UnNews:Famous naturalist's death shocks the stupid
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
5 September 2006
OSLO, Canada -- Famous Canadian naturalist and media celebrity Stan Ferwin was killed Sunday after one of the poison dart frogs of 10,000 he was sitting in a small cage with injected a fatal dart into Ferwin's right ass cheek. Millions of incredibly stupid people were shocked by the death, even though Ferwin was always doing crazy shit like that.
These people were the same ones who were shocked when Las Vegas entertainer Roy Horn was attacked by a tiger on stage and had his head chewed on like an old shoe.
Mitch Villanova, Ferwin's press agent, commented, "Yeah, I guess it's sad when something like this happens, but you'd have to be a complete moron not to see it coming."
One such complete moron, Barry Maltansic, was interviewed as he was adding a pith helmet with the word "Balsamic!" written on it (Ferwin's trademark exclamation) to a makeshift shrine built up near the front gate of Ferwin's nature compound. Said Maltansic, "I just can't believe he's gone. After all the times he sat in holes up to his neck in poisonous vipers, or rubbed his entire body with bacon fat and wrestled a pack of wolves, who would think that something like this could ever happen?"
Many fans of the enthusiastic naturalist perhaps thought he was some kind of immortal, immune to poisons and bites that would mean instant death to anyone. But that's the way stupid people are.
Another stupid grieving fan, Missy Winchester, said she intended to put a picture of Ferwin right next to the picture of Princess Diana she has on her Wall of Celebrity Death at home. "It's just so tragic when famous people die. I've always felt closer to Stan Ferwin than to my own mother, that smelly whore."
Fans are expected to continue mourning until some other, possibly more famous person dies. Hopefully Michael Jackson.