UnNews:Mother wins back semi-permanent custody of obese boy
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
11 May 2012
CLEVELAND, Ohio – An Ohio judge ordered Tommy, an obese boy, returned to his mother, Ima Dick, after she completed a year-long, court-ordered college course in diet and nutrition and the boy shed three of his six hundred pounds. Asked how they planned to celebrate the boy's return, Tommy said, “Look out, Denny's; here we come!”
“We won't be going to Denny's,” Dick said.
Her son looked disappointed.
Dick smiled. “We're going to an all-you-can-eat buffet!”
Tommy grinned, hugging his mother as close as possible, his considerable belly interposing itself between the rest of him and her. “I love you, Mom!” he blubbered.
“I love you, too,” Dick told her son.
Tommy, now age 9, has started a series of scrapbooks in which he collects grocery and fast food coupons. He is already on his thirty-fifth book. “So many coupons,” he quipped, “and so little time!”
The Cleveland Whales, a support group for obese individuals, is assisting Tommy and his mother during his transition from a state institution to his mother's home. “We're contributing canned goods,” Mattie Handwringer, a spokesman spokesperson for the group said. “And we're paying for cooking lessons so Tommy and his mom can prepare meals similar to the high-fat, high-calorie fare that Tommy loves.”
First Lady Michelle Obama took credit for the state's intervention on Tommy's behalf. “I called the Cuyahoga County Department of Children and Family Services,” she said, “and advised them that Tommy's mother was a Dick and that they needed to remove her son from her household immediately unless they wanted my husband to set up a permanent teleprompter outside their offices and use his bully pulpit to bully them into submission, the way he does me in our bedroom every alternate Wednesday, whether I have a 'headache' or not. The president can be very persuasive—some might even say intimidating. It's one of the many things I love about him—for a homosexual, he can be very aggressive. Not all gay men are sissies.”
Mrs. Obama also had a warning for the rest of Ohio and the rest of the nation: “According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 17 percent of children and adolescents aged 2 to 19 are obese, under new guidelines set in place through Obamacare. If you don't slim down your kids, the government's going to take them away from you.”