UnNews:Miners make it out alive; Sago mine disaster's sole survivor commits suicide

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

14 October 2010

His wife is the walrus, and he's the eggman. A dead eggman.

NOT, Relevant -- At around 8:00 PM or so (where I live and according to my laptop), I turned on CNN to find Michael Moore lauding Chile's president Sebastián Piñera on Larry King for Piñera's socialist, free market drivel. The program changed to Anderson Cooper, who was discussing with Bear Grylls the hope, bravery, and gusto needed to survive what the thirty-three Chilean miners survived during their seventy day shift at the San José copper-gold mine, near Copiapó, Chile. All of this only a few minutes before I had smoked a joint, and a few hours after I had jacked off to Christine O'Donnell while she claimed that Chris Coons is/was a Marxist.

Many remember the 2006 Sago coal mine disaster in Sago, West Virginia, in which thirteen coal miners went missing after an explosion and mine collapse. Reports that twelve of the thirteen were found alive after thirty hours of searching were spread, but they were later deemed erroneous after the twelve were found dead. The remaining coal miner was alive, yet in critical condition. This sole survivor, Randal McCloy Jr., survived to tell about the ordeal and had another child with his wife a year later. As of a few moments ago, he was pronounced dead at his home in Sago.

"It was pathetic," says Officer Laurence Vargas who responded to a 911 call from McCloy's residence yesterday night. "His wife called me because he had gone mad and started digging an enormous hole in his backyard with a shovel. He was ranting about needing to get trapped again." McCloy's desperate cries for attention were a surprise to his wife, who blamed the recent mine "miracle" in Chile for her husband's insanity. My black friend Paul deduced to me that the Chilean miners had, "stolen that brotha's thunda!"

Officer Vargas defused the situation and left the McCloy residence. He would return the next night, tonight, to another 911 call from McCloy's hysterical wife, claiming he had committed suicide in their child's playpen. The scene was (and still is, as I write this) absolutely horrific. It's probably what the scene of that one lady's savage mauling at the hands and handfeet of a chimpanzee looked like. I've been led to believe that a chainsaw, a crossbow, a tub of sulfuric acid, a noose, and cyanide were employed in the suicide. McCloy's infant child had to be freed from its father's intestines, which took only a few minutes. Passerby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.

Writings by McCloy in his journal, which McCloy developed a habit of writing in since his therapy sessions for PTSD, grew frantic two months ago since the Chilean miners were first trapped. He wrote, "I knew the end was inevitable. They could die, or they could live. Either way, it would overshadow the tragedy. It was my trophy. Not theirs." McCloy's constant past tense style of writing has led his family to believe that McCloy did not really mean to kill himself, and was actually penning a novel in which he would die. Sanjay Gupta on CNN says that many families of suicide victims claim that the deceased did not really mean to commit suicide, but meant to fake it. My Asian friend Niet says they're "rying to serf." No suicide note was found. God bless Chile.

Sources

• "All 33 miners in Chile rescued" CNN, Oct. 13th, 2010