Lake Zurich, Illinois
“I came, I saw, I ate, I left. As fast as I could.”
“There was this town... and there was nothing.”
“What's with all the fucking Mexicans?”
Lake Zurich is a quaint and rather boring town up North in the Midwestern moral wasteland of Illinois. It is known as one of the best places in the United States to raise a family, which is somewhat true up until the kids hit puberty and want to have sex and get into trouble with the law profusely. In 2006, some asshole called Frommer listed it as one of the top hundred "Best Places to Raise Your Family" and it was also called one of the "Top Twenty-five Affordable Places to Live in the Country" by the U.S. News because it's really really cheap and probably why the town suffers from Falling Apart Syndrome.
History[edit | edit source]
Lake Zurich was founded by some European assholes, mostly Dutch (Hence the "Zurich" that's pronounced like "Zuhr-ICK") who thought it would be funny if they settled in a place toward Canada out just enough miles away from Chicago(The only good place in Illinois) to drive a person nuts and has one month of a nice summer and 11 months of snowy tundra-esque weather with rain every other day when it's not snowing during the Spring. They also thought it would be hilarious to raise families centered around a lake that's filled with Uranium and goose shit.
In the 1920's a change was made and some of those old cars were added to give the town some flava. However, the townsfolk themselves had no flavor whatsoever and decided to keep the town as bland as possible so kids wouldn't be influenced by anything over the years. This went up through today in 2010 and boy did it fail. These kids over generations have grown into the biggest assholes or depressed individuals in the whole of Illinois. All of the pain is rumored to be caused by the town's satanic curse put upon by Native Americans when the Europeans settled there that was made so every person living in the town would be miserable to the point where they either move or die alone or protest things because they have no lives.
What to Do in Lake Zurich[edit | edit source]
People who live there often ask the question: "What is there to do here?"
Well, frankly, there isn't much. In fact, there's really nothing to do here at all once you're able to do anything on your own and you're under 21. Imagine going to a town where there is a lake in the middle of it which just makes driving take longer, with everything around it and that everything just happens to be nothing, and you pretty much have Lake Zurich. There's a fucking movie theater, a fucking bowling alley, and perhaps an Oberweis to drink milk shakes at with those little chocolate straw things in them to occupy your time while thinking about what you could be doing anywhere else in the country. There's not one thing to do other than eat at random run-down restaurants or go bowling and see some movie at the horrible haunted movie theater where the sound and screens get all screwed up.
You might be thinking, "Oh, there's gotta be more to do than that there." Why you'd be questioning this, I don't know, but you'd be wrong. There's a tennis court at the high school, true, but it's all full of holes and shit and little cracks with cement everywhere. And who plays tennis anyway? Or you can go to the beach and step on the goose shit that I mentioned earlier, or even better yet, you can swim in it.
The teenagers wind up losing their minds and get stoned in their friends' basements while their parents actually go out of the town to do fun things like drink and party. Maybe the geeks stay home and masturbate compulsively to pornographic bootlegs and cry about the boredom they suffer in the town.
You could always go down to Main Street and see all of the beautiful "Out of Business" and "For Lease" signs all over the windows or maybe take some art class to hide the fact that you have no life there. Come to think of it, there is that new Shaved Ice place, "My Flavor It Place", where you could eat your sorrows in sugary goodness before you become ridiculously hopeless. You could also read a book at the Library and cry some more once you realize that once you're done with the book your life will be meaningless and empty.
The mayor commented on this, saying "People seem to want to do things here, but I don't know why. I mean, the reason people live here is to do nothing. At least, that's what I do and I'm happy... I think."
Starting in September of 2009, there was a new Sonic that just opened up in town if you needed some place new and totally unoriginal to eat, where townspeople are so excited and willingly wait for an hour because the waiters wear roller skates and, guess what? You eat IN your CAR! That's right, you get to fucking eat in your car while being served decent-but-not-the-best burgers and fries by fucking roller skate-wearing Nazis! And that seems to be the most exciting thing to do there at the moment! That should keep you occupied for all of five to ten minutes while you enjoy the simple novelty of being served IN YOUR CAR by people wearing friggin' ROLLER SKATES! If that's not reason enough to go to Lake Zurich, then I don't know what is. Not to mention you get to enjoy it for only THREE AWESOME MONTHS because the owners thought it would be brilliant, just fucking BRILLIANT, to open the place up in the beginning of fall when the weather begins to get cool and people don't wear roller skates anymore. So enjoy the sweet and totally not stupid novelty while it lasts until next summer when nobody will probably give a fuck. Did I mention there were roller skates?
And now, it's gone and nobody gives a fuck. I friggin' called it. It's a goddamn DAIRY QUEEN now. We already had a dairy queen, and nobody cared about it. But now, we have a dairy queen AT THE PIECE OF REAL ESTATE WHERE THERE USED TO BE A SONIC! Our mediocre ice cream joint got replaced by an older, equally mediocre ice cream joint. That's some real genius right there! If it were possible for Lake Zurich to get an iota more boring, this would have done it.
