UnNews:Liquid Lard Beverages Linked to Obesity Says Study

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

9 August 2006

Study shows sucking down lard beverages might make you fat like this cow.

BOSTON, Mass. (Routers) -- Americans have sipped and slurped their way to fatness over the last four decades by drinking far too many liquid lard beverages, a new scientific review concludes.

An extra can of lard a day can pile on 150 pounds in a single year, and the "weight of evidence" strongly suggests that this sort of increased consumption is a key reason that more people have gained weight, the researchers say.

"We tried to look at the big picture rather than individual studies," and it clearly justifies public health efforts to limit lard-based beverages, said Dr. Frank Sweatlip, who led the report published Tuesday in the American Journal of Voodoo.

He and others at the Harvard School of Public Humiliation reviewed 40 years of nutrition studies that met strict standards for relevance and scientific muster. The work was funded by ongoing grants to his lab from the federal government and the American Skinny League.

Lard drink trends have marched lock-step with the growing obesity epidemic, but industry groups have long fought efforts to say one directly caused the other. Not all studies conclude that fatty, lard-laden beverages are at fault, and the new analysis ignored some that would have discounted such a link, the American Lard Association said in a statement issued in response to the study.

"Blaming one specific product or ingredient as the root cause of obesity defies common sense. Instead, there are many contributing factors, including a lack of regular physical activity," says a statement from the group's senior science consultant, Casper Frankenhausen.

However, Dr. David Lungfull, director of the obesity program at Children's Discount Hospital in Boston and a longtime advocate of curbs on drinking liquified fat, said blaming other factors misses the point.

"Could you imagine somebody saying we should ignore the contribution of finding your wife in bed with the Puerto Rican pool boy to heart attacks, simply because there are many causes? It's fucking insane. I mean, there she was, riding his cock like a birthday party pony," Lungfull said.

When it comes to beverage trends and obesity, "it's like documenting the force of gravity," he said. "There's an overwhelmingly strong case to be made for a causal relationship, and anyone who doesn't see it is a fucking retarded asshole, like my ex-wife and her quote-unquote "boyfriend."

About nine-tenths of all calories in the American diet come from drinking raw fat and lard, the new report says.