Greek language

“You can stop messing with me now. Seriously. This isn't funny.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Greek

“It's greek to me.”

~ Englishman on Chinese

“It's also all greek to me!”

~ Captain Obvious on Greek

“Ειναι κινεζικα!”

~ Greekman on Chinese

Famous people who spoke the Greek language:

• Aristagoras
• Aristandros
• Aristokles
• Aristoteles

Greek, a preface

In Greek, Greek is spelled ελληνικα and in capital words ΕΛΛΗΝΙΚΑ, something that has always confused us non-Grecians. Greeks decided to completely misspell the name of their language, so they could piss the Romans off. If the Roman invaders ever learned the language of Hellenia, then all the pixies would come and kill the Greeks. So, the Greeks, with this method, confused the Romans, until the Romans conducted a siege of Greece.

It has been suggested by modern scholars, mainly people, that, in fact, no one actually speaks Classical Greek. Experts agree, no one could possibly make up something this stupid and not implode from sheer idiocy midway through conceiving such an unintelligible, broken dialect. Instead, the Greek Language was designed, as are most things of Greek origin, to irritate and confuse American Tourists. This has freed the Greeks from having to provide directions to the British Museum, as well as answer questions such as:

"How do I pronounce the word Gyro?"

"Why do you all shave your chests?"

"That's not really a language, is it?"

The Alphabet

The word alphabet is a Greek word. Alphabet = Αλφαβητον.(But it's greek to me!)

Their modernistic alphabet goes, sung in tune with twinkle twinkle little star (for it is the most popular pop song in most post-apocalyptic Greece):

Ελληνικα Λεττερ (English Equivalent)

Αλφα (Alpha Centauri)

Βητα (Beta Rays)

Γαμα (Ray's Gamma)

Δελτα (Delta of the Nile)

Εψιλον (Epsilon like a dead person, Εψιλον Literally means: 'Plain E')

Ζητα (most commonly found as Ζηνα)

Ητα (Kheta - argh, river in Krasnoyarsk Krai, Russia)

Θητα (Θ is pronounced θ, it fits nicely)

Iωτα (Yoghurt-a)

Kαπα (When Kappa met Καππα)

Λαμδα (Lamb's Baaaa)

Mι (The 1st of the three triplets: Me)

Νι (The 2nd of the three triplets: Knee)

Ξι (The 3rd of the three triplets: Xee)

Oμικρον (Oμικρον Literally means: 'Small O', somebody ever found it in microscope?)

Πι (Pronounced 'pie' or 'pee' or '3.14')

Ρο (--Ro--wling Pin)

Σιγμα (Also a TV station)

Tαφ (Also a cow with testicles)

Υψιλον (Oopsiedaisies! Υψιλον Literally means: 'Plain U')

Φι (Feeeeeee...)

Xι (Hee-hee-hee)

Ψι (Psi-beams from my brain)

Ωμεγα (Ωμεγα Literally means: 'Big O')

Greek spelling

English spelling sucks, because according to linguists one letter can have about 7,000 different sounds. Greek spelling, however, sucks, because they stick one sound with multiple letters.

• The sound "ee" can be made the following ways: ι, υ, η, ει, οι, υι, ιι, υυ, ηη, ειι, εοι, οει, υει, υειι, ιιιιιιι, οιοιοιοιοιοιοιοιοιοιοιοιοιοι, υοιυοιυοιυοιυοιυοιυοιυιουιυουιοι and so on, just like OI boneheads.

Geek Greek

Many people think that Greek is the language of Geeks. Well done to everyone who said that! The people of ancient Geece did, in fact, speak Greek, although they laced the language with references to obscure memes, such as base ownership, the human-robot-stairs relationship, and missing steps involved in profiting from a given plan.

to CheckGeek
 if (TypeHumanYou = Geek ; display dialog "You can understand this" buttons "OK" ; quit )
 if (PossibleUnderstandThis = Yes ; Make $howInfo 1 ; quit )
 if ($howInfo = 1 ; ShowInfo ; quit )
end

to ShowInfo
 print [Greek is a language used by Geeks. This is an example of Greek.]
 continue1
end

This is an example of Greek.

to continue1
 print [$omething]
end

Neo-Greek

The Neo-Greek language is a cross between crap and death. Most linguists are still debating this. Some say that crap = death so perhaps a cross between crap and death would be crap times death or crap squared or crap X death so something that is perpendicular to both ideas. As I said, it's undecided.

Neo-Greek is spoken by people who are stuck in the late nineties, and pretend they have very large testicles. The fact of the matter is, they don't! Many Neo-Greek speakers have stopped talking Neo-Greek because they have realized that they have no testicles. Or brains.

The Neo-Greek people who inhabits the big universities are often forms clubs with Greek alphabets. These people are also called 'Geeks'. Stay away from them!

The Neo-Greek alphabet goes:

АВГДЕӠИѲІКЛМНѮОПРСТУФХѰѠ.

авгдеӡиѳіклмнѯопрстуфхѱѡ.

Ασε μας μωρε! Κυριλλικο!

Γρηκλις (Greeklish[from English])

Greeklish is a language of teenagers who got bored changing the automatic language in their computer and started writing in greek with english characters. Greeklish started to change (like a mutant) and became a shitty-language whick you can't understand unless you are an expert (or a greek n00b). They have made their words shorter because their also bored writing. For example:

• mlk-->means "μαλακας" (jerk,stupid,jackass,asshole,etc)
• brm-->means "βαριεμαι" (I'm bored)
• gtp-->means "για τον πουτσο" (for the dick,commonly used to express something useless)
• tpt-->means "τιποτα" (nothing)

and many more...

During 2007-2008, Greek teenage GIRLS invented a new type of greeklish, which is more like greek, because not only it's dammit difficult to write, but you also can't understand it if you aren't Greek. And 14 years old. And gay. Or a girl. Or just lesbian.

A fine example of this type of writing, is the very commonly used "p@p@w c, a2p m, x0ax0ax0a", which stands for "Σε αγαπαω (p@p@w c -> c papaw -> se agapaw -> se agapao) αγαπη μου (a2p m -> azp m -> agp m -> agaph mou -> agapi mou), χαχαχα (nobody ever found out why the hell they put a 0 between h and a to form hahaha)", which means "I love you my love, hahaha".

Relationship with the Russian and Arabic languages

Contrary to popular belief, Greek actually has origins from Russian and Arabic; the Greeks however, claim the opposite, stating that "Russians were ACTUALLY Greek!", before breaking off and creating their own language out of being purely pissed off and influenced by the strong beautiful sounds of Arabic.

See also

• Ʃ

Useful Greek phrases