The People in Lake Zurich[edit | edit source]
The people in Lake Zurich can be divided into three categories: 24/7 Assholes, Plain Old Assholes, and Depressed Megalomaniacs. Those are the only people you're bound to meet there.
24/7 Assholes[edit | edit source]
These people tend to be jerks no matter what you say or do. You could be as kind as can be to them, and they still look at you as though you are lesser than human and deserve to be butchered like a calf.
A typical conversation with one of these would go something like this:
Average Person: Hi there.
24/7 Asshole: What's so "hi" about it?
Average Person: What?
24/7 Asshole: (Awkward annoyed stare) Go away. (They walk away)
Another may go like this:
Average Person: Hi. Would you like some help carrying that?
24/7 Asshole: Would you like a rake up your ass?
Average Person: I was just trying to be friendly, sir.
24/7 Asshole: Well, you can take your "friendly" and break it off in your ass.
(Average person walks away)
These people are usually the ancient old people who never got to leave the town when they got the chance to and now they're stuck there in a loop without exits caused by a hole in the space-time continuum that originated in the town in the 1920's. The winter is when you're most likely to encounter these sacks of human hatred.
Plain Old Assholes[edit | edit source]
These people are basically exactly like the 24/7 Assholes, except they are friendly to you if you know them personally. Sadly, these people only talk to you if they know you already, which makes it hard for the average person to understand how they became friends with anyone in the first place. They dislike anyone who even attempts to be friendly even if you appear cool. They see you as uncool no matter what and can be considered confusing individuals.
A typical conversation with these people would be more like this:
Average Person: Hi there.
Plain Old Asshole: Hi. Do I know you?
(Awkward silence)
Average Person: No?
Plain Old Asshole: (pause) Then I don't like you. Go away. (They walk away)
These people tend to be more friendly during the Summer when they're away from the town and near a warm beach. They're usually the biggest assholes you'll encounter and they spawn from lengthy exposure to Lake Zurich's lack of anything interesting and overcast weather. They can be changed, however, unlike the old 24/7 Assholes. Teenagers are the predominant members of this group along with adults in their mid-late twenties or thirties.
These people also tend to be the ones that protest things all day out of their asshole-ish boredom and lack of a real hobby. They protest things such as trains and apartment complexes being totally melodramatic and holding signs like "This isn't Miami beach!" In reality, almost everyone there but these people would kill to be in Miami.
Some of the older ones in this group happen to be the fucktards who want to keep the town as the way it is, with nothing to do at all. They want to keep the town a shit hole as deep down in the shitter as possible so no one will want to live there, ever. Propose an arcade with a non-alcoholic bar for the teens to hang out at? They knock it down. Want to perhaps add a concert hall/amphitheater for concerts or anything remotely fun? No, sir! Assholes...
Depressed Megalomaniacs[edit | edit source]
These unfortunate individuals want nothing more than to escape Lake Zurich and become famous and rich, which is not likely to happen quickly if you live in there. These are the teenagers who dream and have delusions of writing great books or making great movies or perhaps just prostituting themselves to get into Hollywood or just to a beach or somewhere that does not even remotely resemble Lake Zurich.
These people are usually friendly unlike everyone else in the town. However, they can be really depressing and make you hate Lake Zurich more when they talk about how much their lives are unfulfilled in it.
A typical conversation will go like this:
Average Person: How's it going?
Depressed Megalomaniac: Well, this book I'm writing just went under. That's how it's going. Down. (sobs)
Average Person: Um... Sorry to hear that.
Depressed Megalomaniac: This town is a prison! Get me out! (sobs some more)
Average Person: Wow. Had no idea it was so bad.
Depressed Megalomaniac: I got no dream, man! I'm all dead inside! (smiles and starts laughing hysterically)
(Average person walks away scared)
Depressed megalomaniacs will often commit suicide or at least try to and make up 35% of the emo cliques in schools in the town. These people are also often the ones who wind up having better lives if they ever get the fuck out. If not, they usually become either 24/7 Assholes or Plain Old Assholes.
Other Types of People[edit | edit source]
Mexicans[edit | edit source]
ex- alexa rios You can't walk literally five feet in Lake Zurich without seeing at least one pack of at least five Mexicans. There's pretty much always at least one token Mexican in every business in the town. They're good workers and don't really cause any problems in the town, but there's one rule: They don't talk to white people. Even if they speak English, they do not talk to white people or act friendly around them. "It is against their code," the mayor says.
The Latin community itself is slowly taking over the town acre by acre as more immigrants keep coming and often ask themselves why they jumped fences to live there. Of all places, why there? The answer has yet to arrive, and the only jobs they get eventually get shut down and vacated so they have to find a new job every three months. They're often compared to snails. "They outgrow a shell and find a new one all the time, the fuckers," some townie comments. Some day they may just land a job somewhere else, but they'd actually have to move there.
