User:Nickwalnut/Paedometer
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“I'm getting some strange readings here...”
Paedometers are small devices which can be attached to an arm- or wrist-band and which take and display readings on the level of "paedo" emanating from a source. They are widely used by online undercover federal police and school children on public transport.
History[edit | edit source]
Paedometers were first invented by the Catholic Church in 1897 amid concerns of an ever-increasing paedophilic existance amongst priests. The head of the church at the time, Pope Eggs Benedict IV, was put under pressure by the public after a catholic priest was found to have more than just plutonic love for the altar boys at his chapel, most of wholm ended up in psychiatric wards trying to supress their horrific experiences while at the same time reliving them in court proceedings. Hence, the paedometer was born, and both the Pope and the public saw that it was good.
After its initial emergence into society, paedophilia as a result died down, and so demand and interest in the device fell. Years later, after the conception of the Internet, paedophilia saw its chance and rose again, utilising the anonimity and proxy sites the web provided in order to stay hidden.
The device is now a household appliance, being sold amongst the toasters and dishwashers at KMart.
How it Works[edit | edit source]
A paedometer is essentially a geiger counter, calibrated to detect the various "paedoactive" rays and particles emmitted by paedophiles and any related material. Dr Isuck Newton first discovered paedoactivity in 1601, when he accidentally left a petri dish full of liquified innocence on his work bench. To his surprise, the innocence simply vaporised completely and was replaced with a foul-smelling cream-coloured substance (the patent to which was later bought by Nestle and marketed off as "Carnation Light and Creamy"), which prompted further investigation. After much internal mass debation, he realised that previous to the vaporisation of the innocence he was having his "special time" with his lab assistant Jimmy, which led him to the discovery of "paedorays".
Further research by paedo-enthusiasts including Ptolemy of Alexandria and the Ronald McDonald Foundation for Sick Kids Who Can't Defend Themselves or Scream deduced that the amount of paedorays being emmitted by a source was directly proportional to the "paedolevel" of the source (The range of which has been increased exponentially and is now capped at 80 since the introduction of Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games, which encourage role playing and the sort). They also found that paedorays could be blocked by certain materials, namely internet proxys and IP-concealing tools, the market for which has been booming ever since.
Accuracy[edit | edit source]
While reliance on paedometers is not 100%, they do prove to be quite accurate in determine sources of paedo. As with most devices, proximity to the source results in more accurate readings, though some sources have been so densely amassed that faint traces can be detected anywhere on the Earth. The headquaters of NAMBLA, San Fransisco is widely regarded as the 'North Pole' of the paedometer.
In regards to reliability, new developments in the paedoactive gasses used in the main sensor of paedometers has improved reading validity overall. There have not been many 'false positives' as such, though a seemingly recurrent problem occurs when a paedometer is aimed towards the Senate, a bug which no manufacturer has seemed to have fixed yet. Overall, most paedometers display similar accuracy to each other, though most argue that PaedosenseTM and General Paedoatrical(R) brand paedometers are of higher quality than cheaper brands, such as Walmart's "Paedo's Choice".
Advent in Society[edit | edit source]
Paedometers are now regarded as a necessity for people living in any Western nation, as indicated by their inclusion in the basket of goods used to calculate the Consumer Price Index each year. In a recent survey conducted, 76% of people stated that they would not leave their homes without one, while 12% of people said that they slept with a paedometer under their pillow at night (the other 12% expressed their feelings on where the surveyor could shove their paedometer). These statistics support the argument that the need for paedometers has matched the prevalence of paedophiles in the early 21st century, as has their influence in pop culture.
Paedometers have been seen in almost every television show and movie created since 2002, and are a recurring prop in the hit shows PSI and To Catch a Paedoter. Nowadays, paedometers can be seen to be a theme in many songs and films, such as:
Songs[edit | edit source]
- Michael Jackson - Leave Me Alone
- Michael Jackson - Don't Stop 'till You Get Enough
- Michael Jackson - Beat It
- Michael Jackson - Smooth Criminal
- Michael Jackson - Somebody's Watching Me
- Michael Jackson - In The Closet
Films[edit | edit source]
- Babe
- Batman and Robin
- The Dentist
- Dick Tracy
- Dr. Dolittle
- Free Willy
- Honey, I Sold The Kid
- Indecent Proposal
- My Summer Story
- Pinnochio
- Richie Rich's Christmas Wish
- A Troll In Central Park
Future Developments[edit | edit source]
The continued popularity of the paedometer, as well as the lack of moderation on 4chan, has essentially ensured the continued profitability of the paedometer. As such, many new developments in paedometer technology have been announced by the major manufacturers for the future.
The inclusion of an in-built paedometer in the next-gen Nokia N97 phone has been promised, as well as the integration of paedometrics in Internet Explorer 8. "A paedometer for every home" has been promised by the government for inclusion in the stimulus package, contributing to the "Paedophelic Revolution" that they are planning on waging. LG has announced the world's first "paedo-watch", which can be worn on the wrist and is capable of both detecting and obliterating any sources of paedo in the vicinity of the wearer with its in-built laser-guided optically-tracked projectile system.
The United States government is currently funding research into the development of six satellite-based paedometers, capable of tracking paedosources from geostationary orbit and allowing them to be seen on a SatNav. Google has recently released a software update for its 'maps' utility, allowing users to track the movements of any paedophiles detected by the sensor attached to its 'Paedo-Car'.