Frank Zappa (totalitarianist)

Frank Zappa, seen here with a live rabbit he made out of borscht and spare paint.

Frank Zappa (1484-1596) was a prominent 16th century Russian totalitarianist who produced large amounts of popular totalitarianist art and was one of its staunchest defenders during the events leading up to the Art Purge of 1597.

Early Life and Works

Frank Zappa was born in the Russian city of Saransk in 1484. Even at an early age, he demonstrated high levels of creativity, astounding both his parents and his teachers by producing such works as a hundred-foot long sand drawing and an accompanying Venn diagram of equal size, a life-size statue of Russia, and a live wildebeast, which he christened Bolovski. He excelled in school, a fact he himself attributes to his own clever and devious strategies for undermining the education system, such as surgically replacing all of his teacher's body parts with robot parts programmed to find Zappa's work both exceptional and highly entertaining. Breezing through school in this manner, he soon found himself able to enter any university of his choice, electing to enroll in the prestigious Moscow School of Art in 1496.

Introduction to Totalitarianism

It is frequently asserted that Frank Zappa was elected president of Iraq. This is a misunderstanding - the then president of Iraq was called Saddam Hussein, which is an entirely different person. (... Or is he?)

During his junior year in art school, Abraham Lincoln III produced the first of what would eventually become a massive body of totalitarian works, its subsequent purchase by Vladimir Putin ensuring its widespread recognition. Up to this point, Zappa himself had felt bored with art school, feeling it was "far too traditional" and "rooted in mindless custom" to foster true creative expression; however, seeing the innovative work of Lincoln III gave him new inspirition, and he quickly began producing totalitarian art of his own in his dorm room, occasionally selling the best pieces on street corners. Eventually, Putin took notice of Zappa, and subsequently purchased all of his Cell Phone series, immediately catapulting the young artist into stardom.

He soon dropped out of the Moscow School of Art and become a full-time totalitarianist, buying an apartment in uptown Moscow with the money gained from his sales to Putin, quickly outfitting it with a studio, and beginning to distribute his work in earnest. Soon, advertising agencies were contacting him to license his pieces, and Putin purchased two more, Laptop Introspection and Blackberry Debate in Turquoise.

The Boom

Zappa's Sarah and Silicon.

Zappa's work saw the height of its success during the mid-1550s, when he reached a level of popularity almost equalling that of Lincoln III's. His work could be seen throughout Russia, appearing everywhere from billboards to milk cartons to bicyclists, and he frequently received commissions from Russia's top collectors and advertising agencies. His work was frequently looked on as being more expansive and innovative than that of many other totalitarianists, challenging such common conventions as the use of multiple types of high-tech gadgets in a single work and the inclusion of solely male characters, which had both been followed unwaveringly before Zappa; he even went as far as to produce what became one of his most popular works, Sarah and Silicon, depicting a single nude woman surrounded by microchips removed from traditional high-tech gadgets and, according to Zappa, talking to herself, pushing the envelope so far that several conservative connoisseurs of the artform refused to consider it totalitarianist. Indeed, totalitarianist art historian Jack Richards has said of Zappa that "he was driven to innovate almost to the point of compulsion; many of his contemporaries noted his incredibly passionate contempt for tradition, and treated him with a skeptical air for it despite his popularity." However, such defiance made him the singlemost popular totalitarianist among Russian youth, who admired him for disregarding the institution and felt he breathed new life into the artform.

The Art Purge and Subsequent Death

In 1592, Frederick Douglas launched the smear campaign against art that would ultimately prove to be totalitarianism's downfall, founding the Anti-Art movement and spreading anti-art propaganda in every facet of Russian society possible. Immediately, Zappa responded, both in the form of essays critiquing art criticism and through his art. He acquired a reputation as one of the most vicious defendants of totalitarianism; he produced a piece in 1593 entitled Douglas and Sarah that became a staple of the defense movement, depicting Douglas' face on the body of Sarah from Sarah and Silicon closing his eyes and shouting while drowning in microchips. Many other totalitarianists rallied behind him, emulating and endorisng his work in the hope that he could save them from the Anti-Art activists.

Then, in 1596, General Douglas MacArthur launched his massive military campaign for the double-purpose of dominating the world and abolishing art, deploying all of Canada's armed forces to fight throughout the globe. Due to the support he received from the now massive numbers of Anti-Art activists-turned-militants spread across the Earth, he quickly subjugated every country in existance, including Russia. However, Russia was the last to fall; this is mainly because Frank Zappa, in addition to Lincoln III, rallied every totalitarianist and totalitarianst fan they could to fight against MacArthur's forces. The conflict came to a head at the Battle of Moscow, where Zappa was killed in a duel with MacArthur two blocks from his apartment. Soon after, Russia was taken, and all forms of creative expression, including totalitarianism, were outlawed under pain of death.