Invisible cow

This a typical warning sign, seen in areas at high risk of invisible cow-related problems.

“I once called the Invisible lady a fat invisible cow, she slapped me.”

~ Mr UnDetailed on Invisible cows

“You can still fuck 'em.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“don't go running where there are possibly invisible cows. you have been warned.”

~ that guy on Invisible cows

The invisible cow (bovinae canotseitae) is a specialized variety of cow that was first not seen in 1993. It was bred by CowTech Industries for stealth reconnaissance missions, but has since become a wild species, with no sightings reported daily.

Origins

The invisible cow was made up by a farmer when he was trying to get a cowgirl to go out with him. The cowgirl loves cows but she wasn't very bright. Her dad was a famous writer. When she went on a date with the cowboy he told her he had an invisible cow. So, he tricked her by doing the invisible cow magic trick. (MAGIC APPEARING MILK LOOK IT UP) She was so amazed so she ran home to tell her dad. He wrote a story about it and it became famous. People didn't believe his story and all of them laughed at him. The girl was kicked out of the house and she went to marry the cowboy. They lived in Mauna Kea. They raised invisible cows there (They thought the raised invisble cows there). They posted notes everywhere saying BEWARE OF INVISIBLE COWS but now we know it was just created by a loony who wanted a girl.

Other Theories

Some cowologists theorize that invisible cows actually came from outer space, since the only place they have actually been not seen is Mauna Kea Observatories in Hawaii. This is rejected by CowTech Industries, who have dubbed the theory "invisible bullshit."

Invisible cows love to take strolls in the middle of the night. It is most likely because they like to have a midnight snack. it would usually be a by passer. The FBI hasn't found out why people have gone missing because the invisible cow has eaten them but guess what the invisible cow is just an imaginary creature a group of loonies made up and it is basically for money.

Biology

If you close your eyes, this should give you an idea of what invisible cows look like.

Invisible cows have a biology that is identical to normal cows, except that their body parts are invisible to all known means of detection. Also, they are way smarter and more aggressive. Nobody can see invisible cows, no matter who they are or what kinds of fancy machines they use. The only way you can tell if one is present is when you walk in to one accidently, or, more likely, you are suddenly gored by its invisible horns and trampled to death by invisible hooves. See Dangers below.

Diet

Grass and dirt are the invisible cow's preferred diet, although they are known to steal the occasional Snickers™ bar or a coffee crisp to get more caffeine in them, and have a fondness for chamomile herb tea in the evenings. In fact, that Snickers™ bar you thought I stole was probably taken by an invisible cow.

Much speculation surrounds whether or not the food invisible cows eat turns invisible once they swallow it. Some cowologists believe that anything that enters the cow's body becomes invisible, which would explain why no one has ever seen half-chewed grass and Snickers™ bars floating around in invisible cow territory. Others theorize that because the cow's body is invisible, one should be able to see the food inside the cow's body, and the reason no one has ever seen the visible contents of an invisible cow's stomach is because they don't actually live in places suspected of being invisible cow territory, and we wouldn't be able to tell because we can't see them.

Invisible cow society

Because of their impressive intelligence, invisible cows have an advanced and sophisticated civilization. Or they would, if they could see each other. Invisible cows tend to have difficulty forming interpersonal relationships because they never have any idea where all the other invisible cows are. The only way they can find each other is by running around until they bump into something invisible, which tends to leave a bad first impression. Because of this, invisible cows have not been able to form a lasting society, at least none that we've not seen so far.

Many people have wondered why invisible cows don't communicate audibly, using hearing as a substitute for sight when trying to find other invisible cows. This question remains unanswered because no one has been able to find an invisible cow and ask it.

Uses

Even as wild animals, invisible cows are highly prized by ninjas for their invisible parts (which, in case you weren't paying attention, is the whole cow). Eating the meat of an invisible cow is said to be good for ninjas' ability to disappear from sight. No one has actually seen if this is true, obviously.

Ninjas are the only ones known to successfully hunt invisible cows on a regular basis. The evidence for this is the many pictures ninjas have taken of each other after a hunt, in which the ninja poses next to what one assumes in an invisible cow's dead body. Of course, it could just be empty space.

Invisble cows are famous for their clear-colored milk. It is 57% less easy-to-see than regular milk. It is also been suspected to cure cancer, Aids, and the common cold.

Dangers

This is the only known case of invisible cows caught on film. The photographer has not been seen or heard from since.

Hunting

Hunting the invisible cow is a very dangerous, but extremely rewarding, endeavor. Because invisible cows are very intelligent and sneaky, most hunts end with the would-be hunter being trampled or, occasionally, given a killer wedgie. This can be great fun to watch, as the hapless hunter is lifted several feet off the ground when the invisible cow hooks its invisible horns into his underwear.

Conspiracies

Invisible cows are also known to act as mercenaries for such secret organizations as the Freemasons, the CIA, the Elders of Zion, the Cabal, and Hershey's Chocolate. No one knows why they do this or what the cows are being paid to do, because it's a secret, dummy. Seriously though, nobody can make any sense of it, since the cows would obviously just steal some Snickers™ bars and run away with the money. Still, don't trust any invisible cows claiming to work for "the government." They're probably telling the truth.

Automobile Accidents

Right then, listen up. When I was a young'un, my family often took long road trips to all sorts of places. Salisbury, Gloucester, Honolulu; you name it, we went there in the car.

Anyway, on these long boring trips, my brother and I, being mischievous little buggers, got the notion that it would be right good fun to shout "Invisible cow!" at random intervals while Good Old Dad was driving on deserted roads. Being the jumpy, safety-conscious sort, Dad always swerved halfway off the road whenever one of us said it, because he didn't want to smash the car on some unseen bit of cattle. Damn near ran this one Scottish bloke off the road and into the ditch once. Aye, Good Old Dad had a right mind to beat us for that, he did, but he was the sort of dad who liked to keep driving until all the petrol ran out, so by the time we pulled over Dad was always too busy teaching us new words while looking for a petrol station in the middle of nowhere.

So that's the story. Don't fool around with invisible cows while driving, because your dad might decide to pull over and give you a beating.

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