisfying me in ways my husband never could."
When Eugene was approached for further comment earlier, all that he could be heard shouting from under his bed was "Raoul has t3h m4D ski11z!" Rest assured, UnNews will bring further updates on this vital story as they become available.
