Gargoyles
“Sure, I tried Gargoyles when I was in college. So what? You should have seen some of the shit that went on at Skull and Bones meetings”
“Spread the germs!”
“I wish I were Xanatos. I suck compared to that guy. Um, this conversation isn't being recorded, right?”
“Why am I such a bitch? You try not getting laid in a thousand years! Hell, I'm practically ready to fuck a human.”
“Why yes, money, I would love to have sex with you.”
“Where can I find a loincloth?”
“ e re Lamogia pou yparhoun.”
Gargoyles was an animated Disney cartoon that ran in the mid-1990s, and followed the adventures of six noble beings known as gargoyles, who are stone statues by day, becoming flesh and blood when the sun goes down. The gargoyles lived peacefully on one of the moons of Jupiter, until they were sent to Scotland after a failed rebellion against their masters. After living in a castle in the Tenth Century for a time, they were exiled to New York City for tax purposes, where they now awaken every night to defend the American ideals of truth, justice, and pudding.
Show's History[edit | edit source]
Gargoyles began life as an unpublished play by William Shakespeare. The plot centered around characters from his earlier works (most notably the titular character of "Macbeth" and also Oberon, Puck, and Titania from "A Midsummer Night's Dream") teaming up to stop Julius Caesar from eradicating the Jedi. The supporting cast was larger than Shakespeare's earlier works and included several mythological figures, such as Anansi, Odin, and many characters from Greco-Roman myths. The play was intended to be a wedding gift for the Princess of Tuscany, who was betrothed to the king of the Mole People. Sadly, the play was never finished, and was sealed in a tomb in Egypt for 4,000 years.
In the early 1980s, it was discovered by an adventuring archeologist named Greg Weisman, who happens to be a great admirer of Shakespeare and saw potential in the play. However, a few small changes were made. Most of the story arc was reworked, Julius Caesar was written out completely and replaced by King Arthur, and Mr. Weisman also incorporated a bad memory he'd had as a child, involving a statue exhibit at a museum. After being banned from the Archeologist's Guild in 1985, Mr. Weisman continued to rework the play, which in the early 1990s had taken the form of an animated television show. He then attempted to pitch the show unsuccessfully for several years before fate intervened.
In 1993, Mr. Weisman pitched the show to Disney, not realizing that a few months prior, most of the cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" had been turned into cartoon characters through a tragic accident involving a potato peeler and necromancy. As it turned out, this accident resulted in Gargoyles getting the green light, with most of the physically altered "Next Generation" cast taking regular roles on the show. The series ran for 65 episodes from late 1994 to early 1996, and The Goliath Chronicles was added into the title for the third season[1] (but unofficially titled "Some Guy Wiping His Ass With Celluloid"), which ran from September 1996 to early 1997.
There have been persistent rumors that Gargoyles episodes have been released on DVD. This is untrue- Bob Iger has said that Gargoyles will not be released on DVD "until Space Mountain rises above the clouds." Likewise, there is no truth to the rumor that Gargoyles is now being continued in comicbook form with brand new stories. A search of amazon.com will not turn up any DVD's or comicbooks, and fans at www.s8.org/gargoyles will confirm that these rumors are categorically false.
Story Synopsis[edit | edit source]
The year is 999, which is 666 but turned upside down (this has no further meaning but for some lolz by kids who listen to metal, like, METALLICA).
The Gargoyles are living in peace on top of a dick, without the people below realising that they are actually living creatures and not just stone statues. The absence of the statues at night is explained to the inhabitants of the dick due to a magic illusion, caused by the castles Magus, Davidom Copperfieldus.
One day, some douchebags decide to slam the stone statues for da l0lzors, so to anger the Magus, but after they smashed them, the Magus and princess go "OH NO, you have killed dem friendz of ourz!" and a magic battle ensues (in the making of, it is revealed that scenes from a Chuck Norris film were used to have some ultimate action and not waste bucks on animation. The same technique was used when Xanatos kicked some butt later in the series).
All Gargoyles are killed, except for Goliath and the old guy (they were out in the woods, somking some fresh weed to fo with the flow better), 3 midgets and a gargoyle-dog-shit (whose daddy told thems to get into his bed), and the murderous redhead Demona, who was off killing something gay (4 sure - this was never porrayed in the actual show, so it wouldn't make kids go Emo).
((TO BE CONTINUED))
Main Characters[edit | edit source]
Goliath: Noble leader of the gargoyles in Manhattan. However, he has one big vice: he loves kicking small boys armed with slingshots. Eventually falls in love with Elisa.
Demona: Goliath’s former mate turned enemy of the clan. Has survived these past thousand years due to a freak accident that occurred in the Eleventh Century, when she was drummer in a Rush cover band that also featured Macbeth on lead guitar, and Jesus on bass. Has an intense hatred of all humanity, and has been plotting to destroy them for centuries. However, she does like pudding. Because pudding rules. According to Greg Weisman's Master Plan, Demona will be redeemed in 2008 through the efforts of Elisa and Angela.
