Penis Size Mathematics
“Why wood u want to reeds abawt peenisiz, u n00b!?!?!?! U AM TEH QUEEREST!!!!!1”
Ever since the spawn of The Internet, a large percentage of greasy, awkward males and hermaphrogreasy, femawkward she-males have argued over the sizes of their penises being larger than that of an average person. Because of the barbaric, flame war (See picture) based natures of most internet users, non-mathematical speeches about the sizes of ones own penis would be considered completely irrelevant and extremely gay. For years, this was a big problem, but in early July of 2008, the internet found its solution.
The Erection of a Theorum[edit | edit source]
While masturbating heavily, a previously unknown mathematition by the name of Michael Raymondson discovered that when compared to the world, his penis could be special. Raymonson was indulging in an old sex tape he had found that was entitled, "The Brady Bunch Beach Blowout II." It involved four actors and four actresses pretending to be the main characters from The Brady Bunch, preforming a variety of sexual actions with an incest based storyline. On July 2nd, Michael noticed that the main characters of The Brady Bunch were composed of four males and four females, a complete balance of genders. Being a regular internet user, he was able to use this information to form a mathematical theorum of epic proportions.
Raymondson's Theorum[edit | edit source]
Michael Raymondson's Theorum of Penis Comparison, or Raymondson's Theorum for short, states that if women have no penises (0.00 penises) and men have one penis (1.00 penis), then an average person must have half a penis (0.50 penis). With all men having 1.00 penis, Raymondson proved that with 1.00 being twice as much as 0.50, he and all other males have a penis twice the size of the average penis. Many internet fanboys believe that Raymondson deserves a Nobel Prize, but the Nobel Prize commitee refused awarding him with this honor because, "They really didn't give two shits about some nerd's dick."
Hermaphrodite Exception[edit | edit source]
Raymondson's Theorum does not apply to Hermaphrodites, commonly known as she-males. This is due to Hermaphrodites having no souls and being totally gross. The average she-male has been estimated to have about three fourths of a penis (0.75 penis). With the average penis length being one half of a penis (0.50 penis), as previously stated, if they were to be included in the theorum, Hermaphrodites would be considered to have one and one half the average penis.
Results[edit | edit source]
Michael's controversial theorum brought shock and surprise to regular forum posters. Many internet users gave different responses when reading this theorum. Responses tended to be varied.
Positive Out-cum[edit | edit source]
Many readers of the theorum where amazed at the thought that their penises could be considered larger than average. These people were mostly the youngest and most "n00bish" people on forums who were often picked on their "Win at Warcraft, Fail at Life," peers. They are often called, "noobs" (or n00bs), "losers," "P-H-A-I-L-S," and "Fuck-tards."
Negative Out-cum[edit | edit source]
Among the joy brought to some, Raymondson's Theorum brought anger to others. This was often the greasier, bully-like, nerdy (see picture), elders of the forums, who had a lot of time on their hands that they spend on LARP, blogs, and cosplay. They were the "Win at Warcraft, Fail at Life," kinds of internet users, as mentioned previously, and they can also be known as, "The Wise-Asses." These forum posters brought light to the fact that, "Females shouldn't be part of the average because they have no dangle to contribute," and that "it wouldn't actually make your dick special, YOU FAG!" These responses were usually ignored because they were written by those who had no lives anyway.
Interview With Raymondson[edit | edit source]
Besides those who had opinions on the Theorum, a small minority only had further questions arise for them. A few of these questions were answered by Michael Raymondson himself. They were asked by an anonymous person who contacted Michael by means of AOL Instant Messager. The questions and answers are as follows:
- Q: "If I have twice the size of the average dick, does that mean I have twice the amount of balls than the average person?"
- A: "Well, yes. That is quite true. I'm sure you must be smarter than the average bear, as well!"
- Q: "Women have zero penises by your standards, but shouldn't a Vagina, being a concave sex organ count as a negative penis (-1.00 penis)?"
- A: "Vaginas are NOT penises, good sir. If they were, the average penis size would be 0.00. This would mean that my penis would be infinity times that of an average penis, and THAT sir, would cause a paradox."
- Q: "Did what you just said make ANY sense at all?"
- A: "Hey-Hey-Hey!"
- Q: "Why would you come up with something like this theorum? What kind of person are you?!"
- A: "I'm just a man with a dream..."
Raymondson's answers mostly sparked fits of rage among internet geeks. To others, they just raised more confusion.
Closing[edit | edit source]
Raymondson's Theorum didn't significantly push the wheel of society further up future hill, but it did in fact give nerds slightly less to argue about. If you are ever to see Michael Raymondson, make sure NOT to tell him anything about his ideas being stupid. He would probably just deny it anyway.