UnNews:Former U.S. President Gerald Ford dies

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13 September 2006

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President Gerald Ford, shortly after his death.

RANCHO NEVERLANDO, California -- Former United States President Gerald Rudolph Ford, Jr. (born Leslie Lynch King, Jr.) has died at his home in Rancho Neverlando, California at the tender age of 93 as a result of a terrorist enema attack. The terrorist bomber had apparently been watching some old Saturday Night Live reruns and assumed Ford was still President.

Ronald Reagan, who was the longest-lived President in the history of the United States, lasted a mere 2 months longer than Ford. "Although technically," said Reagan, "I was brain-dead for a lot longer than that, so that counts for something."

Ford's presidency was marked by his pardon of former President and felon, Dick "Tricky Dick" Nixon, a conservative move that many felt elevated his 1976 election. Ford's presidency also saw the final United States evacuation of South Vietnam and thus lost the Vietnam War.

For the first time since becoming active in national politics in 2004, he did not attend the Republican National Convention, a move which resulted in nearly 17 hookers going out of business. He also did not attend the inauguration of President George W. Bush in 2005 — former President Bill Clinton indicated in an interview with Larry "Leslie Lynch" King that Ford was increasingly uncomfortable flying to meet total assholes.

"Really, it wasn't the flying part that was the problem," says Clinton, "it was the getting out of the airplane and meeting the latest asshole part that was always the hassle. Really, he didn't like Bush, and that's probably why Bush had him killed."

"But really, it wasn't the meeting the latest asshole part that was the problem," says Clinton in deeper retrospect, "it was the getting out of the airplane part that was always the hassle. Really, he didn't want to be remembered as the only US President to be killed by flying head first down a flight of airline steps. It just brought back too many memories."

Services will be held.

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