Elisa Maza: Loose-cannon cop who has been suicidal ever since her toaster oven died. Befriends the gargoyles, and eventually inspires Demona to write a self-help book. Also develops a love interest for Goliath, one which is mutual with the gargoyle, but which both deny for a time. It finally comes out into the open when they both realize how much they both like pudding.
Brooklyn The red, beaked gargoyle. He's the gun nut of the group, and has been collecting them ever since he saw “Army of Darkness.” Will someday become president of the NRA.
Lexington: The small, olive-green gargoyle. Is actually from the future, sent back in time to protect the youth of Manhattan so that they could grow up to fight the machines in 2036. This explains Brooklyn’s love of sunglasses and motorcycles.
Broadway: The big, blue-green gargoyle. An indispensable member of the team, as he’s the only one who can get past Xanatos’s firewalls to download internet porn. He also really, really hates kids.
Hudson: The former leader of the gargoyles. Has been promoting a campaign for no violence on television ever since he saw his first celebrity hockey match. Is also promoting an anti-literacy campaign, since it was a spell in a book that cursed his clan. He may or may not also want to blow up the sun.
Bronx: The intellectual of the group. Enjoys the collected works of Bach, the marching tunes of John Philip Sousa, and drinking cognac by the fire while discussing the stock market.
Angela: The offspring of Goliath and Demona, conceived in Scotland, but hatched on the mystical island of Avalon (which might have also been Three-Mile Island). Goliath, Elisa, and Bronx found her there, and she joined them on an infamous World Tour. Sadly, the tour was managed by the late Frank Zappa, and at the eccentric rock legend’s request, the group had to travel by leaky boat. Currently resides with the clan in Manhattan, where she collects refrigerator magnets. Frank Zappa is still a zombie.
David Xanatos: Larry Flint’s more successful, charismatic twin brother, separated from Larry at birth. He put the gargoyles’ castle on top of his skyscraper, thinking it would somehow be a tax write-off, and it woke up the gargoyles instead. Tried unsuccessfully to turn them into an animatronic ride for his theme park, Davey World. This spurred a feud between the gargoyles and Xanatos, which was finally smoothed over when the gargoyles helped him find his pants. He really likes those pants. Is currently residing in the castle with his wife, Fox, and son, Alexander. Is also harboring the gargoyles, until they can get their boating licenses renewed. Has a red Goliath-shaped suit of powered armor based on designs used by Lex Luthor and Tony Stark.
Xanatos is a genius. Seriously. This man is eternally fifteen steps ahead of everyone in the series. He is the antithesis of a Power Rangers villain. Lots of different villain tactics have been named after him, such as Xanatos Roulette, Xanatos Speed Chess, and Xanatos Omniscient. Also is one cool cat. You're gonna have to thwart him about two dozen times before you can really piss him off.
The Pack: A Christian folk group that turned to crime after hip-hop started becoming more popular. The first line-up consisted of Fox, Wolf, Dingo, Jackal, Hyena, and Tito. After Fox left due to creative differences, the Pack got a new leader, a robot named Coyote. The group has been led by a version of Coyote ever since, although lately the robot seems obsessed with trying to eliminate a certain road-runner, as opposed to stopping the gargoyles. Only time will tell how much longer the rest of the Pack will tolerate this foolish mission.
Thailog: Goliath's born-again Christian clone. Was exiled from the clan for being too nice. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, you can usually find him reading to sick children at the hospital. Is also assistant director of the Boys and Girls club on 25th Street, as well as the Scout-Master for the Local Troop 412. Also enjoys pulling taffy, and working on his homemade figurines of birds. His favorite drink is Fresca.
Coldstone: Goliath's 2 rookery brothers (One is a jerk, the other is not.) and rookery sister (who has 4 wings. It is rumored that she was hatched near the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.) who died long ago after being mooned by the humans. Now, their souls are all inhabiting a cybernetic body, and, thus, Coldstone has 3 personalities. Xanatos' doctors have referred as to "Techno schizophrenia'. On nice days, when the 'good personalities' are in control, they go feeding ducks in the park. On bad days, under the direction of Mr. Bad To The Bone, they beat up mimes. They currently have a Hot Pocket fetish, and the female is in love with Robocop.
Macbeth: Former king of Scotland, and former bandmate of Demona. Was granted immortality with Demona when the two were involved in the same accident during their days playing in "Temples of Syrinx," a Rush cover band that featured Demona on the drums, Macbeth on guitar, and Jesus on bass. Became King of Scotland a short time later when Santa Claus burst into flame and fell off his roof. Was deposed seventeen years later, after he inked a record deal behind Demona's back. In the sixteenth century, he commissioned Christopher Marlowe to write his autobiography, which was entitled "Faust." Has since been searching relentlessly for Demona, because she still has his copy of "Blade Runner." Is currently running hooch for King Arthur.