An average conversation with these individuals if you're white and speak English with them will be like this:
Average Person: Hi.
Mexican: ¿Qué?
Average Person: I said "hi". How are you doing today?
Mexican: No thanks, señor.
Communicating with these people is not easy if you're white. If you happen to be any other ethnicity, there is no communication barrier all of a sudden. White people in the town have reportedly tried going undercover as other ethnicities to uncover why they don't talk to white people, but they're too smart and always catch the spies. It still remains a mystery.
Pedophiles[edit | edit source]
ex ron culver [gone], ANTHONY YONTZ!!!!
Yes, the "#1" place to raise a family has had its share of pedorasses over the years. You can't check out any of the neighborhoods in the area without each one having a nice little local sex offender. These people often walk around the neighborhoods with balding heads, long white beards while sporting a pot belly and wearing sandals, cargo shorts and a childish T-shirt while walking a cute dog. The other ones are respected school teachers, such was the case with Wayne Kuklinski, or Ron Culver(see below section).
Despite this little dent in the town's population, its reputation has not been harmed as one of the greatest places to raise a family. Citizens can usually spot a pedophile pretty easily by appearance, but if not, a conversation like this might raise suspiscion:
Average Person: Hey, Mr. Malfordy, what's up?
Pedophile: You got any kids?
Average Person: Wha... No.
Pedophile: Then I don't like you. Go away. (walks away)
As you can see, their behavior is much like that of the Plain Old Asshole(see above), except a little more fucked up.
The Cases of Wayne D. Kuklinski[edit | edit source]
Wayne Kuklinski was a 59 year-old child who was a football coach, P.E. and Driver's Education teacher who'd been teaching at Lake Zurich High School for almost a century through time travel. His favorite hobbies apparently included watching football games, collecting weapons illegally and watching children demean themselves on his home computer.
In 2007, Kuklinski was busted by an F.B.I man undercover as a young underage girl in a chat room and they traced it back to Kuklinski's home after he probably offered to teach the girl how to "drive a stick shift". At his home, officials found not only 30 images of child porn on Mr. Stick Shift's P.C., but several firearms that were unlicensed(probably meant for killing himself and his family if his porn was found). The authorities took his computer and charged him, which led to a sentence of a wopping six days in jail. Talk about punishment!
People became outraged that the schooling system got penetrated by a man who watched teenage boys undress everyday in the locker room. "But I only go after the girls," he might say. In that case, it totally makes everything different and not creepy at all.
Parents thought this was the only sex offender in the town apparently, as well, showing how blissfully ignorant they really are.
Schools[edit | edit source]
Schools in Lake Zurich are boring and have no money because the state refuses to spend money on the town(This would also explain the inability to drive four feet without hitting a pothole).
There are ten elementary schools, only four of which are real. The other six are imagined by the mayor and are just numbers. There's San Quentin, Seth Paine, Isaac Fox and May Whitney, which is now in Middle School North as Spencer Loomis elementary school because of moldy shit growing in the original building because Lake Zurich had no money to keep its kids healthy.
There are two middle schools, North(LZMSN) and South(LZMSS). Both rival each other in these cute little battles, but North has one disadvantage for the students who go there. The staff have been rumored to have installed gas canisters in the ventilation systems containing a mind-altering gaseous substance called "H-TRON" that basically makes its students do their homework and eat the cafeteria food(specifically the Bosco Sticks). Students have even reported seeing the canisters in the janitors' closets, but no one believes them. Some suspect that the students who try to rebel and are immune to H-TRON are "silenced".
Then we have the Lake Zurich High School which is known for the greatest achievement of any school in town. It managed to spend all of its money(almost half a billion) on a Performing Arts Center for its theater department and a turf football field so education would be useless. The rest of the school suffers from crumbling infrastructures, lack of money for any sort of true environment changes for its students, lack of money to help motivate its students, lack of toilet paper, death, carelessness and hatred of it. The school is doing great save for those things. The class of '08 is the last to know of extravagant homecomings and elaborate and fun events and free TV's, because after that class's Freshman year in 2005, it all fell to pieces and it still falls today.
As for private schools? Who cares? St. Francis is the only one anyone knows about. Stupid bitchy nuns...
Geography and Climate[edit | edit source]
Lake Zurich is at some latitude and longitude Northwest of Chicago, the only good place in Illinois. It is apparently located 850 feet above sea level even though it seems like it should be in a giant bowl-shaped crater since that's how most citizens describe what it feels like when they're there.
Lake Zurich is frozen almost all year-round until June and July and now even June is suffering from winter invasion a little. It won't be long before Lake Zurich will be the first town in the U.S. to experience a new Ice Age. "It'll probably happen in 2014 or somewhere in the 2020's or something. Yeah, probably somewhere around there... or 2050... or something," the mayor predicts.