UnNews:Do not feature this article!

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25 May 2010

Finally, an excuse to use this picture file!

I know you want to, but just don't. There's no point to it. It's a waste of bits, a pathetic attempt by the author to garner praise and adulation for his questionable "talent" as a writer. You'll only encourage him to write more, and if there's one thing we don't need around Uncyclopedia, it's any more of that.

Send a message to this dick. Tell him his idea of humor is slightly more evolved than belch language. Oh, sure, he throws in the occasional thesaurus-derived phrase in to make us think, "oh isn't he just so erudite!". Don't fall for any of it.

Fine. If you're going to keep reading, I may as well keep writing.

It's that time of year again[edit | edit source]

Typical gay cat.

Cats are in heat, and it's fun time in the neighborhood. My cats are trying to get out, and strange cats are trying to get in. Constantly. My favorite part is the 2:00am howling, which I find even more enchanting than that time Evelyn the Modified Dog cornered a skunk in the back yard.

They've been particularly meticulous lately about sharpening their claws too, often when seated on me. Lately I've been reviewing our home security situation. Who needs a gun or martial arts for self protection when I can throw one of these multi-bladed, seething, hissing missiles at an intruder?

This is the time of year that I wish cats didn't like me so well. I don't know what it is, but almost any cat I've met has decided I am a cat person. Right. I love the twice daily catbox cleanings, the puking, the hairballs, the diarrhea. They come to me like the blind to Jesus. I don't understand it.

Which brings me to the authors charismatic personality. You love him, and you know it. His ramblings are sui generis by anybodys definition. Don't indulge this dangerous narcissist in his fantasies. Don't do it! Do not feature this article!

Push "press" to pull[edit | edit source]

This section has been superseded by a peccary.

A prince among kings[edit | edit source]

Reflect, for a moment, on the very idea that you're still reading this. Possibly, you're even thinking, way back in the darker crevices of your mind perhaps, but it's there... "maybe there's something redeemable here. Maybe someplace in this godforsaken literary travesty there is buried a joke so monumentally funny that I may want to nominate it for Featured Article, just for the one joke. It's possible."

Sure, anything is possible, but (I am hoping you are a somewhat educated person here) in all probability, you must see the folly of believing this. Not convinced? Still reading? OK, here, I'll throw you a bone:

“Ohh yes... They Float Georgie... They Float... and when your down here, with me... YOU FLOAT TOO!”

~ Dick Cheney on water boarding

Sure, my buddy François thinks it's hilarious, but he's baked. No, really. He's taking prescribed medical marijuana pills, plus I just smoked some primo Purple Kush with him.

Do not feature this article![edit | edit source]

Even if you went so far as to nominate this article in the VFH section (vote for highlight), or voted for it, it's still not too late. Just because some numb-nuts thinks it's funny doesn't mean that we must collectively go insane. When you (and you know who you are) are reading this, nonexistent Cabal member, remember that Uncyclopedia stands for truth and beauty. This article should be sterilized and shot into space. Keep this thought foremost in your mind: "Do not feature this article! Do not feature this article!"