UnNews:Lord Ashcroft a non-dom
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
7 March 2010
WESTMINSTER, England -- The heart of British political life and frequently the plughole through which all UK filth inevitably passes. The Houses of Parliament are abuzz with activity and the media, including top UnNews reporters, scramble for the latest on Westminsters latest scandal.
For many months now, nobody in particular has been desperate for information on the tax status of Conservatory and Outhouse Deputy Führer ''Lord Ashcroft, made a life Peeier in 2000 after displaying remarkable services to lavatories around the country. Lord Ashcroft, famously known for looking simultaneously horrendously ugly and desperately uninteresting, is also the main financial donor to the Tories, after the Axis, supplying almost 247% of all of its women's institute biscuits, according to truth peddler Alistair Campbell.
But in a remarkable and exhilarating rollercoaster of events, UnNews can report that Ashcroft is a non-domiciled tax payer, meaning that he only pays taxes on his UK earnings, although being rich the Inland Revenue wouldn't trouble him over complicated trifles such as taxes.
The face of Labour, former Miss World, Harriet Harman, had this to say, "It's totally unacceptable. How can Labour fulfill any purpose if leading Tories are being submissive in the bedroom." UnNews concludes, as does popular opinion, that she didn't have any idea what she was talking about.
A passing breeze, suspected to be Liberal Democrat manifestation Nick Shoe, further added to the growing debate. "It is a disgrace that Britain's proudest and most democratic institution, the House of Lords, should contain such corruption as this. Who could have foreseen such fatcat deception from a UK political party, especially the Tories? I have no doubt that each one of the elected, hard working, awake Lords will ensure that this never happens again."
In the wake of the Expenses Scandal, the Recession, the actual activities of UK governments for the last three hundred years, and the War on the Moon, political reputation in Westminster is badly served by this most recent affair. When he was hand-selected by God in 2000, Lord Ashcroft signed an official promise to domesticate himself before taking his seat in the Lords. Unfortunately, the Peeier fulfilled this duty in a litter tray.
Tory Grand Master, and deputy Marshal of the Luftwaffe, David Cameroon issues a statement from the summit of Isengard: "Lord Who? Ashcroft, that oik? Only went to Oxford? No, I had no idea about his tax status! I'm not even certain what this tax nonsense is. No, it is not my responsibility to have any knowledge or influence over my own shadow cabinet, or their dealings with the departments of the state which I hope to govern. Gordon Brown can't reform the institution, he is the broken Britain. Now watch this drive!" Unfortunately, UnNews reporters were then driven away from Orthanc by Tory Storm Troopers.
Lord Ashcroft was unavailable for comment, and so was William Hague. We draw no conclusions from this. This reporter can only conclude that this is a sad day for British politics, and can only hope that the Queen personally intervenes.
BREAKING NEWS! BRITISH NEWS REPORTING BECOMING INCREASINGLY EDITORIAL AND IRRELEVANT!
Sources[edit | edit source]
- BBC "Lord Ashcroft prefers 'Bottom' role" BBC News, March 07, 2010