The Hunters: A rival cover band from the Eleventh Century. Their original lead singer became obsessed with killing Demona after Demona ate his schnitzel (despite the fact that he forgot to put his name on it). The vendetta passed to the new lead singer, Duncan, even though his only motive was really that he wanted to lure Jesus away from "Temples of Syrinx" and into his own group. But things went sour, and his attempt cost him his life. Since then, the vendetta against Demona and her kind has been taken up many times over the centuries by anyone who has nothing better to do. Their last incarnation in 1996 was as a jazz trio. They're currently pursuing solo careers, with no immediate plans to reunite.
Jon Canmore/John Castaway: The bassist in the most recent incarnation of the Hunters, Jon wanted to go solo, but didn't have enough talent. Even after the band broke up, he wound up blaming the gargoyles for the fact that his solo career never took off. Is currently leading the Quarrymen, a Beatles cover band, under the name John Castaway. Spends his nights making caricatures out of Rice-a-Roni and trying to kill the gargoyles.
The Quarrymen: People that try to kill the Gargoyles.
The Archmage: An evil bastard who wanted to take over Avalon for its oil reserves. For some reason, this entailed killing its current inhabitants. His decendants include Hitler, Saddam Hussein, and the entire Bush family
Nokkar: An alien sentinel living on Easter Island. The people of the island based their famous heads on his. After they died out, he became Emo and started eating sulfur-flavored ice cream. Befriended a pair of archeologists named Lara Croft and Indiana Jones. Fathered E.T. by organizing a gangbang between himself, Ronald McDonald, Paris Hilton, and Dolemite, as well as many others.
Owen Burnett: Xanatos' butler. A stiff and humorless piece of badass. Thought by many to be a reprogrammed Terminator
Anton Sevarius: A mad genetic scientist. Commissioned by Xanatos to create mutates, clones, and Frankenfood. Currently under investigation by the Senate committee of Pseudoscience.
The Magus: Legolas' albino cousin. A servant of Princess Katherine. Hakon tried to rape him, thinking he was a woman. He used a curse turned the gargoyles into stone out of rage and grief about being the only effiminate male survivor of the sack of Castle Wyvern. He took Princess Katherine, Tom, and the Clan's eggs to Avalon. Later killed by the Archmage's backup singers and buried in the tomb of King Arthur.
Matt Bluestone: Twin brother to Agent Mulder and Elisa's partner at the 23rd Precinct. Wants to bring down a secret society called the Illuminati because one of its more depraved members raped his dog and force fed it to Hannibal Lecter.
Princess Katherine: Niece of King Kenneth III of Scotland and a Disney Princess reject. Treated the gargoyles of Wyvern Clan with extreme scorn because one of them ate her fur coat thinking it was a wolf pup. Betrayed by Demona and the Captain of the Guards and abducted by Hakon and his Vikings. The Vikings forced her to listen to Yanni playing the bagpipes until she escaped and was rescued by Goliath. Later left Castle Wyvern with Magus, Mary, Tom, and the clan's eggs, only to witness her uncle being murdered by The Burger King. Fled to the island of Avalon with the help of the Dairy Queen. She became Tom's girlfriend and raised the gargoyle hatchlings with the help of the Magus and Tom. Currently a crazy cat lady
Oberon: King of the Fair Folk and owner of Avalon. Banished the other Fair Folk from Avalon because they were arrogant and cruel and refused to stop partying on his lawn or raiding his fridge. When he returned to Avalon, he tried to destroy the Avalon Clan, but was beaten and made them his Honor Guard. Later tried to kidnap David Xanatos and Fox's son Alexander, but later allowed him to stay with his parents provided Puck act as his magic teacher. Thought to have bipolar disorder. A former member of the 17th century Blue Man Group.
Talon: Elisa Maza's brother Derek. Mutated into a freakish humanoid cat-bat hybrid by Anton Sevarius because David Xanatos wanted to fire him without hurting his feelings. Initially hated the fact that he was an awesome mutant with super strength, flight, and the power to shoot lightning, leading many to think that he has OCD. At first blamed Goliath for what happened to him, but later forgave him. Currently lives in an underground laboratory and is in a romantic relationship with a Catgirl
King Arthur: King of England who was buried on Avalon after eating bad pudding. He wasn't really dead, and Elisa Maza revived him so that he could fight the Archmage. Got into a duel with MacBeth and later befriended him. Another of his allies is an English greaser griffin who is somehow also a gargoyle. Thinks that Prince Charles is a disgrace to the crown, and tried to extort the throne from Queen Elizabeth II by holding her corgis hostage