HowTo:Brush your teeth

Brushing your teeth is an old Japanese Samurai technique which is considered required to survive out there by many scientists. While it may sound reasonably easy, it is very hard and only the most experienced teeth brushers can master the technique.

However, even if you have no prior experience in teeth brushing, this guide will tell you the basics in teeth brushing in easily understandable language to make your brushing experience as nice as possible.

Why even brush your teeth? It's a waste of time!

This is a question asked by many people. Sure, teeth brushing sounds like a useless technique that's absolutely unnecessary and just takes up time that could be better spent on something else. However, there are several advantages to having dazzling white teeth, including the ability to blind Grues, being very attractive to hot girls, and biting on something hard enough to test your fighting capabilities.

Step 1: Finding a suitable toothbrush

This toothbrush is not recommended because of its massive weight which can make you cut off your chin

First, you need to find a comfortable toothbrush you can preferably hold with one hand. It should be not too heavy so you don't accidentally clean a lot more than just your teeth. Also, it should not be operated by an ungrounded power cord (if at all possible) so you don't get an electroshock while trying to brush your teeth. This could possibly end up deadly.

Knives and swords make the perfect toothbrush if you can't buy a professional teeth brushing tool, since you're expected to have some of these at your home and they don't have any major disadvantages. However, they might take time to get used to, so practice before trying to brush your teeth for real.

If you're going to buy a professional teeth brushing tool because you have way too much money with no way to spend it, look for the small handheld devices usually found in any department store. They look extremely cute, but are an absolute killer to years worth of built-up filth residing on your teeth, and they won't harm any other parts of your body so you can't cut off your tongue by mistake. The price is accordingly high, expect to pay ₫5,000 or more.

Step 2: Finding a suitable toothpaste

This brand of toothpaste is preferred by those who wish to maintain their belief even while brushing their teeth

There are many different brands of toothpaste for many purposes, and for a beginner it's hard to choose the correct one. Note that the toothpaste should be not too liquidated to avoid the danger of drinking the toothpaste (for that reason, oil is not exactly recommended), but still remain flexible enough so that you can form it using your toothbrush.

Acceptable variations vary from red to blue, from butter to soil, from "Made in Germany" to "Made in Taiwan". But if you have any allergies, for example against toxins or nuts, avoid using these as your toothbrush. Also, don't use anything which you usually eat, because otherwise you'll lose concentration and think of eating rather than brushing, making fatal mistakes in the process.

Step 3: Preparing the brushing

Take your tools and move in front of a mirror where there's a table to your right (you can move the table beforehand if necessary). Water may be required for certain combinations of toothbrush and toothpaste, but if yours doesn't, be sure to at least take a bucket with you.

Your preferred position is directly facing the mirror, with the toothpaste on the table to the right of you and holding the toothbrush with your right hand (reverse if you're left-handed) Water the toothbrush if necessary, then put a sizable portion of toothpaste on your toothbrush (about 10 to 100 grams, depending on your age and amount of teeth remaining). Once you've done that, position the toothbrush directly in front of your teeth, with the paste facing the teeth. Be sure to actually show your teeth to avoid brushing your lips. If you can't talk anymore without spreading the toothpaste all over the room, you know you're doing it right.

Step 4: How to brush

This toothbrush movement is not recommended for the health of your teeth.

Slowly move your toothbrush back until it touches your teeth. Be sure not to cut off your teeth.

It's surprising, but many people think way too complex when actually moving their toothbrush. They move it around in quite odd and excessively complicated ways, such as the complete subway network of New York, the state border of Russia, or the Mandelbrot set. However, these patterns severely hurt your teeth and you should not use them.

Instead, use simple movements. Draw straight lines up or down, or ellipses, or sine waves, or other smoothly-differentiable functions; but avoid zigzagging. Be sure to brush the back of your teeth as well as the top and front sides (the bottoms cannot be brushed due to obvious reasons; please don't try). Use a stopwatch and stop at 5 minutes starting from the first brush. Then you're done with brushing.

Step 5: Completing the brushing

Now, move your toothbrush away from your teeth and lay it on top of the table. If your toothbrush requires water, clean it and then clean your teeth, otherwise just spit out all the remaining toothpaste into your bucket. Ignore the surprisingly large quantities of blood. Tidy up the place to finish it once and for all.

Final words

You might have noticed that the first pass was extremely hard. This is normal. Don't worry about it because you'll master it if you train often enough. Just give your best try each time.

There might be other ways to clean your teeth without the risk of brushing them. These methods are not covered here, but another book by the Federal Department of Defense might be able to give some advice on this.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: When I move the toothbrush back in step 3 a lot of teeth fall out of my mouth!

A: You pulled the toothbrush back way too fast. Next time, if you still have any teeth left, try pulling more slowly and carefully.

Q: I become ill when brushing my teeth!

A: Don't use Anthrax as your toothpaste. It's known to cause anomalies such as this.

Q: I have trouble moving the toothbrush behind the back of my tooth. The peak of the toothbrush doesn't fit in there!

A: Use an army knife (although any reasonably sharp thing will do) and cut the sides of the mouth to widen it. This should give you enough space to move the tooth brush to the correct position.

Q: OMFG, my gums are bleeding profusely!!!

A: Don't panic. A certain level of blood loss is to be expected during these comparatively-rare procedures.