UnNews:Babel politics (or is that "babble politics"?)
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
11 September 2007
WASHINGTON, D. C. - The Democratic Party, out to show what an ass they are, has announced that they will broadcast their remaining debates in Spanish, French, German, Italian, Japanese, Mandarin Chinese, Pakistani, and pidgin English. “We are the big top tent party, the inclusive party, the multilingual, multiethnic, multi-everyone, multi-everything party who feels your pain and hates Bush partygoers party,” a party spokesperson said, “and broadcasting our debates in all the languages of our rainbow constituency is how we show our love and respect for the voters that make America great.”
“We want to be all things to all people,” Barack Obama declared at a rally for his supporters.
“If the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender community had a language,” Hillary Clinton observed, “we’d broadcast our debates in their tongue, too.” As it is, she admitted, Democratic presidential candidates must use “secret hand signals” and “code words,” such as the signals that their Republican colleague, Larry Craig, used to cast his vote in favor of funding gay restroom services.
Between hiccoughs, Ted Kennedy managed to suggest, “The Tower of Babel has nothing on the Democratic Party; we can babble with the best of them.”
When he was asked to clarify his comment, Kennedy said, “What comment?” Narrowing his eyes, he asked, “Was that a crack about Mary Jo Kopechne? ‘Cause if it is, that bitch has been dead for decades. Let’s let her rest in pieces, okay?”
The Democrats also considered Yiddish and Hebrew as languages in which to broadcast their debates, but decided against the use of these languages. “That might encourage the Jews to listen,” Joseph Biden said, “and we don’t trust them, because, although many are liberals, they’re also business leaders, and Big Business--well, that’s a Republican scam.”
A member of the Cherokee Nation of Native Americans said his community feels slighted by the Democrats. “As always, they’ve left us out.” Theirs is the only native Americans to have developed a written language. However, statistically, they do not represent a significant voting bloc. “We don’t count,” David Two-legged Dear With Round Tail and Comely Hind Quarters Running Through Golden Meadows to Feed and Rut By Babbling Brooks said.
The Geico Cavemen also wondered why the Democratic Party is not broadcasting their debates in Cro-Magnon and Neanderthal. “There’s a few of us left, you know,” one of them told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “We survived the Ice Age, and, unlike some members of the Democratic Party, we can actually read and write.”
“We try,” Clinton said, “but we can’t please everyone.”
“I know she could never please me,” her husband, former president Bill Clinton, declared. "Monica, on the other hand, she was a woman who--uh, I never had sex with theat woman. I never had sex with Chelsea, either, not the way I define the word."
Source[edit | edit source]
- Lotta Lies "Democrats bring the Tower of Babel into the political arena" Instant News, 56 nanoseconds ago