UnNews:Aliens visit UK, fined for illegal parking
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
19 September 2007
London, England, United Kingdom, Earth[1] -- When alien B'fergal Blux of the Gelb Empire became the first extraterrestrial life form to visit Britain, the last thing he expected was to have his flying saucer impounded by a traffic warden.
Mr. Blux, 149, arrived in Hyde Park, central London, at 7.00 am. Upon returning from a surprise visit to the House of Commons (where he was unaccountably mistaken for John Prescott on account of their similar body shapes), he was shocked to see that his state-of-the-art Zug X100 Elite Star Buggy had been clamped, and a £100 penalty notice had been affixed to its front. He was accused not only of parking illegally, but of failing to pay the congestion charge. As a result of this, he allegedly went into a fit of rage, incinerating fifty nearby pedestrians.
A spokesman for the Mayor of London, Ken Livingstone, said "It's good to see that our environmental regulations are being properly enforced. Having ensured that American diplomats will comply with the congestion charge, we have every intention of applying the same to visitors from other worlds."
As he had no access to his primary means of transportation, Mr. Blux then attempted to travel on the London Underground. However, owing to an industrial relations dispute, the line was running a reduced service, and while attempting to board an overcrowded train, Mr. Blux became stuck in the doors, causing him severe injury. Concerned citizen Ms. Doris Blitoffer, 83, phoned an ambulance, only to be informed that the accident and emergency room at the local hospital had been closed due to NHS funding cuts, and, indeed, that the hospital had recently been converted into a free accommodation centre for Somali immigrants.
Mr. Blux, who was rescued after eight hours, has now announced his intention to sue Transport for London for violating his legal rights. His solicitor Arnold Cherry, 34, said "It will be a great victory for human rights in this country if we can establish that human rights apply to non-humans."
Reports that Mr. Blux had been invited to 10 Downing Street are unconfirmed. Opposition Leader David Cameron said "This is another example of the Government losing control of our borders. Immigration in this country needs to be restricted." Liberal Democrat leader Sir Menzies Campbell, speaking from the Party Conference in Brighton, said "We need to assess the potential impact of alien visits on climate change. Possibly the imposition of a tax on alien visitors is an option worth considering."
The First Minister for Scotland, Alex Salmond, announced that the Scottish Executive would extend an invitation for Mr. Blux to visit Loch Ness. He said "We don't intend to let the English monopolise our links to other planets."
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- ↑ Liberal activists contend that "England, United Kingdom" should be replaced with "South East Euro Region, United Federal States of Europe". However, we felt this would confuse Americans, many of whom believe Europe to be somewhere in the Middle East.