The Duggar Family
The Duggar Family is a close-knit, wholesome Christian family from Arkansas that is renowned for being composed of 19 20 21 immediately-related individuals.
That's right, they've got 17 18 19 children. We can only assume that the trend of one new child per year will continue until Michelle's ova finally run out.
Before Children[edit | edit source]
Attracted by the rumors of dominant men at the church, Michelle made the mistake of yawning and stretching while not paying attention during a revival service, just as they were calling for people to raise their hands to accept Jesus. What she didn't know was that the church sent missionaries around to follow up on the "conversion".
Jim Bob Duggar was one of these missionaries, and she quickly found him more interesting than his message. She attended numerous church services with him, and quickly became brainwashed into the fold. Soon, becoming a submissive wife appealed more and more to her, and money mattered less and less. But since he too had come to be interested in her, the only thing to do was to get married, money or not. So the two were married in a glorious $10 Vegas ceremony before all the gamblers and prostitutes that were sober enough to stand up unassisted.
For awhile, Michelle was content with teaching Sunday school rather than having children, but in time, she found herself envious of the other women at church, showing off their cute baby pictures and talking constantly about their oh-so-adorable bundles of joy at church potlucks. So she deviously went off her birth control pills.
Turning to God[edit | edit source]
Following the pregnancy with Jim Bob and Michelle's first child, the two attempted to resume using contraceptives. Alas, they learned that using birth control pills shortly after conceiving led to a miscarriage. Under their new Christian identity, this was unacceptable, and so the two turned to God as a birth control method.
God was not pleased. It wasn't as if there were world crises that needed His divine attention, oh no--instead, some idiot couple from Arkansas just had to keep asking Him for guidance after they failed to follow the instructions that came with the birth control pills.
And so God cursed the two (and Michelle in particular): The two would become a real-life version of Full House, complete with an ever-increasing number of annoying, needy, hyperactive children and fashion that would never escape the early 1990s.
Needless to say, the two were thrilled.
The Compound[edit | edit source]
The Duggars began to plan out their coming life. They knew that forsaking birth control while maintaining an extremely healthy sex life would give them all the children they ever desired, and probably a lot more than that; therefore, they would require a custom-made domicile in order to house their growing brood.
Believing themselves the "Adam" and "Eve" of the world, the two are determined to kill off all other bloodlines by amassing their own swarm of imps. Jim Bob began his journey to the center of Michelle's ovum, and away they went.
They settled for a project that would eventually culminate in 7000 square feet of space, with three massive bedrooms, multiple baths, a massive yard, and a kitchen equipped like a cafeteria (complete with soft drink dispensors, large deep fryers, and a pizza oven); additionally, a birthing center was installed just outside of the master bedroom. It was designed with the ability to easily expand in order to accommodate any future additions to the family.
A large series of tunnels, dungeons, and graves has been rumored to run underneath the compound, based largely upon the sudden disappearance and re-introduction of several of the younger members of the family, who often sport completely new appearances upon resurfacing in the public. Loud screams have often been heard at late hours of the night in conjunction with such strange "vacations," although Jim Bob and Michelle have denied all of it.
Jim Bob and Michelle decided all by themselves (pissing God off even more) to name all their spawn with "J-names," most of which are plagiarized from The Bible. They have not hit Jesus yet, but the general public agrees that this will most definitely bring the Gee-man's wrath upon them.
Meet the Kids[edit | edit source]
Below is a list of all children currently recognized by the Duggar family. It is organized by age, from oldest to youngest, and contains a neat little fact on each child.
| Names | Useful notes | |
|---|---|---|
| 0 | The "miscarriage" | Preparing to unleash its horrible vengeance upon its parents |
| 1 | Joshua James | Oldest child, often blamed for being a "gateway drug" |
| 2 | Jana Marie | Part of the first set of twins, capable of combining with John-David to form Fraternitron |
| 3 | John-David | Part of the first set of twins, capable of combinig with Jana Marie to form Fraternitron |
| 4 | Jill Michelle | Kept chained in the attic due to hideous deformities |
| 5 | Jessa Lauren | Hot one of the family, ran away to become an exotic dancer in Las Vegas |
| 6 | Jinger Nicole | Has made numerous failed attempts to change her name's spelling to something less ridiculous |
| 7 | Joseph Garrett | Prototype for all subsequent male children in family |
| 8 | Josiah Matthew | Fosters unhealthy relationships with plants |
| 9 | Joy-Anna | Massive bitch |
| 10 | Jeremiah Robert | Other siblings are convinced he's a body-snatcher |
| 11 | Jedidiah Robert | Grows two heads whenever one is cut off |
| 12 | Jason Michael | Sprang forth from father Jim Bob's head full-grown and in a suit of armor |
| 13 | James Andrew | Likes rhinestone-studded accessories and shiny things |
| 14 | Justin Samuel | Mongoloid |
| 15 | Jackson Levi | Thoroughly enjoys denim trousers |
| 16 | Johannah Faith | Actually the spawn of the devil |
| 17 | Jennifer Danielle | Completely unremarkable except for having simply walked out of her mother's vagina |
| 18 | Jordyn-Grace Makiya | Destined to overthrow her father in a cataclysmic battle that will engulf the Earth |
| 19 | Josie Brooklyn | Hypochondriac whom is convinced that she was born prematurely, and had it in her head that she couldn't breathe on her own shortly after being born. |
| ??? | James Patterson | Jim Bob Duggar's estranged illigimate son with Ellen DeGeneres. Recognizes Stephen King as his father, not Jim Bob. |
Please note that all of them currently live at home except Joshua and Jessa. All of the males share a bedroom; likewise do the females. How each one finds time for themselves is a mystery, since the older children are off taking care of the younger children while their parents go and create yet more.
Joshua James[edit | edit source]
Joshua, the eldest surviving Duggar child, is an unsuccessful businessman who married a woman who can be described only as the full human form of a donkey's asshole. Spawning with her, he created Apis, and has wreaked havoc among those living between Fayetteville and Little Rock. Apis was the punishment bestowed upon Joshua after he molested Jinger, Jessa, Jedidiah, Michelle, Elmo, Santa, and Martha Stuart, whilst in their Occupy Reason camp. In November 2011, Joshua was found outside of Little Rock at a Furry Orgy, dressed as a Wise Man's Camel, having murdered the other two wise men's camels and a neon-pink anime-style muskrat, presumably while under the influence of myrrh. He is awaiting trial.
Did You Know?[edit | edit source]
- Michelle hasn't had her period since Joshua was born.
- Some rumors say that the Duggars are actually aliens from a distant planet without birth control.
- The Duggar family is an example of an R-selected species, much different from the typical K-selection of humans. R-selection entails producing numerous offspring in a short time period with very little parental care.
- Jinger is actually pronounced "Fruity"
- Jim Bob and Michelle don't actually want to have children; they just like to have sex.
- Both Jim Bob and Michelle disapprove of physical contact before marriage, and have the research data to prove it does nothing to foster any potential unhealthy behavior in such a relationship.
- Matching outfits never looked any worse.
- It is predicted that by the year 3000 the entire human race will be related to the Duggars.
- When Jim Bob was born, his mother came up with the name thinking "What name will give the worst possible first impression to potential employers?"
- Because of the fact that the more males a woman has, the more likely that one of them will turn out to be homosexual, at least one of the Duggar boys will probably be gay. Or is gay, and in the closet because of his parents' fundamentalist Christian values.