Attic

My attic, after I moved my toys (and the kids) to the basement.

An attic is a section of your home where all your crap goes that's too useless to leave in the basement or even donate to charity, things such as hideously deformed children. It is also a good place for movie and TV characters to have nostalgic flashbacks and realize that their family IS important and that maybe, just maybe, they shouldn't have ground them up and shoved them into the freezer.

How do I get to the attic?

The best place to check is up. Think of attics as the anti-basement, as they are at higher altitudes. The higher up a room is, the more likely it is to be an attic.

Although it is definitely at a high altitude, airplanes are not necessarily attics.

Attics also are generally dank, dark, uninviting, and full of state-of-the-art defensive weaponry.

It's dark in here

Don't panic... yet. You still have a few crucial moments before you have to make a decision that could change your life forever. First, is your house haunted, if it is, get out and fast, even if you get a flashlight, you are still susceptible to demonic possession. It is very likely that while reading this you have already been possessed. If your soul isn't completely possessed yet, you can now take your time. Simply go back down the ladder that feels too steep and fragile. Simply go and find your nearest flashlight, torch, candle, burning witch, anything that can provide you with light, and go back up. This does open you up to some new dangers though, if you go up there with your burning witch, it could be very easy for you to find all sorts of nasty terrible things. From snakes and spiders, to gnomes and goblins, who knows what's living up there. This is why, it's probably smart to bring a weapon, a poker from your nearest fireplace should do just fine. Climb the ladder, slowly, peek your head up fast in quick little spurts, scanning the area, if nothing is running to you at mach speed, you have survived, and can now freely explore your attic. Have fun! Just watch out for nails, both finger and toe, they can hurt you pretty bad.

What can I find in an attic?

Mostly trunks full of useless shit, but sometimes you'll find other items of interest, such as:

• Your grandma's wedding dress: Wait... What's that doing here? I know for a fact grandma died seven years before we moved into this house, and I never found out about this attic until now... Better ask your mom about that...
• Your great-great-grandmother's sweat-stained corset: ... Okay, I'll give you the wedding dress, but what the fuck, man?
• Dusty photo albums: What's that dog doing to that baby!? ... Wait... THAT'S ME!!! Why did my parents just stand around and take this while that dog... Ugh... Well, I guess it explains my weird limp.
• Those Japanese comics that your brother says isn't porn, but you know it is: I should probably hold onto these...
• Your great-great-great-uncle's Gimp Suit: It started out a little funny, but now it's just getting wrong...
• Cash: A "Cash in the Attic" reference? Really? You're really desperate for jokes, aren't you?
• The remains of the ex-girlfriend that you ground up like she was coffee: I won't tell if you don't. Tee hee.
• Those old toys you promised to sell at the garage sale 3 years ago You know, those old Bionicles and hundreds of those "Hot Wheels" cars.

There's nothing... living in the attic is there?

The short answer to that is no...

The long answer to that is yes. You'll have to deal with the fact that many creatures exist in your attic. Be it spiders, bats, or Pat Buchanan. Here are some common enemies you'll meet in the attic:

• Jews: Although the Holocaust ended sixty years ago, some Jews simply cannot let go of old habits and insist on hiding in attics. In fact, did you know that Jews can eat up to a pound of wood a day. And did you further know that they are feasting on the support beams in your attic as we speak... read... whatever... You may consider calling Terminix.

Jr. loves to fuck around in your attic. I wouldn't mess with him if I were you... I think that gun may be loaded...

• Xenosaga Characters: Well, what else are they gonna do? Star in half-assed ports in Japan only? No, they'd much rather fuck around in your attic and re-arrange those trunks and Gimp Suits. Especially Jr... That little bitch can't leave anything alone. If you find Xenosaga characters in your attic, do NOT engage them! Unless they are characters from Xenosaga Episode I, in which case, do NOT engage them.
• Gay people: It's a sad world that we live in where even your attic is not safe from being redecorated. Even though it is pretty bad that your drapes don't match your curtain in your attic, those zany homosexuals are probably just there for your great-great-great-uncle's Gimp Suit. Defend it with your life!

• Spiders: I would seriously like to emphasize this one. For those that don't know, spiders are creatures summoned from the fiery, yet deceptively nippy, bowels of Hell. If you have ever "killed" a spider, you really haven't. Once a spider is killed by conventional means, it comes back to life a few hours later. Only by using pagan witchcraft can you send their immortal soul back to Hell.
• A Family: So you've gone into the attic and discovered a normal family of people, sitting down to a meal or watching TV and looking surprised at seeing your head popping up out of the floorboards? Chances are, you live in a block of flats.
• Grues- There to hunt you!
• Eurgs- There to hunt Grues... and you!
• The Burger King There to hunt Grues and Eurgs... and you!
• Meatwad. He is searching for the One Ring.
• Cockroaches: See those empty shells in the corner? The roaches didn't die, they burrowed into your brothers Comic books as a permanent home.

I can't find my attic!

It is generally advisable to not find your attic, the things that you will find up there will likely haunt you for the rest of your life. Attics are often times where evil things will lurk, as long as you keep them locked up, you'll be fine, but if you open it up, you could quite possibly be opening the seventh seal of the apocalypse dooming the world to a swift and certain demise. Tread carefully, for if you do try to find this fabled attic, your life could very well change forever.

1. First, get your brain checked, it really isn't that hard to find your attic. 2. Next you are going to want to run quickly throughout the top level of your house, stare at the ceiling, that way it is harder to tell if you're going to run into a wall. 3. Look for anything oddly shaped or anything jutting out, not only will you find your attic, but you might be able to find all sorts of artifacts, hopefully none that will haunt you for the rest of your life. 4. Finally open up whatever rectangular shaped thing you can find on your ceiling, if it isn't your attic, get a new house, this one was a mistake. A word of warning when you are opening your attic for the first time, it is very likely you have a squatter up there, that's where the thudding has been from all these years, call the authorities to help you open your attic. They will be able to take care of this squatter that has been up there. If you are feeling extra risky, go ahead and open it up, just get ready to defend yourself.

Closing Remarks

Well, that's unfortunately all I can teach you about the wondrous land of attics. Hopefully, throughout this fun trip, you've learned something of importance. If not, then it looks like this was all for naught...

...Or was it anyway...

...Oh well, I gave you the Gimp Suit, right?