HowTo:Become the king of pop
Becoming the king of pop is an aspiration that the majority of the population hold. The greatest measures of success are not talent, wealth, happiness or compassion. True success only comes when you have become a household name, and what better way to become a household name than to becoming pop royalty.
However, most people fail upon the road to being a pop superstar, simply because they fail to realise that stardom does not rely on any talent, skill or even the ability to be able to tie your shoes. Being a pop superstar relies mainly on one thing and one thing only - the look!
What you will need
- A printer
- A pair of scissors
- A pop-rivet gun
- A hot glue gun
- Some elastic
- A mop
- Fabric dye[1]
Talent
The face
The look is the first and most important aspect of pop royalty. If you are naturally attractive this does definitely help, however the chances are that you are as ugly as the southern end of a north facing horse. While plastic surgery and a regime of dieting and exercise can get you there, both of these take time, and you don't want to be an old man of 30 before you get to the spotlight, so you need to act fast.
The best way to do this is to obtain the face of a celebrity and use it as a mask. Now it is difficult to take the face off a celebrity, so here's one that we created earlier.
Assembly instructions
- Print the mask out full size.
- Carefully cut around the outside of both sections of the mask.
- Cut along the dotted lines that mark slots a, b, and c.
- Carefully insert tab A into slot a. Glue into place.
- Carefully insert tab B into slot b. Be careful not to fold the mask at this stage but instead allow it to bend naturally into shape. Glue into place.
- Using a pen, put it behind the bridge of the nose and carefully curve the mask away from you. This will bring tab C toward slot c. Insert the tab into the slot. Glue into place. This will give you the shape of the upper part of the mask.
- Fold the underneath of the nose back and tuck slot D behind the connection you just made with the joining of tab C to slot c. Glue into place.
- Using a pop rivet gun, connect the lower mask to the upper mask by riveting through hole e in both parts. Make sure the lower jaw is on the front of the mask.
- Again, carefully roll around the lower jaw and connect the other side by riveting through hole f.
- Gently move the jaw up and down by hand to loosen it slightly - remember, mouths not being in sync with the songs can cause undue embarrassment.
- Run a line of elastic from hole e to hole f large enough to wrap around the back of your head.
The hair
The first thing to keep in mind as you are starting on the road to pop royalty is that at the start of your career you will not have the opportunity to have an entourage of hair stylists travelling with you where ever you go. So to this end you will need to have a head of hair that always looks good no matter what you do with it.
Of course, your natural hair won't be able to do this, so you should remove it as soon as possible, as you'll need to replace it with a wig. Don't worry, all the great superstars do this - it is important to remember to wear your wig at all times to save embarrassment in the media.
Remove the head off your mop, and dye it. Black is usually the best colour for this, as less traditional colours can push you over the edge of pop and into punk, and nobody wants that. Once the dye has taken and dried, then start wearing this immediately, along with your mask.
Spend some time getting the mask and wig working well together. If either your mask or your wig start to come apart at any time people will start to criticise you for excessive plastic surgery, and the last thing that you want to be known as is a freak.
The clothes
Clothing is something which you either need to pay a stylist thousands of dollars of advice for, or alternatively you can go through the cheaper option. Going to your local thrift store buy the most colourful items that you can find. Don't worry about the style of clothes, the clashing of colours, or even if you can only find one glove. Being pop royalty is not about following the trend, but becoming the trend.
Now, using you hot glue gun stick as many shiny things onto your clothes as possible. Sequins and coloured glass are good for this. If you are having difficulty finding coloured glass to stick on, go to your local Catholic church and throw rocks through the stained glass windows and pick up the broken glass afterwards. [2]
Now put the entire collection together. You look exactly like a king of pop.
Congratulations
You have become the king of pop.
Now at this stage you may be beginning to worry about the ability to sing or dance or play any instruments. All you need to is go to your nearest talent agency. Once you have the look they'll fix up your music and give you the ability to dance. [3]
- ↑ An agreeable substitute for fabric dye can be engine oil.
- ↑ Note: You may be chased off in the process of doing this, but don't be discouraged - there are plenty of churches around and they will keep paying money to add more coloured glass to their walls.
- ↑ If at any time you feel that you are not singing or dancing effectively, grab your own testicles and crush them until you squeal like a girl. It will substitute for talent any time.
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Featured on the 15th of May 2010 |
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