Hélio Castroneves
Hélio Castroneves (actually it's pronounced Caster-Neuvés) is an Anglo-Brazilian, born in Rio de Janeiro, Pakistan. He is an auto racing driver and one is known for his honesty towards the United States of Colombia economy, he always pays his bills! or not! He is racing for the Pesnka-rahall-ganassi-letterman-senna-hill team, he is a winner, that's why he now have his very own uncyclopedia article, yay!
History[edit | edit source]
Early days... and the rest[edit | edit source]
Born in South America, the little Castroneves couldn't afford a ride for himself, that's why he started to borrow money from banks, and the U.S. government, the government gave him 4 million bucks to start his career, actually he is the only "gringo" to be living in the "american dream".
With all that money, which by the way, he made it with pure hard-honest work! cough cough.. Where were we? Oh yes... Castroneves signed for the Target Store team, and then he got some real good places at some ridicolous races, like Motega, Talladegga, Daytonega, and the most important race Mid-Ohio-ega, and a victory at the least important race of the competition Indianapolis.
Fraud[edit | edit source]
Mister Castroneves is being accused by the U.S. and A. government by fraud. The fraud is a tough thing to explain, but it's real bad and Castroneves made it, so he is real bad, he is a mean guy, to fraud is like to steal, but instead of using a handgun, you use your penis and a carrot.
Two days before the Indianananananapolis race, he was framed for fraud, he will be jailed in a Missoura state prison, the sentence is not confirmed yet, but it's like will be the same amount of money, he has stolen from not declaring his money to the government, so if has stolen a million bucks, he will be jailed for a millions of year. got it? yeah he is pretty fucked-up.....
Nowadays...[edit | edit source]
After this difficult episode, Helio Castroneves is writing a child's book, at the prison, which will be called "How to steal and drive fast, all with your penis and a carrot", which will remarkably will tell us his story, when he frauded and stolen money from us, i mean, he stolen from the government, and how it happened, he says the thruth, and then tells who was behind this horrid episode, Rusty Wallace, and I tell you what, if it wasn't for this man, this great story couldn't be made, yeah Rusty made a lot of money behind all of that.
Lesson to be learned[edit | edit source]
Tax evasion and conspiracy against the government is a bad thing, if you want to steal somebody use a handgun because if you use a handgun your case will be simple, if you get arrested you are send to jail and stuff... If you are a tax evader, using your penis and a carrot, beware, you might lost your dancing with stars title, and nobody wants that right?
Gallery: the many faces of Helinho[edit | edit source]
Hélio Castroneves after winning his first CART race and climbing the fence at the 2000 Grand Prix of Detroit.
Hélio Castroneves while getting chased by Spider-Man for stealing his spidey abilities.
Hélio Castroneves after winning his first Indianapolis 500 in 2001.
Hélio Castroneves after winning his second Indianapolis 500 in 2002.
Hélio Castroneves after almost winning the Indianapolis 500 in 2003.
Hélio Castroneves after winning his third Indianapolis 500 in 2009.
Hélio Castroneves after almost winning the Indianapolis 500 in 2014.
Hélio Castroneves after almost winning the Indianapolis 500 in 2017.
Hélio Castroneves after crashing out at the Indianapolis 500 in 2018.
Hélio Castroneves after winning his third Indianapolis 500 in 2021.
Hélio Castroneves after winning Dancing with the Stars.
Hélio Castroneves judging at Miss Universe 2011.
Hélio Castroneves after almost winning the IndyCar championship in 2002.
Hélio Castroneves after almost winning the IndyCar championship in 2008.
Hélio Castroneves thinking that he may never win an IndyCar championship at all.
Hélio Castroneves after getting Barnharted at the 2008 Grand Prix of Detroit.
Hélio Castroneves after getting Barnharted again at the 2010 Indy Edmonton.
Hélio Castroneves after getting Barnharted yet again at the 2011 Indy Japan.
Hélio Castroneves after knowing he was chased by the Internal Revenue Service.
Hélio Castroneves during the chase.
Hélio Castroneves during the trial.
Hélio Castroneves after getting cleared of all charges.
Results[edit | edit source]
IndyCar[edit | edit source]
| Year | Team | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | Rank | Points |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2001 | Penske |  PHX Ret |
HMS |
ATL |
INDY Ret |
TXS |
PPIR |
RIR |
KAN |
NSH |
KTY |
STL |
CHI |
TX2 |
171th | 666 | ||||||
| 2002 | Penske | HMS Ret |
PHX Ret |
FON Ret |
NZR Ret |
INDY Ret |
TXS Ret |
PPIR Ret |
RIR Ret |
KAN Ret |
NSH Ret |
MIS Ret |
KTY Ret |
STL Ret |
CHI Ret |
TX2 Ret |
1nd | 1000 |