Aesop's Fables
Aesop's Fables are a collection of moral tales by Aesop, who is some old, dead, Greek guy.
These fables use interesting stories, which feature English-speaking animals as the character base, to get across a moral.[1] They were written to be relevant and meaningful to children who could relate to the various stereotypes the animals symbolized. Aesop wrote his stories in this manner because he was inarticulate and couldn't just get to the point. I had a collection of fables when I was younger, and you know what it taught me? Not a goddamn thing!
Some of Aesop's Fables
The Tortoise and the Hare
A tortoise and a hare agreed to race. The hare took off at a tremendous pace, but lay down to sleep on the way. The slow but steady tortoise thus emerged victorious.
Moral: Tortoises frequently carry rohypnol. Never leave your drink unattended when tortoises are about.
The Ant and the Grasshopper
All through the summer, the busy ant collected grain for the winter. Meanwhile, the feckless grasshopper did nothing but sing and dance. When winter came, the ant retired to his hole to install storm windows and reorganise his mortgage payments. The grasshopper had died a month earlier when he crashed his Harley into an oncoming semi-trailer during a two week bourbon and cocaine binge. Teenagers still kept pictures of the grasshopper on their walls, years after the ant had died of complications arising from surgery to remove a kidney stone.
Moral: Live fast, die young.
The Boy who Cried Wolf
Once there was a boy whose job it was to guard the village sheep. Unfortunately, he got a little too attached[2] to one of his charges. After the Humane Society reported him to the authorities, the cops came to arrest him. Cunningly, the boy cried "WOLF!" very loudly, and then escaped in the ensuing panic.
Moral: Always have a contingency plan.[3]
The Fox and the Grapes
Once a fox saw some black grapes hanging from a vine. He tried every means at his disposal to get to them, but he could not. "The grapes are sour," he declared and stomped off indignantly. About a day later, the grape withdrawals really started to take hold, and so ended up having to fellate a grape-pusher in Athens.
Moral: Where are my goddamn grapes? Don't hold out on me, man!
The Punch Line that Could
One day a little boy named Jesus kept on making the same joke again and again. Whenever one of his friends would use a verb in conversation, he would take that verb and insert it into the empty space in his formula joke that was metaphorically relevant to his life and was evidently symbolic of something. The joke went like this; "Your mother *verb* the *noun*" or something just as stupid. At first he got a few laughs, but overall everyone agreed he was a bit of a fag and nailed him to wooden planks to shut him the fuck up once and for all.
Moral: Oh.
The Scorpion and the Frog
One day a scorpion came to the bank of the river. Unable to cross, he asked a frog for a lift. The frog agreed. Four hours later, the frog deposited the scorpion on the bank. "Did we have to go via those rapids?" asked the scorpion. "Wouldn't it have been quicker just to go straight across?"
"Nah, mate, this is a shortcut," replied the frog. "That'll be $67.50."
Moral: Cabbies are bastards.
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Blatant copyright infringement.
Moral: Cheaters never prosper.
The Town Mouse and the Country Mouse
A town mouse came to see his cousin in the country, and dined at his house. The country mouse spent the evening angrily denouncing the teaching of evolution in public schools. A month later, the country mouse went to the city to return the visit, and was brutally mugged at an ATM. It was six months before he could leave the hospital.
Moral: There's many a mickle as makes a muckle.
The Dog and the Ghost
A Ghost took to terrorising the people who lived in the area surrounding an abandoned amusement park. A team of Children and their Dog came to investigate. The Ghost attempted to chase the Children out of his abode while the Dog made a sandwich. The Ghost was caught and the Children removed his mask to reveal his true indentity.
Moral: Never underestimate the tenacity of meddling kids ... and their dog, too.
The Horse and the Bartender
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Moral: Hypocritical speeches are easily seen through.
The Horse and the Bartender Who Was Also a Horse
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Moral: Get the punch line right the first time, douche.
The Horse and the Bartender Who Was Also a Grammar Nazi
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "The word whom is for direct objects. The verb "to be" takes a predicate nominative in the subjective case, not a direct object."
Moral: I am a douche.
The Grammar Nazi And The Horse
A horse walks into a bar, so the bartender says, "Sprechen Sie nur Deutsch! Tod zu den Juden! Das Reich steigt vor allen Nationen!"
Moral: You lost the war. Go home.
The Lion and the Mouse
Once a lion was awakened from his sleep by a mouse. The lion raised his paw to crush the mouse, but the mouse begged for mercy. "If you let me live," he said, "I will one day repay your kindness." The lion scoffed at the idea that a humble mouse could ever help a mighty lion, but nonetheless he let the mouse go. The mouse promptly sued the lion for an estimated five hundred thousand dollars, citing assault and mental anguish. The lion took to the bottle, and died a penniless wino.
Moral: No good deed goes unpunished.
