UnNews:Mother Teresa did not believe in God
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
24 August 2007
HELL, Formerly known as Calcutta, India -- The old woman who has more wrinkles, and more adorable than a newborn puppy, Mother Teresa, turns out to have a dark side. Besides being known to the rest of the world as that gentle soul who would spare a flys life, rather than squishing it, stopped believing in God when she sold her soul to the dark lord Cthulhu forty years ago, this revealed through her old correspondences. The contract signed between Cthulhu and Mother Teresa seemed to have been written in virginal blood and ocelot semen, gives the dark lord rights to own her soul for all eternity, or , "until such time asMicrosoft makes something that doesn't suck."
Catholics who were advocating for the elevation of Mother Teresa to sainthood are appalled at the new discovery, although they continue to firmly support her with the rationale that "God is simply testing Mother Teresa by making her soul to Cthulhu."
"Everyday God tests our faith so we maybe closer to Him," explains Reverend Lovejoy of the Springfield Presbylutheran Church, "everybody gets tested, whether it is getting a parking ticket no matter how hard you pray to God to make the police officer rip up the ticket, to praying that the Broncos win at the superbowl and then disappointed when those wiener 49'ers win instead.
But because Mother Teresa was so awesomely pious, God has to come up with an incredibly difficult test of her faith in order to make her faith in God stronger, such as tempting her with selling her soul to Cthulhu. That was the only way that Mother Teresa could get closer to God, since God is such a shy and introverted Jewish boy that he often has to use dirty and devilish tricks in order to get hot chicks to get near him."
"There are so many things wrong with that previous sentence Reverend Lovejoy said," says Richard Dawkins, perennial butthole and atheist. Like a shark that is hypersensitive to the smell of blood, Dawkins is similarly sensitive to the smell of hypocrisy, and according to him Mother Teresa reeks of it. "The world's most famous female religious figure actually bats for the other side, and I don't mean that she's a lesbian, although that would be hot," he said, then wipes his forehead after his fantasy of gerentological homoerotica, then continues to say, "Sorry, I have a thing for nuns, since my days at Catholic school when I was often beaten up by one, I've always had the fantasy of me, a nun, a whip, a ball-gag, some ropes, and butt plugs. I wouldn't say anything more than that." Although nobody really cares about Dawkin's dark fantasies, this isn't true for Mother Teresa, who is the only female celebrity in the world who hasn't appeared on television wearing a bikini. Many people have to adjust to the idea that Mother Teresa was in league with the Devil, the same position that Bill Gates and Dick Cheney are in. A random person on the streets a television station asked gave the following sound bite, "Wow. Wait, Mother Teresa, wasn't that the person who played the mother on Fresh Prince of Bel Air?"
Despite the revelations of her letters many people continue to hold to the idea that Mother Teresa was a practicing Christian. A pundit said on a morning show, "After all, she done many great things, she healed the sick and helped many people, doesn't that make her more Christian than anything else?" When pointing out that in order to be a Christian you must believe in God, the pundit responded by saying, "Really? I thought all you had to do was to oppose stem cell research and vote Republican."
The letters written by Mother Teresa cast doubts on whether she ever believed in God at all. In one, she wrote, "If I wanted to believe in a kind man with a white beard who lives in a place nobody knows where it is, I'd believe in Satan Claus," and, "...God? Are there people, I mean besides George W. Bush, who still believe in that silly old thing?" and finally, "I'm an atheist, I live in a nunnery just because there's a laundry across the street so I wouldn't have to walk too long of a distance to wash my clothes."
The Dali Lama was emboldened to talk of his true spiritual beliefs, and said, "I'm really a Jews for Jesus," in addition he also added "And I'm also Rick James, bitch." Rick James has since sued Dali Lama for copyright infringement, although with Buddha on his side, it's difficult for Rick James to win.
The supporters for Mother Teresa, however, continue to struggle with the idea that their spiritual hero might be a fraud. They have nothing to worry, however, as comic book fans are still dealing with the fact that Batman and Robin are gay. Their struggles shows that such disappointments can be overcome, though recovery and full healing from such events may take a long time.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Malcom Moore "Mother Teresa was on the dark side (and I don't mean the Republican Party)?" Telegraph, Aug 24, 2007,,