Hamsters

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I had two hamsters like this. One had a little white spot on her head. They lived almost four years. Probably the only ones to ever die a peaceful death.
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Richard Hammond, or Dying? How about Midgets, or Sabrina Carpenter?

“KAPOOM!”

“AAAAAAAA!”

~ A five-year-old, hearing their hamster in a microwave

Ah, yes, hamsters. Known for absolutely nothing except for dying in the weirdest ways possible. Be honest, how many hamsters have you seen die peacefully? That's right, none. And if you answered something other than that, you're living in the Matrix. Known for stuffing their fat faces with anything remotely edible, eating their babies, living in your walls, escaping through the smallest holes in their cages possible, eating their babies, being fat, dying in the most ridiculous ways possible, eating their babies, and eating their babies.

Did I mention eating their babies? That's pretty important.

On the topic, have you seen your hamster today? Oh, it's dead? Are you sure? Did you poke it with a stick? "Pretty sure"?! That should not have happened. How the hell did it die? Head chopped off by a ceiling fan? Wow. How about you? Turned into sausage, holy fuck. Wait, you ate the sausage? Just one question: was it good sausage? Me, you ask? Well, mine is still alive, right? Oh, it got eaten by a duck? How am I not surprised? Wait, with cheese and quackers? Oh. Can I have a minute, please?

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about hamsters.

Overview[edit | edit source]

I've seen hamsters before, and they look like smaller versions of rats, bigger versions of Ariana Grande, and chubbier versions of your mom.[1] But unlike rats, Ariana Grande, and your mom, they just spontaneously combust.[2][3] I saw a study once that said nine out of ten hamsters explode within minutes of being born.[4]

The fat bastard. Wait, is that you, Bob?[5]

Habits[edit | edit source]

Eating[edit | edit source]

Forty percent of what hamsters do is eat. All. Fucking. Day. Even though they prefer seeds, veggies, fruits, cheese, and chicken,[6] they'll consume anything within eating distance. This includes, but is not limited to, woodchips, people, The Moon (it's cheese), their babies, and even their own poop![7] Speaking of poop ...

Pooping[edit | edit source]

Hamsters poop out ten times their own weight when they eat anything. They launch a special "poop-jectile" and time it strategically to land right on a human's face. When a hamster is in a cage it either tries to get out, spontaneously combusts, or paints the walls of the cage with poop like some kind of poocasso. Twenty percent of a hamster's daily life is spent pooping. Just. Pooping. Everywhere.

Eating their babies[edit | edit source]

It's a rodent. What did you expect? This is like half of what they eat. I guess living in a cage can get boring, so they have to resort to other means of entertainment. Once there's too many babies, there's no other option, because it gets too crowded. Even with this, they still end up hungry for all eternity.

Psst ... wake up. Wake up. WAKE THE FUCK UP!

Sleeping[edit | edit source]

When they aren't eating, pooping, or dying, hamsters sleep. 35% of hamster life is sleeping. Almost all they do when you actually want to see them.

Dying[edit | edit source]

At any moment, a hamster may die in an unfathomably ridiculous manner. Like when I accidentally stepped on some kid's hamster that got out. Or when that five-year-old puts one in the microwave "to see what happens". Likewise, another possible situation that one of these creatures may meet their demise would be the consumption of a larger predator anything that, perhaps, enjoys the taste of flesh.

Habitats[edit | edit source]

Hamsters are most often found in running microwaves, cages, plastic tubes, and toilets, where they are often dead, eating, or sleeping. They often use tubes as submarines when not dying, eating, or sleeping in them. They can also be found inside walls, where they feed off of insulation, copper wires, pure evil, Communist propaganda, dead mice, dust bunnies, and the tears of the person who lost them in the first place.

Richard, contemplating some celery (or plotting to dethrone the Egyptian government)

Famous hamsters[edit | edit source]

  • Richard Hammond →
  • Hams McClellan, first president of Hamsteria
  • Bobby Hamsterdam, leader of the Hamsterdam Revolution where hamsters took over Amsterdam and called it Hamsterdam.
  • The hamster from Hampsterdance
  • That stupid "Hampter" thing
  • A hammer

See also[edit | edit source]

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. ↑ Surprising, because I've seen your mom, and that takes a lot.
  2. ↑ Wave, Micro: On Hamsters and Explosions, 2024
  3. ↑ Occasionally, like hamsters, your mom is known to explode in microwaves. This may be because your mom was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
  4. ↑ The rest wait until they're adopted.
  5. ↑ Unrelated to Bobby Hamsterdam, contrary to what Bob would tell you.
  6. ↑ My hamsters loved this stuff.
  7. ↑ This can actually happen with hamsters deprived of food.
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