HowTo:Create fantastic fantasy characters and make a million-gazillion dollars

Princess Lay-me shows us the way!

By using simple, but effective, methods of characterization, anyone--even you--can create fantastic fantasy characters and make a million-gazillion dollars. If that sentence didn’t stir up your midi-chlorines, the Farce is not with you, and you will most likely die an anonymous, penniless death and end up somewhere Exceedingly Unpleasant. Otherwise, you may be one of the chosen ones for whom the sky is the limit.

Understand, Luke Skywriter, that the methods you’re about to learn--or, rather, the techniques that are about to be revealed to you--are the same ones that the great George Lucas himself employed to create such fantastic fantasy characters as Princess Lay-Me, Chewing Tobacco, Jarhead Binks, Yazoo, and many others.

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To be a skywriter of the stench rank of a George Lucas, one needs to embrace two attitudes, or beliefs, which, like the Farce itself, is obsolete with most folks: sexism and racism. If you hate women, blacks, and other minority groups for no other reason than your own chauvinism, misogyny, sexism, prejudice, and racism, the Farce is with you, and you, too, can create fantastic fantasy characters as exciting, compelling, and literary as those of the Jelly Master himself! In the process, as an added bonus, you will have also pissed off between 25 and 50 percent of the public and made a laughingstock out of your “franchise.”

Technique 1

Here’s how it works for creating female characters:

1. Start by creating a likeable, self-confident, courageous, adventurous, heroic, adept, beautiful, young warrior woman and, to enhance her status, make her the princess of a whole planet. Your audience will love her. The women among them, especially, will be grateful to see that one male among the Hollywood glitterati, at least, understands that women are people, too, just like men, and will embrace this character as their heroine and a role model for girls everywhere.

2. After showing this character to be a brave, determined, and fiercely independent, but loyal and loving, character, who takes her burdensome responsibilities seriously and is willing to die in the cause of restoring freedom to the galaxy, dress her in a bikini--yes, that’s right, a bikini--and put her on the end of a chain, making her the sex slave of a truly repulsive, gigantic, slug-like “alien” who represents Lucas’ idea of a good time. In doing so, you have put her anatomy in charge of her destiny, just the way, lesbo feminists contend, misogynistic male chauvinistic pigs do all the time. Instead of elevating the status of women as capable, self-confident, independent, and assertive individuals equal to men, you will have reduced them to bikini sluts controlled by creatures who are little more than personified sperm cells. Congratulations! You have learned the George Lucas Sexist Technique for Creating (and Subjugating) Fantasy Girls!

Easy, wasn’t it?

Technique 2

Now, let’s look at how the Jelly Master creates fantastic minority fantasy characters of the ostensibly masculine persuasion.

1. Show this character to be a brave, determined, and fiercely independent, but loyal and loving, character, who takes his burdensome responsibilities seriously and is willing to die in the cause of restoring freedom to the galaxy.

2. As soon as possible, after showing him to be the equal of anyone else in his courage, determination, independence, and self-confidence, make him shuck and jive, speak in broken or pidgin English, act in a clumsy and subservient manner at all times, avoid work and responsibilities of any kind, effect an immature demeanor, and, be ever-eager to please and to serve his “white” masters, the noble Naboo.

Technique 3

With slight adaptations, as appropriate (or inappropriate), you can use this same technique to create other types of ethnic “aliens” as well. Using Lucas' character Yazoo (Yiddish for “schnozz”), here’s an example:

1. Make this character as physically repulsive as possible. Give him a corpse-like complexion, and make him pot-belied. His skin should look like the underside of a frog’s belly. Give him a greasy look, and make him “swarthy.”

2. Give him a big nose, hooked or beaked--so he looks (a) Arab, (b) Italian, and/or (c) Jewish. That way, the racists in your audience can think of him as representing whichever Middle Eastern ethnic group they hate the most, individually or collectively. That’s how you, like Lucas, can provide entertainment for the masses.

3. Make him a capitalist. And a slave trader (of course). Without a conscience.

There, you’re done!

A fortune awaits!

You’re now a proud graduate of the George Lucas School of Characterization Via Racism and Sexism, and you, too, can be on your way to making a fortune. Remember, prejudice, hatred, and bigotry are worth big bucks, as long as you promote them in the guise of providing harmless entertainment.