UnNews:DC announces plan for new bummer Batman films
Saturday, April 15, 2023
Warner Bros. Pictures have announced plans to make a series of "total, stone-cold bummer" films about the Batman Universe.
Spokesperson Joanna Corey told UnNews: "Frank Miller's dystopian Gotham of street gangs and prostitutes is still the benchmark.
"Tim Burton's movies in the '80s and '90s were called dark, but that was mostly because Batman's costume was black, instead of gray and navy.
"Then Christopher Nolan took it further, re-imagining Batman's villains as either Al Qaeda-like west-hating terrorists or psychotic anarchists - and people loved it.
"The final stage of the Bat-Family's evolution into total stone-cold bummer material began with Joker being Taxi Driver versus King Of Comedy with extra clownface - that won an Oscar!
"So we followed it up with The Batman having an incel terrorist version of the Riddler with almost no riddly elements, and soon we are going to release Joker: Folie à Deux, which has all kinds of depressing plotlines about psychosexual abuse."
Corey dropped teasers about the following flicks in the pipeline:
Batgirl
Partly based on Alan Moore's The Killing Joke, Batgirl tells the story of Barbara Gordon's superheroine in flashback, because in the present she has been shot and left paralyzed by Joaquin Phoenix's Joker, and is drifting in and out of consciousness as he rapes her.
Two-Face
While most versions of Two-Face's origin story have Harvey Dent suffering a precise burn to half his face in a cruel moment of tragic irony, Two-Face builds from a nerve-jangling cat-and-mouse pursuit of Dent by vengeful Albanian gangsters, to an excrucitating 35-minute torture scene in which he is slowly and remoreselessly disfigured. So painful are the resulting injuries that Dent becomes dependent on fentanyl and slowly spirals into psychosis and crime. Gotham has never looked more like Ohio.
Robin
Robin focuses on Dick Grayson's origin story, as the mob's sabotage of his parents' trapeze act is portrayed in bone-crunching detail. The Boy Wonder's resulting frantic attempt to save their lives reveals that the "red" part of his costume is nothing but mommy and daddy blood.
Penguin
Far from emulating Danny Devito's show-stopping turn as essentially an Augustus Gloop-shaped Bond Villain, The Penguin imagines Oswald Cobblepot as a vile child trafficker, furnishing Gotham's numerous pedophiles with motherless refugee children from Ukraine. No colourful umbrellas.
Mr Freeze
Don't go expecting a snazzy blue costume or puns involving the words ice, chill or snow. Mr. Freeze is the harrowing tale of a meat truck driver who murders his parents in the film's first scene and keeps them in an abandoned freezer room at one of his company's warehouses, which he regularly enters in order to have three-way conversations with their corpses. Shot in one continuous take, the film features just three actors, and only lead Steve Buscemi has any lines.
Catwoman
Instead of Michelle Pfeiffer falling from a skyscraper and being licked back to life by cats, Todd Phillips' Catwoman depicts Selina Kyle as an orphan who is sexually abused by a string of foster fathers before sliding into prostitution. By the end of the film she is the closest thing the D.C. universe has to a good guy, which is an anti-hero who murders pimps and curb crawlers.
Poison Ivy
Pamela Lillian Isley is apparently the archetypal carer, working in a hospice and with a reputation for having a real green thumb. But what begins with the mercy killing of a long-suffering patient leads her to becoming an "angel of mercy", poisoning patients, coworkers and indeed anyone who looks a bit fed up.