Teesside

Teesside is the largest crevice in the whole of the UK, and under a new local regeneration scheme operational in 2020 will be demolished, replaced with the Gates of Hades and renamed 'Let's-have-sex-upon-Tees', which is expected to cause an estimated £45 million's worth of improvements. It is the second capital of the county town of Britain, and the third capital of Europe. Teesside is situated in the river Tees, like a North-Eastern lost city of Atlantis, but nobody ever wants it to resurface. There are 43 inhabitants of Teesside, all are presumed dead or AWOL. The population split is 54% Tesco/other employees, 3% unemployed, 6% Malleable club presidents, 1.3% Transporter Bridge enthusiasts and -4% disorienatated Norwegian oil tanker drivers. Tragically; 67% of the less humorous contributions on this page originate from less fortunate UK citizens who have never had the pleasure of visiting Teesside-upon-A19. Teesside, as an area rather than a county, city or town does not have a democratically elected leader, but instead Teesside's official mascot is a large Herring. There are four Great Danes currently residing on Teesside, not in Teesside, they float enthusiastically above the pleasant locale.

History

Teesside (with two S's) was invented in 1904 by Steven Seagal after the county of Cleveland suffered a bereavement and had to resign. Cleveland covered an area between county Durham and North Yorkshire, so Teesside invariably does the same, with incredible success. The Belgian Grand Prix was to be staged in Teesside after Belgium closed for the day in 1612, however some other country got it instead. Certain areas are steeped in saxon heritage, with numerous historic churches and what not dating back to times that nobody can remember. Teesside is credited with making the bell for Big Ben in London, however it was damaged when it was being transported to London by the favoured local transport option, being stuck in traffic. John Walker once choked on a friction match and then decided he'd patent the idea, was also born in Teesside.

Local government divisions

After a reshuffle by Peggy Mitchell, (Local Government Officer) we say goodbye to Cleveland and hello to shiny new Fish'n'Chips Teesside. The proof is in the punch; one really can polish a turd (punches, backsmacks and bitchslaps are common denominators for Teesside's retard class). The distinct regions of Teesside may be massively, objectively interesting but are in fact vague and undistinguished but may include the following postcode districts (semi-alphanumerically);

• TS1-TS6 - Middlesbrough F.C
• TS7-TS9 - Could-be-Newham, Herring-ton, Gr8-8'un
• TS10-TS13 - Redcar/Bluecar & Cleveland, Masque, Salty-B
• TS14 - Gizburra
• TS15 - Yarm Refectory,
• TS16 - Bald-Eaglescliffe
• TS17 - Thornaby-on-Chips,
• TS18-TS19 - Stockton-Has-Fleas, Rosebushworth, Hard-as-Nailswick
• TS20 - Norton-upon-Pond,
• TS21 - Carton, Redmarshul
• TS22-TS23 - Billingham-on-Benefits,
• TS24-TS29 - Hart-le-poole, Losegate, Seeton Caroo

Tail End Fisheries, A premiere daytime eating establishment, located in the deffered-affluent area of Seeton Caroo. This establishment serves Teesside's favourite coastal food, battered shoe. No reported dysentry outbreaks since 2006

Sport

The region enjoys sporting pedigree dating back to 2008. Football and Murder are the two most popular sports, with Casual Acts of Racism coming in close third place. Violent, bloodthirsty and often fatal derby matches are played incessantly on the A19, between the major competing football teams; Middlesbrough L.F.C, Parmo United and Captain Cook Rovers. Half time entertainment at such derby matches is usually sexual assault.

Geography

Teesside has absolutely nothing of any geological, geographical or topographical interest. Whatsoever. Though it does have an extremely interesting mountain range, known locally as the 'Right Tall Cleveland Hills'. They are approximately 10ft high. The rest of Teesside is largely flat. A number of conurbations exist, they are also very uninteresting. As is the river Tees, which at most locations is a polluted stagnant mess.

Economy

Very few residents are in any sort of meaningful employment. Examples of local employers are Tesco, the dole office (formerly the Job Centre), Stockton Borough Council and Port Clarence Concentration Camp. Jobs are considered an inconvenience by many of Teesside's Jeremy Kyle class, who prefer to while away their days eating poor quality food and living in fetid bedsits on Norton Avenue.

Local Business

The Norton Tavern is widely acknowledged to be Great, Great Britain's, great great nephew and is Teesside's favourite pub since yesterday. The Norton Tavern is located in Norton-upon-Pond and is particularly notable as it contributes approximately 7% of all Teesside's (legal) exports. Staff are largely pseudo-friendly and are known to the patrons on first name terms, enjoying references such as 'Karen' and 'Michael'.

