UnNews:Naked Pope thought to be spotted, actually testicle molester
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
9 March 2013
Reports ejaculated from a small town in Delaware on Friday about a nude man grabbing men's crotches and molesting their testicles with his bare hands. The nutty molester was described as being completely naked, with the exception of a tall mitre that looked like a penis.
With simply that information alone, rumor spread overnight that the naked Pope Benedict XVI, longed searched for by the Roman Catholic Church, was finally discovered. However, these hopes were smashed when further details proved it was not the Naked Pope, but your ordinary run-of-the-mill pervert.
An area victim described his close encounter and then some to NUTZ News:
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I thought, "Hail Mary, Full of Crap! It's the Naked Pope!! But, wait... I'm not an alter boy." I decided to look down and confirm my disappointment face-to-crotch. Assuredly, that was not the Pope's genitals. For one thing, the Pope has a magnificent cock, but this cock was very underwhelming and below average. Furthermore, his balls were distorted and black. You know, not a sexy black color, like black people in general have, but a sickening black color. I immediately threw up on his hairy, bare chest. The worst part is that I think my vomit aroused him even more. |
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While it wasn't the Naked Pope, the description fits the profile of the slightly-less infamous testicle molester, who himself has been at large since 2011. Why he chose to imitate the Naked Pope is hotly debated. Criminal psychologists believe that the testicle molester has grown weary of his molestation routine and decided to spice things up by going naked, with a dash of sacrilege for extra thrills.
Meanwhile, detectives theorize he was copycatting the Naked Pope to bring himself new global attention. Dressing up, so the speak, as a world-famous missing religious leader who will be remembered centuries from now was the best possible way to elevate himself. The recent Internet trend of streaking as the Naked Pope fits the latter theory. A video of the alleged naked testicle molester running way from police while clasping his genitals currently has 20 million views on YouTube.
As it stands, neither the Naked Pope nor the testicle molester have been captured. If you see happen to see either a naked Pope, a testicle molester, or both, please inform your local authorities.