UnNews:Dead ducks in Idaho mark arrival of bird flu to North America

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

14 December 2006

Officials say this duck is not likely to survive the bird flu, and you're next.

BOISE, Idaho - The number of mallard ducks that have died along a creek in southeastern Idaho has climbed to about a zillion as puzzled wildlife officials are laying 8 to 5 that it's the dreaded bird flu, in which case, the U.S. poultry industry may be totally fucked.

Idaho Department of Fish and Game and U.S. Department of Homeland Security officials expected to have results Thursday from the urine samples taken from the ducks on the creek. The battery of tests were done at the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service's national laboratory in Wisconsin, the University of Idaho and Washington State University.

The ducks mysteriously began dying last week around Land Springs Creek, near the remote town of Oakley, about 180 miles southeast of Boise. No signs of fowl play (Get it? "Fowl play?" har har har), or suicide notes have been found.

Some migratory mallards from Canada and their local cousins were still dropping like flies at the creek Wednesday, staggering and struggling to breathe before collapsing, just like comedian Chris Farley, said Dave Parrish, regional supervisor for Fish and Game and Booty.

"I've never seen anything like this in 20 years here," he said. "There were dead mallards everywhere — in the water, on the banks, in the sky and in my pants. It was odd, they were in a very small area. It's bird flu, for sure. God help us all, because we're all DOOMED!"