The Crow and the Pitcher
Once a thirsty crow landed on the table of a beer garden. He noticed that on the table was a pitcher half filled with cheap American beer. The crow tried and tried to dip its head into the pitcher to get the "beer", but was unsuccessful. He noticed pebbles lying on the pat, and one by one he carried them to the pitcher and dropped them in. Slowly, the level of the beer began to rise, until, at last, the crow could drink. Unfortunately, he drank so much that he became intoxicated and flew into the windshield of an oncoming bus.
Moral: Crows like cheap beer.
No, wait ...
Moral: Crows like their drinks "on the rocks".
The Dog and the Hare
Fine Ales. Hot Food and a Selection of Sandwiches. Two Meals for the Price of One. Free Parking. Turn off at junction 12 then turn right past the first set of traffic lights, then turn right again at the church and we're on the the left opposite IKEA.
Moral: Book now to avoid disappointment.
The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
Once a wolf decided to get closer to the flock, so he disguised himself as a sheep. He walked amongst the flock, deceiving sheep and shepherd alike. That night, as he was about to devour one of the sheep, he was repeatedly sexually molested by the Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Moral: Even the cleverest of schemes can be ruined by a running gag.
The Bull and the Frogs
Once there were a couple of frogs standing next to a bull. One of the frogs said to the other: "I bet you can't inflate yourself to become as big as this bull". The frog felt offended and went to see her psychoanalyst. The next day she returned and answered: "No, I can't become as big as the bull but I'm OK with that".
Then the bull trampled both frogs.
Moral: Bulls don't give a shit about frogs.
The Ass, the Cock, and the Lion
An ass and a cock where playing around in a straw-yard. Jimmy "the Lion" Badger, the local sheriff, arrested their owners and threw them in prison. Then the centrist judge sentenced them to nine years in a state penitentiary for sodomy.
Moral: NOT IN THIS COUNTRY!
The Tree and the Reed
"Well, little one," said a tree to a reed that was growing at its foot. "Why do you not plant your feet deeply in the ground, and raise your head boldly in the air as I do?"
"I am contented with my lot," said the reed. "I may not be so grand, but I think I am safer."
"OMG n00b," said the tree. Then a Mexican landscaper came and weed-whacked the reed.
Moral: "¡Adios Señor Flexibilidad!" (You're in America now. Speak English.)
The Democrat, the Republican, and the High School Student
The high school student would not go two minutes without a poorly thought out George W. Bush joke or reference. After two hours of it the Democrat and the Republican were both sick to death of the high school student's poorly thought out and generally unfunny quips. So they put aside their differences and beat the holy hell out of the teenager. Then they went back to disagreeing with each other about the current administration, albeit in a much less annoying environment.
Moral: If a guy's not funny, beat him up and laugh at him.
The Two Men in the Round Room
One day a man, thinking himself clever, decided to trick another man. He invited him to a completely round room, and asked him to pee in the corner after he left. A few minutes later when he returned, he found the man had peed all over the walls, the floor, the furniture, and the ceiling. When he asked him what the hell he was doing, he stabbed him, hid his body in the round basement, and fled.
Moral: If you have any information that can help lead to the capture of this man, please call 1-800-AMERICASMOSTWANTED.
The Hawk, the Kite, and the Pigeons
The pigeons, terrified by the appearance of a Kite (Bird Of Prey with Large Nasty Talons), called upon the HMO Hawk to insure them. He immediately ran a background check on the pigeons and agreed to insure them for a flat rate of $250(US) a month. When they let him into their shelter for a final inspection, they found that he made more havoc and slew more pigeons in one day than the Kite could pounce upon in a whole year.
Moral: Acquire insurance only from a reputable agent. Trust Life. Trust Geico.
The Nurse and the Wolf
The Wolf, still smarting from his encounter with the Boy who cried Wolf, ran to the nearest hospital whereupon he was tended to by an attractive Nurse wearing a PVC outfit with a low neckline. The Wolf's eyes turned to love-hearts on stalks and his tongue rolled out across the floor. The Nurse turned into a Bunny and gave the Wolf a stick of dynamite. The Wolf's fur was blown off in the explosion, and a nearby Pig said "Th-Th-Th-That's All Folks".
Moral: Believe everything you see in cartoons.
The Tax Collector and the Pharisee
The Tax Collector, always eager to collect taxes and such, was hard at work stealing money from the poor. The Pharisee, on the other hand, was content to remain an uprtight self-righteous prick. Eventually, they both died, although the Tax Collector had more money at the time.
Moral: Not everything has a moral, moron.
The Greek, the Macedonian and the Persian
A Greek, a Macedonian and a Persian decided to rob the Ephesus Central Bank together. They succeeded and ran away with some 5,000,000 drachmas. The Civilian Guard, however, was soon after them. The three robbers decided to hide in trees. Each climbed up a separate tree. The Civilian Guard was soon under the trees, wondering if there was something up there. The Greek had done some fast thinking and said "tweet". "Ah, it's just a sparrow," said one of the guards. The Macedonian then said "cuckoo, cuckoo". "Ah, it's just a cuckoo" said the guards. After this, the Persian shouted: "Moo!"
