UnNews:Bruce Dickinson moonlighting as meth cook after cancer diagnosis
Sunday, March 1, 2015
WARNING: The information in this document is not to be released to the public. Doing so would piss off bald, fat DEA agents named Hank.
ALBUQUERQUE, New Mexico -- Legendary Iron Maiden lead singer Bruce Dickinson was diagnosed with tongue cancer back in December. The band hasn't made any real money since its 1980s heavy metal heyday. Desperate for money to pay off treatment and to pass on to his family when he dies, Dickinson has teamed up with a moody teenage fan named Jesse Punkass to manufacture and cook meth.
In January, Dickinson and Punkass hired attorney Saul Goodberger to bail out Jesse's friend, Beaver, after he was busted for selling drugs to an undercover cop. Goodberger introduced Dickinson and Punkass to fried chicken titan Russ Bing, who's secretly a drug kingpin himself and bears a striking resemblance to Tay Zonday.
"I couldn't believe Colonel Sanders asked me to cook meth for him," says Dickinson. "He looks so much like Tay Zonday that every time he opens his mouth, I expect him to sing 'Chocolate Rain.' No luck yet. Damn."
During this time, Dickinson adopted the moniker, "Heisenstein," to protect his true identity.
Dickinson is doing so in secret. His wife, Paddy Bowden, would freak out if she found out about his illegal activities. Even worse, Dickinson's brother-in-law is DEA agent Hank Schneider.
The Iron Maiden rocker, starting to lose hair, had no choice but to shave it all off. He has since grown a goatee and has started wearing glasses to protect his identity.
"Most people are so stupid, they don't even realize Clark Kent is Superman," Dickinson says. "If all he needs is glasses, then I'm good."
Please, whatever you do, this writer must warn you not to inform Hank Schneider of Dickinson's wrongdoings.
"Oh shit," Dickinson realizes, "I left my Bob Dylan songbook in the bathroom and Hank is taking a crap!"
The Dylan book has a handwritten dedication from Dickinson coworker Dale Buttitcher, whom Punkass shot and killed when he assumed that Russ Bing would kill Dickinson and have Buttitcher replace him.
The note reads:
"To my other favorite B.D.
It is an honor working with you
- D.B."
It is currently unknown if Hank has discovered the book. We'll keep you updated if and when such a tragedy occurs.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Tyrus Kitt "Breaking Band: Bruce Dickinson cooks meth to pay for chemo" KRQE News 13, February 19, 2015