Sea Force One
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Sea Force One is the name taken by the Presidential boats. It was commissioned by the U.S. Navy in 1789 for the President's personal use in battle (the first Sea Force One was an extravagantly decorated military frigate) and transportation. Sea Force One gained notoriety when it was captured by time-terrorists from the future who wanted America to lose to the Russia during the Cold War.
Commission[edit | edit source]
The idea was first thrown around by our great nation's first President, Harrison Ford I, who wanted his own private boat with which he could get drunk and party on, and have transportation so he could attack go on diplomatic missions. Swiftly, the Navy constructed a ship that would rival the Millennium Falcon, as back then, the Party's will was law. All were happy and only thought goodthinks.
The 1791 Hostage Crisis[edit | edit source]
The hostage crisis began in 2016, when future president Bob Dole received a hostage note saying that if he didn't use the CIA time machines to go back in time and tell FDR to stop negotiations for the NATO the terrorists would then go back in time and kill Harrison Ford I and his entire cabinet.
Dole is quoted as having said:
“Bob Dole!!!”
Unfortunately, as everyone knows, Bob Dole is incapable of saying anything other than his name, and was unable to tell anyone of the impending crisis. This is said to be among the bigger flaws of his administration.
Thusly, the terrorists went back in time and took the President, his family, and friends while they were on a booze cruise fishing trip in Latvia. The hostages were rounded up on the poop deck, while Secret Service agents escorted the President to his escape submarine. The President, being a fiery individual with over seven Medals of Honor, deployed the vehicle while he wasn't in it, and hid in the gangplank. Scholars maintain that Ford sat waiting for about 15 minutes until the other important plot elements (like the Vice President Glenn Close side story) were dealt with accordingly. Ford left the gangplank and saw a single guard in front of the room the hostages were in. In the corner of his eye, he noticed time-traveling socialite Paris Hilton's lifeless body on the floor. Ignoring the horrible tragedy of her death, Ford picked her up and used her carcass as a human shield against the guard's bullets and then proceeded to slit the guards throat. Silently, Ford is said to have spent no time whatsoever mourning Hilton's death, because nobody cares.
After freeing the hostages and arming himself with the dead terrorist's machine gun, President Ford and Admiral Han Solo headed up the ship, where an important cut-scene between Ford and the terrorist's leader, Clairvoyant Grasshopper occurred. Solo decided to take care of the remaining terrorists if Snake Ford would go after Clairvoyant Grasshopper. Snake Ford then saw a "!" in his peripherals, and immediately deployed his cardboard box. Confused by the cardboard box, the terrorist went up to it, and President Ford jumped out and shot him. pwned.
After another cutscene involving the Vice President and the President of Russia, Ford decided it was time for a face off with Clairvoyent Grasshopper. Grasshopper noted that President Ford was an alcoholic, that he "enjoyed Castlevania games" and probably had been intimate with Benjamin Franklin in the last month. Immediately afterward, he lost vision and could only see the word HIDEO in giant green letters- an obvious reference to Hideo Kojima, the famous Communist Revolutionary. President Ford then proceeded to unplug his controller and put it into a different port. (because he bought the strategy guide)
Repercussions Of the Sea Force One Crisis[edit | edit source]
- Paris Hilton was never seen again. (thank you Jesii!)
- President Bob Dole was impeached, after Vice President John Hoynes discovered the terrorist's letter, written in wingdings. (Dole's native tongue is Wingdingish)
- Due to the possibility of alternate timelines manufactured by Et al's invention, the time machine, conspiracy theorists believe that President Ford may have been killed.
- Theorists of the so-called Butterfly Effect believe that Ford's use of Paris Hilton's dead body as a shield may have caused a chain events that ultimately summoned the Galactic Emperor Xenu to earth in the Last Coming of L. Ron Hubbard, but others debate that abusing Paris Hilton's body is actually less significant than a butterfly flapping its wings, thus putting it below the threshold for Butterfly Effectuation.
- Many Communists accuse the terrorists of having morally corrupted what was previously a peaceful and pure effort to achieve equality.
Fun Facts About Sea Force One[edit | edit source]
- There have been 37 different Presidential boats in the last 250 years.
- The 18th Sea Force One was used as Jefferson Davis' personal ironclad until the Merrimack wtfpwned it.
- Former Vice President Dick Cheney is said to have used Time Travel to go back in time to the Sea Force One Crisis to recover Paris Hilton's cadaver so he could initiate Xenu's summoning- others speculate he used it for his own purposes.
- A spin-off of the crisis, Air Force One, was made into a movie in 1997 with President Ford's Great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson as the leading role. Ironically Harrison Ford VII use time-travel to become 26th President of Amerika
- It was during the hostage crisis Han Solo uttered his famous quote:
“Bringeth them upon, for 'tis better and nobler an honest and prithy fight than such stealth-action genre superfluity”