UnNews:Nation of Islam declares jihad
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
23 February 2008
NEW YORK, NY – Nation of Islam (NOI) leader Minister Louis Farrakhan announced yesterday that he’d had it with “small words” and the “small people who use them!” He promised to step up terrorist activities and issued a Fatwa to all NOI members to “Stand up to the rigid linguistic degradation of the oppressor” after being outraged by a reporter’s contention at a recent press conference that no one could really understand what he or his ministers were talking about. Angered, the Muslim leader, who has worked alongside such notable historical figures as Malcolm X, and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, responded by declaring “jihad” on the “diminutive minds that prevalently embark on the daily exercise of understandable word usage.” When asked what he meant, he declined further comment and stormed off.
“For too extended of a period, we’ve endured the brevity of truncated vocabulary”, stated an under-minister who declined to give his name. “We consistently simplify our vernacular expressions in attempts to correspond conversationally with the laity. We now say, the laity should raise the level of their articulation to correspond with our communication. Get an education!”
In fact, several of the ministers have had quite an education - in the law. One minister, Sam X, along with several others whose names have not yet been released, is currently under investigation for suspected recent Islamic jihadist activity. In 2002, the volatile wordsmith was alleged to have set off an F-Bomb at a public demonstration, targeted mostly at Jews, but also at gays, lesbians, and the “Blue-eyed, Anglo-Saxon Oppressor”. No one was killed, but several people were hurt, and many attendees still bear the scars. In 2003, X was arrested in connection with the abduction of a dictionary editor, and just this year, an organization he is believed to have funded, was found guilty of conspiring to hijack Air Force One. They were intercepted, but not before engaging in a heated exchange of ideas that threatened to turn into a full-scale war of words.
But some just see those as examples of the federal government’s abuse of power. When pressed on the matter, a spokesperson for the NOI offered, “This is just further substantiation that this country and this idiomatic tongue are not for us or by us. But what else can you anticipate from a people who repudiate the value of sophisticated linguistics.”
President Bush, a renowned enthusiast and ardent supporter of small words, recently addressed the issue of linguistic “jihad” stating: “We’re gonna do all we can to stop these bad guys from doing these bad things.” Despite his ardent support for smaller word choices, the president couldn’t himself resist the use of larger words to make his point, though he misspoke at least a couple of times, proclaiming, “We will stand and fight against all ‘terroristical’ efforts that oppose ‘colloquializationism.’”
Conrad Tillard, a former NOI minister, then known as Conrad Muhammad, agreed. Now a Baptist minister, he personally suffered a painful tongue lashing from the lips of Khalid Abdul Muhammad several years ago, another former minister for the NOI who passed away shortly afterward in February of 2001 of a brain aneurysm. “It was terrible”, Mr. Tillard recalled. “I thought his head was going to explode that day with all of the multi-syllabled words he was leveling at me. I was right about what would happen, just wrong about the time”, he remarked about his former colleague’s death. “I can still feel the spit hitting my brow and the subsequent headache I had while trying to figure out the meaning of each word he hurled.” Mr. Tillard said ever since that day, he has “vowed” to “exercise caution” in his communication efforts. “You saw what happened to Khalid”, he reminded. “No one should end up like that.”
Meanwhile, officials at the Office of Homeland Security are urging the public to take precautions and to be vigilant. “If you see someone reading an Islamic text that appears to have more than two-hundred pages, take notice”, offered a spokesman for the agency. “If you see something, say something.”
