Freddy Mercury Aggregate
The Freddy Mercury Aggregate (FMA, sometimes also Freddy-Mercury-Experiment, FME; French: L'Aggregate Freddy Mercurie; German: Freddy-Mercury-Aggregat; Simplified Cantonese: 你o係果度好喇,千祈咪搞; Ungaro-Finnish Esperanto-Japanese: Gabbalakkamekkaratoforopulotono Rotto Merikkuri-Fred, GRMF) is one of the classic thought-experiments of Kitten-Huffing-physics. Today, it is commonly attributed to Albert Einstein during his lecture at the University of China in McDonald's, however, there are notable martian researchers who prefer to credit John Travolta's preceding work on Electricity and Magnetism. Completely unrelated work was contributed by Bill Gates to an early prototype of Windows 95.
The original intent behind the FMA was to rebut the neccessity of reading complicated and self-referential stuff written by self-acclaimed scientists with severe mental problems using an incredible amount of vaguenesses, unnecessary complications and (possibly cyclic) internal and external references to obfuscate the complete absence of any usable (or - even remotely - correct) content. Thus, this very text is an application of the principle of the proof method.
The Original Experiment
The procedure described in the experiment has been adopted for a variety of other applications (see also below, further below and even further below); however, the original setup involves two IKEA-bookshelfs and an LP by "Bob Marley and the Whalers". The LP is molten using an polarized Laser, the resulting blob is then wrapped around one of the bookshelfs forming a thin, black layer of Vinyl. From this point on, the bookshelf that is covered by Vinyl is referred to as "wrapped" while the other one is said to be "clear".
In the next phase, the "wrapped" bookshelf is mailed to Iraq, the "clear" one to Al Gore thus (pretty obviously) forming a diophantoarrythmic, nonrelativistic Gore-Iraq-duality of magnitude 1 or less with a proper Riemannian integral of cardinality 2 or more within its own manifold of unapplied Eigenspace-Hamburgers (but see also below).
Next, an (of course, completely imaginary) observer waits for 5000 years in an Antarctic catacomb at least 3 miles below sealevel. It is very important, that the observer has no way of actually observing any of the shelves!
If at any point of time (but see below) the bookshelves are forming a mechanism that plays "Kinky Reggae", the experiment is said to be "successful". Special observations then can be derived from the orchestration of the play, for example,involvment of an Ukulele is evidence for a high amount of Bozons, while an Ocarina would suggest a noteworthy magnetic field, etc..
Alternatively, if a system is formed that plays the Muppet Show anthem backwards, the experiment is said to "have surprising results".
Variations and Extensions
- In 1824, P.D. Tom Cruise proposed a more strict success condition for the experiment where the playback has to take place exactly after 5000 years.
Less Interesting Facts
- In 7003, the FMA has been assigned an ISO-standard: ISO/IEC-109991000-01999X.1001-2AA-RRRGRMF (superceeding the previous ANSI-standard ANSI/X/01-CDAB-10/Y/ISNA-!2!). It also deprecates FMA-183911118399102884991001003888577728100011999.X, all versions of The DaVinci Codec and Rot13. It has been certified 100% pure Bullshit by the National Academy of Donkeys using Typewriters.
- In a recent publication, Chinese scientists claimed that the experiment described in the FMA has been engineered by scientists during the construction of China's first McDonald's around 7.5 Billion years before creation of the Universe, only that it
- was more powerful and
- actually worked.
- In 1825, using the FMA, German natural philosopher Admiral von Porqenburck proved Dirlichet's Flying-Pig Principle.
- FMAs are at the same time the only part in the production of Kool Aid that is completely expendable, the only part in the theory of Kitten Huffing that is extensively complete and the single Einsteinian thought-experiment that is not affordably completable. Also, they have been used for a valid explanation of all irregularities seen in the WorldCom account balances by Hungarian nerds.
- In 1826, Greek marketing specialists simultaneously named a computer, a flatscreen Monitor, a cellphone, a dictaphone, a cigar cutter and a completely animatronic Swedish disco-pop band "FMA" (Fjördspøken Möbelmangkorvkanelbullen Animatröns). The lawsuit lasted until February 1972 and was setteled by an out-of-court agreement involving renaming of the group to 10011100001111 and a lifelong supplies of free cigars as well as use of Greek letters in formulas. Bill Gates' patenting of Mathematics has been regarded a reaction to this by peasants and monkeys accustomed to the industry.
- In honor of the FMA, there is a Linux-command "fma" which does wait for 5000 years for the computer to play either a song by Bob Marley (when called with the --bob-marley commandline option) or the Muppet Show anthem (when called with --muppet-show-anthem or backwards when called with mehtna-wohs-teppum--). In addition to the original, it can be configured using the --sting, --peter-gabriel, --abba and - in recent versions - --p-diddy. If called with the --help option, it sits there and waits for help.