Scorpion
- You probably won't understand this article unless you're familiar with Mortal Kombat. To barely pass for Mortal Kombat, click here.
“How do they have sex?? I think it is pretty painful...”
“GET OVER HERE!!!!!”
“Hate his guts!”
“Part of me fell in love with him when he uppercutted me off the United Nations roof”
“This bastard uppercutted a bloody homosexual unto the hood of my car!”
“Who the fuck is that guy?? We don't know him! He is not Scorpion!”
Scorpion is an influential 21st Century ninja, philosopher, archaeologist, murdererer, chef, sandwich, drummer, Grue Hunter and historian, it is widely believed that he can uppercut any being into a pool of acid.He is the son of 1000th U.S. president Daniel Bolton and first lady Your Mom. He is also known to have been a distant relative of Bill Nye. This theory, known as the Superb! Theory has been proven on many occasions. He also employs a hard-hitting roundhouse kick, it is very doubtful anyone has a more devastating roundhouse kick. Yes, anyone ever. Yes, even Chuck Norris. No, just kidding. Or am I?! Probably? Not!?
Motivation[edit | edit source]
His family was murdered in mercilessly cold blood, his honor was besmirched, and he himself assassinated and banished to the deepest bowels of the Netherrealm to burn and suffer, destined to drown in his endless blistering hatred for all eternity. He is obviously back on Earthrealm for one reason:
to thank us. And to lend a helping hand. Overall, he just wants to spread hugs and smiles to all... or so we've heard.
For such a tough guy, he sure has a warm smile. (Seriously- last guy who modified this shit, what are you 12? Come up with something funny instead of "gay" "cock" "homo" shit all the time.)
People love him because he's so warm and friendly. (that is, until he puts a spike through your throat or incinerates your unconscious body {Well, OK, he's still warm; but hardly friendly})
Warmth[edit | edit source]
Like I said, he's a warm, kindly and a freshly baked soul.
In a recent survey taken of -100 African American males between the ages of -12 and -40; Their opinion showed Scorpion's skull actually is twice as much on fire as Ghost Rider and at least -25% more on fire than Sweet Tooth's head.
Friendliness[edit | edit source]
The second quality about Scorpion that everybody loves is his overwhelming friendliness. He is so darn lovable (and handsome).
He loves reaching out, and touching people's hearts. He does this in two ways:
1. By punching them through the rib cage, ripping the heart out and crushing it in his iron-like claws.
OR
2. By harpooning them through the chest, pulling the victim towards himself and uppercutting them into a pit full of spikes. This allows Scorpion to come back later and pick the heart up at his leisure (Generally in a small chinese take-out carton).
During the latter procedure he often yells "Get over here, buddy!" or "Come here, pal!" with a big pokemon grin on his face. He is such a sport.
Not much is known about what he does with the hearts, though it is rumored he dumps them all into the furnaces which fuel the fires of hell. So all around not very friendly, we love you anyway Scorpion!
Theme Song[edit | edit source]
Wait, they parodied Spider-Man's song?
Scorpion, Scorpion.
Does whatever a Scorpion does.
Nails his Spear
Yells "C'mere"
And they all get over here
Hey there!
There goes the Scorpion!
Is he strong?
No, he ain't.
Just the sight of blood makes him faint.
But he sure hides it well
Down in the pits of hell.
Hey there!
There goes the Scorpion!
Many years ago, at the end of the day.
Quan Chi set him up to be killed by Lin Kuei.
Scorpion, Scorpion.
Undead spectre Scorpion.
Wealth and fame? He's ignored.
Vengeance is his reward.
To him, life is a great big roasty,
Wherever there's a toasty,
You'll find the Scorpion!
Community Service[edit | edit source]
"Scordeezey" as he is widely known by those he visits regularly, is often seen giving money and hugs to orphans and longer hugs to hot female co-volunteers. But some old guy approached him and said, "Gee fella, can I get a hug?". He was found in the gutter that night, with injuries typically associated with an uppercut.
The Shirai Ryu and 1995 Cop-A-Feel Scandal[edit | edit source]
Sometime in the 1990s Scorpion got kicked out of the governing board for the Make-a-Wish Foundation for uppercutting the majority of the other members off a pier. This lead Scorpion to travel back in time, inventing the round-house kick, obviously leading up to him coming back to the present and setting up a mysterious ninja-themed charity called "Shirai Ryu". All ninjas of the Shirai Ryu wear yellow, this is because their outfits taste and smell like pee pee. Well... they used to wear yellow, but the "Deadly Alliance" of Shang Tsung and Raptor Jesus killed all of them, including Scorpion. This caused Scorpion to become the hell-spawned spectre he is today, as well as a multi-platinum rapper; whose work focuses on the struggles of the ninja youth growing up in tha inner cities of the Netherrealm. He recently founded his own recording label, Shirai Ryu Records and often records collaborations with his good friend Tupac Shakur.
His record label did hit bankruptcy after the 1995 scandal State of California v. Scorpion had declared him guilty of domestic violence against women. While his attorney and him pleaded to simply "beatin a hoe azz" due to the reasoning "she ain' got ma muney", incriminating evidence had shown that Scorpion did, in fact render the woman vaginaless due to the trajectory of his crotch grab-punch combo. Since he has never had sex in his afterlife, he saw the brief scuffle with Jaydesha (actually FBI double agent who was hired to take a hit to the vag in order to provide incriminating evidence that Scorpion was a danger to society and to destroy his earthly success as a rapper and businessman and prove that the American dream is for white people only, and this excludes demon spawn, muahahaha; see State of California Business Law v.94 1995 Article 40 pp 11123084-1123130, et. al.) as a chance to touch his first vag, and in his curious spirit, went for a cop-a-feel that slowly turned to a devastating uppercut due to his inability to fight his urges to uppercut things.
The courts decided on May 5, 1995, that despite the fact that the victim was, as Scorpion claimed, 75% naked and askin' fo it, his actions were atrocious and dangerous to society. He was criminally committed to an institution to help him control his anger.
Currently Der Scorpmeister is being held at a mental facility in Pomona, California where he is undergoing Behavioral Exposure Treatment to lessen his urges to uppercut people.
Serve as President[edit | edit source]
Scorpion won the presidential election 9 days after the death of President John F. Kennedy. SubZero who voted for Lyndon Johnson was executed for not voting for Scorpion. Scorpion then broadcast Sub-zero's execution on youtube. The same happened to former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein.During his years as the president he didn't do much,except allowing men to marry camels and goats.
Filmography[edit | edit source]
| Year | Title | Role | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1994-2004 | Cooking with Scorpion | "Chef" Scorpion | Premiered on the Food network, re-runs now on Nick@Nite |
| 2005 | Badass: The Story of the Worlds Most Awesomest Peoples. | Scorpion | Box Office Smash |
| 2007 | Everybody loves Scorpion | Scorpion | post-production; release TBA |
| 1999-Present | Celebrity Uppercut | Scorpion | Running television series |
| 2008 | Behind the Scenes: Fisher Price | Himself | Documentary, Scorpion discusses theories about Fisher Price while hiking the Andes and the Himalayas. |
| 1999 | "You Should GET OVER HERE!" Travel Guides | Scorpion | Running television series advertising tourist attractions in Hell. |
| 2008 | Van Buren | Presidential Assasin | In this epic story Scorpion plays a ninja murderer. |