UnNews:200 million-year-old beetle trapped in amber; rescue efforts underway

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Hang in there, Herbie! It won't be long now!

Maplewood, VERMONT: After combing through the New England wilderness for nearly the past 28 geologic epochs, emergency crews finally located a beetle which had been reported to the authorities as having mysteriously disappeared under mysterious circumstances. It seems that the unlucky insect, while exploring the insides of a hollowed-out prehistoric tree stump, accidentally fell into a large pool of sweet sticky fluid which has long since hardened into an impermeable translucent mass. Early this morning, a volunteer team of professional paleontologists was flown in from neighboring Quebec to carefully evaluate the dangerous situation.

The beetle, affectionately nicknamed "Herbie the Wonderbug", was discovered to be in remarkably good shape considering how long he had been stuck inside the resinous substance. Even though no signs of life were immediately detectable, the entire emergency-response crew have high expectations for a speedy extraction and successful resuscitation.

UnNews reporters lurking in the depths of the shadows the scene were temporarily puzzled by the overly-optimistic mood of the gathering crowds who were offering fervent prayers and sending social-media text messages and setting up multiple "Free Herbie Donate Now" fund-raising websites on behalf of Herbie. One of the ambulance drivers was pulled aside for a moment so that he could patiently explained to us that, even though Herbie had been immobilized for so many millions of years, hope was yet still alive. Hypothetically, the beetle (who is only now garnering mega-celebrity status) could have survived with a combination of a low metabolic rate brought on by Vermont's cooler climate, oxygen diffusion through the exposed surfaces of the solidified amber, and an ever-present albeit monotonous supply of delicious crunchy tree sap.

President Trump has responded by declaring the state of Vermont a federal disaster area, making it eligible for additional federal resources to aid in rescue efforts. National leaders from all over the globe have responded to the plight of the trapped beetle, and, for the most part, have offered their wishes for a happy outcome.

International responses

Austria: "The peoples of Austria feel for the plight of Herbie and pledge to send what few chisels we can spare to help alleviate this terrible situation."

Bolivia: "Bolivia, as always, desires to improve the safety and welfare of our insect cousins where-ever they may reside."

China: "The Chinese government strongly desires that all of the disputing parties will soon come to the bargaining table in order to peaceably work out their differences in a civilized manner so that today's dangerous political tensions will not be further exacerbated... uh, what was that earlier stuff about a beetle, again?"

Denmark: "Did you know that beetles make up more than 99 percent of all endangered species on Planet Earth? It's true!"

Egypt: "We of the Egyptian Realm send our best for a swift resolution of this compelling tragedy, and hereby designate the courageous Herbie as our Honorary Scarab of the Month."

Finland: "Did you say beetles??? Oh god, 'get them off us!!!"

Ghana: "What's wrong with beetles, for heaven's sake? We don't got nearly enough of them down here."

Honduras: "Vermont is no place for a poor defenseless beetle born in the hot and steamy tropical paradise that was the Mesozoic Era. We will gladly expatriate Herbie to our hot and steamy tropical country so that he may thrive in our hot and steamy tropical rainforests."

Italy: "All'a this hoop'a'la over a insecta??? Yous'a gotta be kidding..."

Japan: "You know, we've got an excellent recipe in the works for this! Picture it: Authentic Flash-Fried Herbie and Maple Nuggets! (with Glazed Soybeans and Carrots, even!)"

Kazakhstan: "Yes, we love all the beetles! John, Paul, George, Ringo; and now Herbie!"

Luxembourg: "Did you know that the quality of Luxembourgian amber mined from our great Petrified Forests far exceeds industrial standards? Unlike you careless Americans, we guarantee virtually no dead insects or any other biological contaminants in our national products."

Mexico: "La cucaracha, la cucaracha, ya no puede caminar, porque no tiene, porque le falta marijuana que fumar."

North Korea: "It's just a stupid dead beetle. Dammit, we got problems of our own to deal with!"

Oman: "We look forward to Herbie's eventual freedom from religious oppression. Oh, yeah, getting unstuck from out of that orangy stuff, that too."

Papua New Guinea: "Did he say glazed carrots??? Yum!..."

Qatar: "Could be worse... Herbie might have fallen into one of our legendary tar pits or something."

Russia: "In formerly-Soviet Russia, amber gets trapped in YOU!... ... ... ... ... what?"

South Africa: "We strongly condemn the United States for their continual extermination efforts and unfair treatment towards their insect residents, which directly contributed to this unfortunate event."

Tanzania: "Yep, he said glazed carrots alright (droool)."

United States: "Me and the entire Trump Administration, as always, are going all out to help in this great humanitarian effort. We are all stronger together when we work together. But remember, it was entirely Herbie's fault for falling into such an obvious trap in the first place!"

Vanuatu: "Visit scenic Vanuatu! Bring many American Dollars when you visit Vanuatu! Vacation in sunny Vanuatu! Spend all your American Dollars in capital of Vanuatu! Swim in formerly-shark-infested waters of Vanuatu! Oh, yeah... peace out, Herbie!"

Western Sahara: "We deeply sympathize for the politically-oppressed peoples of Vermont and their beloved beetle, and hope that this unpleasant experience will finally lead to international recognition for the Sovereignty of the great Vermontian Republic once and for all."

Xanadu: "You need the world to know that our neon lights will shine for you, Herbie! Even if it takes a million years for your dream to come through!"

Yemen: "Don't be ridiculous!; you can't eat Herbie!"

Zimbabwe: "We the people of the Republic of Zimbabwe would be overjoyed to eat anything at this point..."