Moral: Persians are stupid.[4]
The Other Greek, Macedonian and Persian
Shortly after the shinnanigans of the previous Greek, Macedonian and Persian at the bank, a second trio attempted to reenact the event at the Second Ephesus Central Bank. They escaped with an undisclosed amount of drachmas but were befuddled to find the Civilian Guard after them. Again. However, these robbers decided to hide in an old abandoned shed. As the Civilian Guard stormed around outside the shed, the robbers hid inside old, unused sacks. One of the guards walked into the shed and, noticing the sacks, began to kick them. The quick-witted Greek let out a muffled "meow". "Ah, it's just a cat," a guard announced. The second Macedonian, not all too original but still sharp, let out a "woof". "Ah, it's just a dog," said another guard. As he approached the Persian's sack, the Persian shouted "potatoes".
Moral: Persians ...[5]
The Rabbi, the Priest, and the flaming visage of Frank Lloyd Wright
Uh ...
Moral: Hmmm ...
The Geisha, the Monk, and the Jew
A geisha, a monk, and a Jew were out fishing on a lake. The geisha was hungry, so she got out, walked on the water, and went to the nearby sushi bar. Thirty minutes later the monk was feeling horny, so he got out, walked on the water, and went to the nearby gay sex club. Minutes later, the Jew decided to find the others, so he got out, tried to walk on the water, but drowned. The monk turned to the geisha and said, "I guess we should have told him where the rocks were."
Moral: Hitler was right.[6]
The Ass, The Cock, and The Bitch
Once upon a time, there was this guy who was an ass. He also was a bitch. And a cock.
Moral: After writing this fable, Aesop realized who was the ass/bitch/cock in the story.
The Fable Above
Once upon a time, there was an author who was uninspired. The author wanted to take part in the clever genius of his peers in writing short stories with ironic and humorous morals. In the end though, he fell short due to the fact the author was just imitating their peers rather than developing inner creativity. LOLZZz AM I RIT7E GUYZ?!?!?!
Moral: Please read the Beginner's Guide, and please be funny and not just stupid.
The Grasshopper and the Octopus
All summer long the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. Then winter came and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all the acorns. And got a race car.
Moral: Don't bother being original. Just rip off Futurama.
The Lonely Senator
A senator get's lonely in Washington DC. So he tried prostitutes, and he wasn't happy, he tried gay sex and he wasn't happy he then got himself a dog and was happy.
Moral: If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.
The Two Muffins
Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One muffin said, "Boy it's hot in here." The other muffin said, "Holy crap, a talking muffin!"
Moral: Dude – you need to lay off the brownies.
The Importance of Being Earnest
“No, stupid. That was me.”
The Fox and Apollo ... and Mercury
A crow caught in a snare prayed to Apollo to release him, making a vow to offer some frankincense at his shrine. But when rescued from his danger, he spaced on his promise. Shortly afterwards, again caught in a snare, he passed by Apollo and made the same promise to offer frankincense to Mercury. Mercury soon appeared and said to him, "O thou most base fellow? What use could one such as I have for frankincense?"
"Dude," replied the fox, "I've got a great source for weed – only $6 a G!"
"Deal." answered Mercury.
Moral: Frankincense is a lame fucking gift.
The Fox and the Crow
A crow had a cheese in its beak. Meanwhile, a fox appeared and thought the cheese looked yummy, but he couldn't reach it. So he played a dirty trick.
"Oh magnificent bird, you look so pretty. And your flight apparatus ... it's gorgeous! Could you come over here please?"
The crow landed, then the fox stole the cheese and ate it. The crow was now very sad.
Moral: Don't give your food to foxes.
or
Whoever added this story to this article is a friend of Dorothy.
The Hare, the Duck and the Hunter
A hunter was out looking for his nightly meal. He was very, very quiet and soon had both a Hare and a Duck cornered. He was unsure of which to take for his stew pot at home.
The Hare told the hunter it was duck season. The Duck maintained it was rabbit season. The Hunter found himself in quite a quandary.
Meanwhile, a sneaky, slant-eyed Jap with buck-teeth began wringing his hands together and laughing evilly. The Hunter, Hare and Duck put aside their differences and united against their common enemy. Through cleverness, strength and good old-fashioned American know-how, they poked the Jap in the butt with a bayonet.
Moral: Buy War Bonds.
See all (So?)
- ↑ e.g. "If you're not in bed by ten, come on home."
- ↑ if you know what I mean
- ↑ unless you want to go
- ↑ Apparently Aesop was a bit of a racist.
- ↑ Please.
- ↑ Also, geishas win at everything.
