Theo Huxtable
“I love him.”
“He gave me AIDS.”
“ ”
“I hate him.”
“If only I wasn't dead...and he was real.”
“He hates me.”
“I hate them all.”
Theo "Madonna" Huxtable™ is a televangelist, and Civil War veteran, fighting in every civil war since his birth. He also founded modern hating. When modern hating caught on, he hated that too. This was the first time he was ever quoted as saying, "I hate those guys." It would not be the last.
Biography[edit | edit source]
Theo Huxtable is the spawn of Phyllis Diller and Lucille Ball. He was raised in the Vatican, where most of his schooling was done by then-Cardinal Malcolm X. Originally a happy child, young Theo's mean spiritedness developed when Malcolm X became pope. He became incensed over the fact that Pope Malcolm X no longer had time for him, and quit televangelism.
Huxtable left the Vatican in search of answers. He found them when he met That Guy.
Theo Huxtable and That Guy[edit | edit source]
While fighting in the Spanish Civil War, Huxtable met That Guy for the first time. After freeing the slaves, he joined That Guy for a celebratory kitten huffing. That Guy told him, "The Orange ones fuck you up REAL good." He was hooked. To this day, Theo Huxtable exclusively huffs orange kittens. He is known to have greatly upset the orange kitten community when he attempted to huff their self proclaimed leader, Garfield. With the help of Garfield's long time rival, Scrooge McDuck, Huxtable was able to go into hiding somewhere in the Pacific North-West. Until this day, Theo is to have been on the run from their great military commander Dick Cheney.
Theo Huxtable and This Guy[edit | edit source]
Theo's search for the purest orange kittens brought him to Australia where he fought in the Australian Civil War (also known as the Struggle for Dingo Liberation). He was court-marshalled and sent to prison for striking his superior officer, Helen Keller. He was heard saying, "Shut the fuck up! What are you, deaf?" During a prison riot during which several inmates were killed, including Abraham Lincoln and Santa, Huxtable and This Guy encountered each other for the first time.
Ten months later in the rec yard, This Guy told Huxtable, "Watch This." Theo was shocked as he had heard This Guy was executed three days previously. This Guy then taught Huxtable the science of resurrection. Huxtable promptly shanked him the neck and said, "Raise this bitch!" This knowledge would come in handy later on in his life.
Huxtable broke out of prison and swam to Argentina with the help of Roseanne, whom he used as a life raft. Upon reaching shore, Theo asked, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" She gravely replied, "Not unless you have the cure for the HIV." They never spoke again.
Life After Prison[edit | edit source]
Tired and wet from his day-long swim to Argentina, Huxtable needed a towel. It was then that he met his future wife Towelie. True love was sparked on Theo's first words, "You're a towel." They were married 2 days later by former Nazi general, George Washington Carver. Towelie died of a peanut allergy 2 days later. Distraught, Huxtable began sending harassing morse code messages to Poseidon and REO Speedwagon. Huxtable was later captured in an Israeli raid while he was attempting to shank General Carver. Theo escaped Israeli custody by sparking the 14th Intafada, which later became known as Christmas. While fighting in a civil war in Chad, he worked his way up the ranks to become the Admiral of Chad's navy. He served under the tutelage of Admiral Ackbar. Ackbar died under mysterious circumstances, apparently of a shank to the neck. On the wall was scrawled in blood, "I hate Squids." At the end of the war, Huxtable moved to New York City's East Village.
Moving On[edit | edit source]
While in New York, Huxtable took a long hard look at his life. One day, he got a call from his good friend and former Miss USA, Burt Reynolds. Reynolds suggested that they collaborate on a project together, but Huxtable declined, as he had already committed himself to star in the neo-noir film "Madagascar," in which he plays the protagonist and Mariachi band guitarist, the Green Power Ranger. When the show hit Broadway, Huxtable had had enough of life in the fast lane. He moved to a small bungalow in Darfur and spent many years macramé-ing shorts and making spinach dip in loaves of sour dough bread while listening to death metal bands Coldplay and Asia.
Journey[edit | edit source]
In his autobiography "I Hate Hate Haters," Huxtable brought to light previously unknown details about his relationship with Journey frontman Steve Perry. The two had met as both were fighting in the Irish Civil War. They spent several years together, but things came to a screeching halt when Huxtable found out Perry had given him AIDS. Not long after, Huxtable died of complications during child birth. Doctors were able to save the baby, who would eventually become The Quaker Oats Guy. Remembering the useful art of resurrection he learned from This Guy, Huxtable rose from the dead. But he still hates This Guy. Perry, in an effort to redeem himself for giving Huxtable AIDS, made him the lead singer of his band, The Dave Mattews band. This angered Jesus who had been the original lead singer, and he smote him.
Life After Death[edit | edit source]
When choosing which heaven to go to, Huxtable realized he was going to hell. After spending some time there, he was reunited with This Guy, who he shanked on sight. Upon seeing that This Guy didn't die, he was overheard saying, "I hate this place." Upon hearing this statement, Theo was immediately condemned to a lifetime of B-rated movie servitude. It would be this disastrous change that would eventually lead to Theo's pursuit of an R&B career, in which he would be found often in the company of R. Kelly. R. Kelly often would make life miserable, often forcing Theo to watch the one Cosby Show episode where he messed up and accidentally said 'fuck you' 18,000 times. Theo eventually went insane and butchered R. Kelly and his 13 rabid dogs. Detective Stuart Angel could not to a fucking thing to help and Theo got away with it. Damn nigger.