UnNews:Great white shark eats Kevorkian; blames AC/DC
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
6 June 2011
AMITY ISLAND, Massachussetts -- Controversial assisted-suicide advocate Dr. Jack Kevorkian, after failing to find someone to assist in his suicide, jumped into the water, blasting his vinyl record of AC/DC's perrennial bestselling album, Back in Black. He figured that the hard rock riffs of Angus Young and brother Malcolm Young would "rough 'em up and piss 'em off." Them being great white sharks.
Locals warned Kevorkian, who escaped from prison under myserious circumstances in the wee hours, that blasting AC/DC was only going to make the sharks calmer. "These buggers," Brian Scott says, "they really like their Accadacca." Kevorkian, however, didn't listen.
However, Dr. Death's wish came true when the record skipped during second track "Shoot to Thrill." "That's the shark's favorite," Bonnie Johnson says. A 25 foot-long great white jumped out of the water and tore Kevorkian to shreds. Miraculously, it spared the album sleeve he was holding in his left hand. Eerily, the lyric "Play to kill" looped infinitely until the Sheriff arrived and fixed the record's playback. But it was too late; Kevorkian was dead and eaten. Locals were surprised that the doctor never screamed or cried for help. "He's got big balls," says Byron Jackson.
Legendary film director Steven Spielberg hasn't taken the news lightly. Spielberg has just announced that his 1975 shark blockbuster Jaws is finally coming to Blu-ray.
| “ | It's really crappy timing, it really is. When I found out a shark ate Kevorkian, I about shit my pants... which is okay since I can afford 100 new pairs or more anytime. But damn, this shit has hit me hard. I knew we should have picked Schindler's List instead. Dammit! | ” |
Some of you may be too young to remember Kevorkian, but honestly, who cares? I'll leave you with Quint's Indianapolis speech from Jaws:
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Brian Johnson "Dr. Jack Kevorkian dead at 83" CNN, June 3, 2011
- Quint "Shark eats Kevorkian, Spielberg announces Jaws Blu-ray: "Crappy timing"" Ain't It Cool News, June 3, 2011
- John Funk "Listening to AC/DC Makes Great White Sharks Calmer" The Escapist, June 6, 2011