Hellsing Music Academy
~ Parets while looking at the tuition bill
The Hellsing Music Academy, founded in 1893, is school that teaches vampires to sing, and make more...constructive use of their might. Along with vampire civil rights the academy also supports Nazi Eating, Bishop Bashing, and the Injury to the Eye Motif.
Founding[edit | edit source]
The year was 1893 and Abraham Van Helsing, aged and weary of hunting vampires had an idea. Instead of running around hunting easily ressurectable vampires, he could turn them into friendly, respectable, tax paying members of society. But how? After hours of drinking he got an idea from playing around with his name: he would make Hell sing. Ageless vampires could make supherb choir singers since their voice never changes from pueberty. And they could get great practice by listening to the echoes in their spacious castle homes.
And so, Abraham used his family fortune to build the Hellsing Academy, buyinstruments, and hire staff. He then celebrated the grand opening with more drinking. When he finally became sober (which was not for many months) he realized what an idiotic plan it was and tried to stop it. Unfortunatly, Abraham suffered a fatal heart attack, just as he was moving an even more fatal piano down the stairs. The academy was then carried on by his disrespectful childeren who sought to sully his legacy.
Staff[edit | edit source]
Director Integra Fairbrook Morpheus Bill Gates Hellsing[edit | edit source]
The newest member to take over the family business, after "taking care" of half the family. As well as resisting Dracula's mighty sexiness mind control, she is quite adept at not aging, seeing that she's actually 97 years old, despite looking 23. And yes, Integra is a female, depsite having a manly posture, wearing manly clothes, smoking manly cigars, and lifting the toilet seat up. Is also a highly capable fighter, giving second hand smoke to opponents, or by making them pronounce her ridiculously long name.
Dracula[edit | edit source]
Once the archenemy of the Hellsing family, he was enslaved by the good 'ol fashion pronounce your name backwards spell (the same kind that works on Mister Mxyzptlk). As headmaster, Dracula is in charge recruiting new students, and defending the school from its thousands of enemies. Dracula has successfully triumphed over all catastrophes, with the exception of hostage situations, in which the hostages were always killed. Usually by Dracula.
Major Gluteus Maximus Hannah Montanna III[edit | edit source]
A former Nazi recently hired into the staff as a dance instructor. Hellsing wanted someone with strict discipline, untiring resolve, and a hansome haircut. The Major took the job because he ran out of Jew gold and was late on his zepplein payments. In addition, he was seeking refuge from Bob Hope since the Major's fatness made him a tempting target for Nazi Eating.
Walter C. Dornez[edit | edit source]
The Hellsing family butler known for his loyalty and devotion. Despite being 217 years old, he is still active and fit, and teaches the use of stringed instruments. Particularly with razor sharp strings that can slice up humans like cheese.
Seras Victoria[edit | edit source]
Some Police girl. No one is quite sure what she does, but with a figure like that, no one cares.
List of Famous Students[edit | edit source]
- Count Orlock
- Count Duckula
- Vincent Price
- Edward Cullen (Had dropped out before long)
- Bob Barker
- Rip Van Winkle (A famous German Opera singer)
- Wee Willy Winkie
- Tom Tit Tot
Curiculum[edit | edit source]
The main subject taught in the Hellsing music Academy is of course, singing. But students are taught to use music instruments as well. At first it started with standard trumpets, guitars, and gongs. But later on, they went on to the controversial "war music". The cracking of skulls serving as percusion, hollow necks would get used as flutes, and oversized guns would represent trumpets. Unfortunatly, hundereds of people would die during each "performance", thus making many more enemies.
History[edit | edit source]
- 1893- Hellsing is founded
- 1899- Abraham Hellsing dies, school is taken over by his childeren
- 1901- After being nearly defeated by the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, the Hellsing family takes Dracula out of the attic and makes him the official guardian.
- 1915- Student Edward Cullen starts a schisim and tries to steal fan girls from Dracula
- 1916-1921- The great "Sparkles versus Bullets" war errupts between Dracula and Cullen. Dracula easily wins, but dragged the war on to prolonge Cullen's suffering.
- 1937- The Hellsing choir beats the Hitler Youth choir in a singing competetion. Hitler foolishly declares war on Hellsing.
- 1945- Hellsing "destroys" the Third Reich, despite failing to kill anyone of actual importance.
- 1998- The Catholic Church decalres war on Hellsing. They send in the mass rapist, super solider priest Father Andy Alexson to kill Dracula. He doesn't.
- 1999- Dracula and Father Alexson make snarly faces and point weapons at each other. Not much else happens.
- 2000- A group of Nazis hiding in Brazil have their computers messed up by the Y2-K bug. In their rage they called themselves Millenium and declare war on "eweryvone". Millenium pesters Hellsing with its armies of Butlers, Werewolves, and Catboys until its main zepplin burst into flames after some idiot lit his cigarette in the wrong area.
- 2001- Archbishop Enrico Inglases attacks Hellsing with 3,000 Ku Klux Klansmen. Dracula saves the day when he ressurects all 5.8 million souls he huffed.
- 2002- Father Alexson stabs himself with a magic nail and turns into a giant thorn bush. Dracula gets out his hedge trimmers and cuts away.
Controversies[edit | edit source]
Since the beginning, the Hellsing Academy has faced unlimited oceans of protest and controversy. This perhaps explains its vast multitude of enemies. Some complain about the curriculum, some about the costly tuition, some complain that the school is not located in Hell. And many complain that there is too much to complain about. Two of the less boring controversies are as follows:
Alleged Elitism[edit | edit source]
It has been long suspected that the Hellsing Academy supports snobby elitism. During their battles, poor people would get slaughtered by the thousands, while the rich often walked away unscathed. In addition, student Luke Valentine was quoted saying: "If they have no bread, then let them eat shit". When this subject was asked during an interview with Integra, she replied "You irritating pissants, do you have any idea how hard our work is here? Grading papers, assigning homework, disciplining naughty students with bdsm equipment, it never ends! Its not my fault you dirty dumb peasants can't appreciate fine music. Now leave this place, and don't steal any of the silverware on your way out." And so that shut them up.
Alleged Racism[edit | edit source]
With questionable diversity and actual Nazis on staff, Hellsing is thought to hold racist standards among its students. In a survey it was revealed that:
- 71% of Hellsing students wear glasses.
- 95% are blonde or black haired
- 98% wore white gloves
- 66% had annoying accents
- 69% had stupid names
- 74% had creepy smiles
- 52% received eye injuries at some point
- And 0% were black
However, no racist slurs or intentions have been detected...yet.
Impact[edit | edit source]
Thought to be quite heavy since it just broke that guy's skull over there. Despite being outnumbered, the Hellsing academy has successfully made sexy vampires triumph over sexy teenage vampires. And thanks to the efforst of the academy, and entire 2% of the vampire population has quit drinking blood. However, at the same time, the vampire poulation has quadrupled.
But regardless of its inumerable flaws, the Hellsing Music Academy has risen in popularity, and has had many manga and anime loosley based on its history.