Sea pig

Hah! Fuck off of my ship!

The sea pig is a very strange animal that esssentially was a jellyfish which smoked too much, so it became a walking gelatinous cylinder full of nicotine. It does not want to be disturbed. It it does get disturbed, you might die. It earned the name ''sea pig'', because it behaves like a pig. It is the only known creature to evolve backwards, sideways, and emotionally. Its body resembles a wet beanbag chair filled with expired vape cartridges. Scientists once tried to classify it, but the sea pig classified them instead. It does not want to be disturbed. If it does get disturbed, you might die, or worse—become a sea pig intern. Its natural scent is described as “ocean regret with hints of tobacco.” The sea pig is known to hold grudges for centuries, especially against beach balls. It has no bones, no morals, and no concept of personal space. Its eyes—if you can call those moist craters “eyes”—can see into your browser history. It moves by undulating in a way that makes dolphins uncomfortable. Some believe it’s the reincarnation of Poseidon’s ashtray. Others believe it’s just a jellyfish going through a rebellious phase. It once tried to join a school of fish but was expelled for vaping in class. The sea pig is banned from most aquariums due to its tendency to unionize the lobsters. It communicates through burps, passive-aggressive bubbles, and interpretive flopping. Its mating call sounds suspiciously like a kazoo being played underwater by someone who’s crying. Despite its gelatinous appearance, it is surprisingly judgmental. It has no known predators, except for existential dread and the occasional rogue blender. The sea pig is believed to be immortal, but only out of spite. It once ran for president of the Mariana Trench and lost to a sentient puddle. Its hobbies include staring into the abyss and making the abyss uncomfortable. It has a strong dislike for dolphins, mostly because they’re “too cheerful.” The sea pig is technically edible, but only if you hate yourself.

How to kill this thing

You cannot. It is more powerful than frogs, sharks, and your crippling self-doubt combined. The only known method of defeating a sea pig involves:

• Luring it into a karaoke bar.
• Tricking it into singing "My Heart Will Go On."
• Shooting its ass with a 9mm bullet while it hits the high note.

Habitat

Sea pigs live in the deepest parts of the ocean, where light, logic, and common sense cannot reach. They prefer areas with high concentrations of discarded vape pens and broken dreams. Occasionally, they surface to yell at cruise ships and steal noodles.

Fun facts

Sea pigs were briefly worshipped by a cult of underwater accountants. They once ran for mayor of Atlantis but lost to a sentient mop. Now they live at the Bermuda Triangle. Their natural predator is the land cow, which doesn’t exist but still terrifies them.

The crunch

They occasionally eat plastic, which is crunchy. Because they eat eat plastic, they too, are very crunchy. Since they eat the plastic, it gives a crunch. After they give a crunch, the crunch then calms down. If they don't chew (= don't crunch) on the plastic, they will, and always be, crunchy.