UnNews:Haggard feels "fabulous!"

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5 December 2006

Ted Haggard: Gay and Lovin' it!

DOLLYWOOD, USA - Pastor Ted Haggard, recently outed by a drug-pushing "massage"-giving male prostitute as a male prostitute renting "happy ender" meth addict, is finding his new life to be easier than he thought it would be, back when he hated fags.

"Well, goddamn! At first I believed that we didn't have to debate about what we should think about homosexual activity, it's written in the Bible." he said to Mike Jones, post-coitus, "Now that I've actually had the time to sit down and read the 'Good Book' I've come to realize that a lot of it is pretty <expletive> up!"

A publicly shamed Ted resigned his pastorship after allegations by Mike Jones that he had used Mike to "score", in more ways than one.

Mike Jones makes meth-fueled gay mansex look like a good idea. It's in the Bible. Near the middle. No, your other middle.

"I'm not saying that scripture is not both to be taken literally, and completely and totally true. Because it is. What I'm saying is, it points to and all-loving and all-good God who's seriously <expletive> up. Of course the Flood really happened; what else would have killed off the dinosaurs? But just how incompetent is the one true God that'd He'd need to go that far? It was piss poor planning on His part, in my opinion."

"And what's He got against shellfish, anyway? Sure, it made sense back before refrigeration. Did He never have a shrimp cocktail? Oh, stop it, Mike. You always giggle when I say 'cock'. What will I ever do with you?" When Mr. Jones stopped giggling Ted continued, "I'm against stoning adulterers...and homosexuals too. At least I am now. Getting homosexuals stoned, on the other hand...You'd think He'd be smart enough to put a 'best before' date on some of the eternal laws in that book that He wrote."

"Some would say that I'm a hypocrite for being gay while advocating the oppression of homosexuals. Those people are small-minded, mean-spirited and wrong. I'm not a 'hypo'crite, I'm a 'homo'crite."

When asked how being "outed" had effected his life he replied, "Not as much as you'd think. A lot of things are still the same. I still don't have sex with my wife, for instance. Changes? Hmmm. Well, my wardrobe is much nicer now for one thing, and my hair is better. Frosted tips...you like? And I never noticed before just how campy Dollywood was."

"This experience has taught me to be a better man. It's taught me that men know what men like. Most importantly it's shown me how to be tolerant toward others. In fact, after I came out, I thought about doing the 'Gay Pride' thing in Jerusalem." he closed, "But I've seen "The Passion", so I'm not sure that I really trust kikes."