UnNews:Madonna reclaims spiritual son

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

12 October 2006

"Get away from me! Please!"

RUDIMENT, Thailand -- Rumours have been circulating for some time about Madonna's intentions for a Malawi orphan, after the London-based singer last Thursday issued a statement in which she stressed that she would "take the child by force if necessary".

Madonna, singer and whore of Babylon, 36-28-34, who already keeps over 7 adoptive children at her home in West London (apparently in some kind of pen arrangement) first inquired about adoption of the child, known only as "David" in July of this year. When his parents refused, Madonna allegedly went into a sharp decline. She is reported to have claimed a deep connection with the child, stating "I knew right away there was something between us, you know? I looked into his eyes, and he looked right back at me, and there was this amazing feeling of Kabbalah. I had to have him."

In a law battle stretching over several months, the singer appeared to be winning the dispute, reportedly whooping for joy as she left the most recent hearing. Ronald "Biter" Hawkins, then employed as lawyer-in-chief for Madonna, told our reporter "I was gobsmacked. Never did I think we'd make that one stand up."

He will not work in the industry again.

Meanwhile, however, the case has taken a downward turn for Madonna. "Madonna stopped providing expenses for the jury members around a month ago" a spokesperson for the singer told a reporter. "Since then, they haven't seemed so interested."

EXTRACT:

Jane Gallager wanted to know what time it was, but for some reason Holden Caulfeild hadn't wanted Stradlater to tell her. When Stradlater refused to tell Holden Caulfeild wheteher or not he had told Jane Gallager what time it was, Holden Caulfeild became enraged and attacked him in a fit of Horological savagery, possibly because he was mentally ill and hated anyone but him knowing what the time was.

At a press conference on Wednesday, the iconic performance artist expressed her extreme concern for the child, saying "I have every right to adopt this boy as my son, and anyone who tries to stop me obviously needs extreme spiritual help."

She then went on to tell of a near-death experience in which her guardian angel came to her and showed her visions of David's birth. "These were suppressed memories until a very short while ago," she added. "I have only just uncovered them with the help of hot and cold stone therapy." The singer is certain that David is her spiritual son and his "Malawi parents", as she is now referring to them, are merely stand-ins.

"I'm sure they've done a wonderful job over the past 13 months" she told a rapt audience, "but it's time for Mummy to take over now."

Sources

• "Madonna adoption papers approved" BBC News, October 12, 2006