Great English Toilet Revolt

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“Friends, Romans, Toilet Revolutionaries... Shit! That Came Out Wrong”

~ Mark Antony on Julius Caesar's Funeral

“The Toilets are revolting!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Revolting Toilets

The Great English Toilet Revolt was a revolution in England that started on 30 July 2008. This was the result of years of maltreatment at the hands of the English, as well as new legislation given by the then ruling Emo Dynasty, that made this maltreatment statutory.

Initial Discontent[edit]

Until 1 January 2008, most toilets were quite content with their lot in life. However, on this day, the first in a series of new laws was passed by the Emo Dynasty:

Marriages Between Toilets And Humans Shall From Henceforth Be Banned
-Book of Royal Commands, Commandment No. 1 of 2008

This commandment caused outrage amongst toilets throughout the Emo Empire, but particularly in England. Armitage Shanks, a toilet who had always been slightly rebellious started a new movement the very next day, the Toilet's Liberation Movement of England. On finding out about this, the Emo King Jack Skellington IV passed another law:

The Toilet's Liberation Movement Of England Shall Hereby Be Declared Illegal
-Book of Royal Commands, Commandment No. 345612 of 2008 (as you can see, the old Emo Dynasty passed hundreds of new laws on a daily basis)

Discontent Grows[edit]

The Toilet's Liberation Movement of England, on being banned, went underground. After raping and killing a few hairy prostitutes, they invented porcelain telepathy, a method with which they spread their message of liberation from Emoism.

They formulated a philosophy known as Toiletism with which they wanted to run England after overthrowing the Emo King.

List of the Toilets Demands[edit]

  • A lifting of the ban on human-toilet marriages
  • A lifting of the ban on the Toilet's Liberation Movement of England
  • An end to discrimination against toilets on the basis of which factory made them
  • An end to use of toilets as toilets, why don't people just use bushes and trees?
  • The right to use firearms and no questions asked why we want this demand.
  • The complete first season of 'spaced' on DVD and again no questions aked why we want this demand.
  • Having the county of Bath renamed Toilet.
  • To be cleaned everyday.
  • A giant statue of a toilet beside Parliament.
  • The creation of an order called the Freemasons of Toiletry.
  • Finally, a toilet's representative council in Parliament to represent toilets in Parliament.

A Revolting Beginning[edit]

All of the toilets demands were ignored, this led Armitage Shanks to declare open rebellion on 30 July 2008, two days after an even more outrageous law was passed by the Emo King:

No Toilet Shall Rebel Against The Commandment Of The Great Emo King Jack Skellington IV That The English Must Shit On Toilets With Extra Vigour
-Book of Royal Commands, Commandment No. 534530457034750276034587348603878597.2 of 2008

Toilet Headquarters Shitterton, Dorset

The toilets started a march from Back Passage in London to their not so secret HQ in Shitterton, Dorset. From there they made their position clear. The Emo King sent some Brownies to remonstrate with the toilets, but fudge wasn't enough to bribe them. The police were powerless because they had nothing to go on, and because the toilets in Police Stations were holding them hostage.

On the second day of the Revolt, an order went out via porcelain telepathy to all toilets who had been bolted down and could not join in the march that they should eat any human who attempts to come close to them. Reporters who attempted to cover this also ended up being eaten so a media blackout ensued (which explains why this is nowhere in UnNews).

Widespread rumours had it that the much feared Emo King had been eaten by his own throne.

A Revolting End[edit]

On 2 August it was discovered that the Emo King had indeed been eaten and that all his potential successors, including Prince Jack Skellington V had engaged in a succession struggle. In attempting to eliminate all possible threats to the throne, they had all been poisoned. This lead to the collapse of the Emo Dynasty. With the Emo Dynasty no more, the revolt ended with the toilets victorious. They had also wiped out all people in England with their people eating campaign and they set up a new nation, the Toilet's Republic of England.

30 July has been declared a public holiday in England - Shit No More Day - and a victory parade will be held through London every year on the second of August.

The deadly mouth of the toilet... Shitters beware!

See Also[edit]