UnNews:Lieberman plans to continue political career in Israel

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

18 August 2006

Lieberman, after kissing Bush's ass to prove his credentials as a liberal Democrat, offered this straight-armed salute to reaffirm his Judaism.

STAMFORD, Connecticut - Grub-pale and whining Joseph Lieberman today announced his plans to continue his crash-and-burn political career in Israel. The unattractive and generally disliked politician commented, "I'm a loyal American, but I have loyalties greater than those to my state and country, and that's my loyalty to my career."

Lieberman noted that the move was contingent on his losing his Senate reelection bid in November, but, in his words, "Come on, what chance do I have, really? I'm just staying in the race because I have an obligation to... er... repay the Democratic Party."

Lieberman explained his reasons for leaving the U.S. and trying his luck in Israel. "When I joined Lyndon Johnson's Democratic Party in 1967, fighting unwinnable wars and spying on the American people and kissing Texans was what we were all about. I haven't abandoned my Party; they have abandoned me. Plus, I heard that in Israel, 48% is a landslide win!"

Immediately after the announcement, there was a small spattering of speculation about whether Lieberman would attempt to create a "Labor Leadership Council" to drag the Labor Party to the right, or join Kadima. However, he put speculation to rest, announcing, "I am still a Democrat," even though Israel's Democratic Party no longer exists, having merged with Shinui to form DASH in 1977, and that DASH in turn has been defunct since 1981. Lieberman remained undeterred.

Shortly after Lieberman's announcement, former Shinui chairman and Hetz co-founder Tommy Lapid resigned from his current Lapid, Poraz, and Two Scrawny Cats Party (LAPTSCP) to join the Democrats and contest Lieberman for chairmanship. Lapid is expected to make much of Lieberman's incredible, albino-like whiteness, as well as his close ties with Ariel Sharon. Buttons have already been designed showing the two men appearing to wash each other's hair.

Still, Lieberman has vowed that should he lose the Democratic chairmanship, he would run as an Independent, even though this is impossible in Israel. Lapid, for his part, vowed that unless he wins the chairmanship and Poraz the vice-chairmanship, they would shave their heads and fuck chickens.

The Israeli press has paid little attention; commentators point out that Lieberman's Democratic Party has a "Chinaman's chance" at winning the more than 60,000 votes needed to gain a seat in the Knesset, and that the whole plan is therefore ferkakta.