UnNews:Church gives up hunt for Naked Pope
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
11 March 2013
Vatican City -- Since Christmas 2008, the Holy Roman Catholic Church has hunted vigorously for Pope Benedict XVI, whose nervous meltdown over gays and their supposed destructive influence on the rainforest left him to be forever known as "the Naked Pope". Now, after four years of a back-breaking manhunt across the globe, the Church has officially given up the search and decided to move on.
"We have churches, cathedrals, hospitals and huts in every corner and crevice of this literally God damned planet," said a frustrated Archbishop Claudius Gravitas, head of the Vatican's Naked Pope Search Committee. "We've all but blown our budget for the next 50 years on missionary trips to the rainforest. We even paid Google to create a custom Naked Pope search app on Google Maps. Boy, was that money flushed down the toilet. You'd think finding a naked Pope would be somewhat easy, but you'd be wrong." Throwing his hands in the air, Gravitas exclaimed, "We give up! By the grace of God, our nude Holy Father is gone! GONE!!"
Every once and awhile reports would come in about an old naked guy wearing a fancy, tall hat spotted prancing in some obscure city. However, nearly every last one of these were mere Naked Pope imitators. It even became a trend to streak at random events wearing a mitre and upload the video to YouTube. Currently, the Naked Pope meme has surpassed the Harlem Shake in popularity, yet has fallen short of the timeless naked guy bent over stretching his anus.
On the rare occasion that the genuine naked Pope Benedict was spotted, usually spouting some gibberish about gays fagging up the rainforest, he could never be caught, as pretty much no one wants to tackle a naked old man who presumably hasn't showered in years. The desperate Vatican even promised a pot of gold to whomever caught the Naked Pope. Unfortunately, this reward was discontinued when the Church's Irish Catholic division discovered that the fabled gold at the end of the rainbow was property to Pope Benedict's greatest enemies, the homosexual Jewish community.
Counting their losses and saying their prayers, the Church will vote for a new fully-clothed Pope tomorrow via papal conclave. The College of Cardinals ran a background check on every possible contender to the throne to make sure that, while each one of them loathed homosexuality beyond reason for the modern age, none of them are prone to mental illness or bouts of sudden nudism.