The Norton Tavern quiz is held every Monday evening, and is famously regarded as the best such quiz held in the Norton Tavern on a Monday evening. Due to its notoriety, is not uncommon for all 17.5 residents of Norton-upon-Pond to be present every week. Although it is advertised as a weekly event, one quiz commonly runs for up to 2 weeks and, on one occasion, lasted for 3 weeks and 4 days, due to a problem with the cassette player in the music round. There are, on average, 87 rounds in the quiz, with questions only being asked based on the years 1912-2008 BC.

The customer service representative for Norton-upon-Pond resides in the beer cellar of the Norton Tavern and is coincidentally also the public relations ombudsman. Stockton-has-Fleas' 'Blancmange Fanciers' Club meets every week at the Norton Tavern.

Emergency Services

Cleveland Police have one panda car, but it's currently in for servicing, as well as 412 unmarked Škoda Octavias. Cleveland Fire and Rescue have 171 fire tenders at their Norton Branch. The North East Ambulance service regularly carry old cadavers in the back of their vehicles to avoid any call-outs. The current government target of dispatching an ambulance 16 days after 999 was dialled (whatever service was requested) is surpassed in the North East, a corpse filled ambulance often arriving before an incident has even occurred.

Education

• Nullary Education - Much of Teesside's population complete Nullary Education, an example of an institution providing Nullary Education is Gregg's, The Baker.

• Primary Education - St Catastrophe's of Dormanstown is Teesside's most celebrated Primary Education provider, with lessons usually being delivered from behind a shatterproof screen.

• Secondary Education - Thornaby Chip Shop (TCS - Formerly Thornaby Community School) is a Public Education Facility of Excellence specialising in educating its pupils in knife-crime and advanced criminal damage. It is due to be superceded by the T-FUC (Teesside's Future Unemployment Centre). 'I' before 'E' except after Teesside; is an accepted rule of thumb.

• Tertiary Education - Tertiary is a synonym for Turtle, and coincidentally the level of education received at these establishments is turtley average.

• Quaternary and Quinary Education - The Teesside Education and Learning Consortium (TELC - Formerly Teesside University and Rehabilitation Centre) is Teesside's most prestigious higher education institution and educates all of Teesside's inhabitants, often without consent. The TELC is currently bidding for 'Education Shelter' status from some organisation. Confirmation of the Consortium's status will be announced tomorrow, or yesterday.

Language

The inhabitants of Teeside speak a language quite unlike English, Welsh or even Yarksher; very obscure, it is distantly related to Albanian. For example, the average Teessider considers themself to live not in Teesside, but Teesssssaaaaade (again, humorously written with the characteristic multiple S). Contrary to much popular belief and other national conjecture, the dialect is not similar to that of Geordies, Leodensians or even those from the exotic rural islands of Trimdon, Fishburn and Coxhoe. The regional accent is instead best appreciated when compared to that of a very sweaty, malodorous and generally belligerent Middlesbrough F.C foo

Trivia (and the pursuit of)

Teesside was named by Scandinavian settlers, and is a Nordic word meaning 'Never again'. The Vikings came here to rape and pillage in 2002, but when they got here they mistakenly thought someone had beaten them to it.

Teesside's ame features in such titles as;

• 'Teesside Leisure Park' (a collection of literally some shops, and where the two greatest british roads meet. The A19 and the A66)
• TELC (formerly the University of Teesside) was, on April 1st named university of the year. Admissions policy recently relaxed. A mirror is given to all admissions officers at Teesside University. Applicants are obliged to breathe on the mirror - if it steams up they are admitted. This had to be further relaxed when applicants were unable to breathe on cue, due to a popular local sport known fondly as 'Asphyxiation'
• 'Teesside Autodrome' Where some kind of event occasionally happens
• 'Teesside Airport', although was recently re-named The Teesside Landing Strip, a concept which many of the local women adhere to when performing maintenance tasks on their lower regions.
• Teesside is commonly mispelt by those living outside of the area, and erroneous spelling permutations include "Teeside, Tesside, Teside, Tooside, Tyneside and Seaton Carew. All are close but incorrect. Teesside village council have published a series of educational videos for tourists on how to spell Teesside. T-side is now widely accepted as the correct spelling, as the majority of the locals do not have access to a professional speller.

Teesside is an anagram of; 'Edis Etes' which doesn't mean anything in French, as well as being an almost anagram of 'Dis Settee'